The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

In The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

This is from Melanie.

Dear Dr. Kenner, while I know it's natural for a two and a half-year-old to be jealous of a new baby sister, I am becoming very concerned at Sarah's behavior. Sarah's the two and a half-year-old. We have been making sure that Sarah gets plenty of attention. We take her to the park and out for ice cream, and we spend a lot of quality time with her. But it doesn't seem to be helping. When the baby is asleep, we have to literally lock the door from the outside to keep Sarah from sneaking in the nursery and trying to pick the baby up.

This morning, I was getting Sarah dressed, and had to leave the room for one minute, and I heard the baby, who is now six weeks old, scream. I rushed to the baby to see a bite mark on the top of her head. Any suggestions?
Melanie.

Melanie, I have a wonderful suggestion for you, and that's that number one, you do not want to cast little Sarah in the role of a ?bad kid.? The new baby's only been there for six weeks, and if you start looking at Sarah as, ?Oh, she's a troublemaker. She's jealous of her little sister, and I'm going to have problems. I can picture them at the age of seven and nine and a half, or when they're older, in their teens, and they're just going to be fighting??you don't want to cast your child in a negative role, because those roles can stick.

Instead, you want to help her manage her feelings. And there is a wonderful book, Siblings Without Rivalry, that you can get on my website, DrKenner.com. It's by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. That is really, really good, especially with siblings.

So here's an example: instead of dismissing Sarah's feelings?Sarah is your little one, your two and a half-year-old?instead of if she were moping or upset because you're sitting with the baby in your lap, if she says something or indicates, ?You're always with the baby,? and you look and you say, ?No, I'm not. Didn't I just read to you? Didn't we just go to the park? Didn't we just do something fun???you're dismissing her feelings.

Instead, you want to put it into words. You want to give her a hug and say, ?You don't like my spending so much time with the new baby, do you?? At least she'll feel visible.

Then you can help guide her actions. If she's biting the baby, instead of saying, ?What are you trying to do? You're biting her head! Bad girl, bad girl!??and you just start yelling at her. You know, she's two and a half years old. She needs to be civilized in a civilized manner. You don't want to hit her, but you do want to stop the biting immediately. So you can say, ?No hurting your sister. No biting. You can tell me your feelings, or show me your feelings with the doll?not with your sister.?

If she says, ?Send the baby back,? you don't want to look at her and say (this is from this book), ?You don't mean that. You know you love your sister.? Instead, say to her, ?You don't want her here sometimes. Sometimes you wish she'd go away.?

There's even another cute little children's book that I had when my older one had a sibling?my daughter was the oldest. When the new baby comes, I'm Moving Out. It's a little picture book for kids that's cute, that can help them express their feelings and manage them better.

Your goal is to help her acknowledge her feelings and try to find a bridge so that she can naturally enjoy the new baby, and that means inviting her in.

Now, why is it so hard to deal with a new baby?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, ?I live in the shadow of my husband's life,? or ?I feel invisible to my girlfriend.? These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes.

Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

Now why is it so hard to deal with a new baby? Well, she basically was dethroned. She was on the throne. And now with a new baby, the little one is on the throne.

So in this book, there's a wonderful example, and I will give it to you. Now imagine that your spouse puts an arm around you and says, ?Honey, I love you so much and you are so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife just like you.?

Your gut response?

When the new wife finally arrives, you see that she's young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. ?Isn't she adorable? Hello sweetheart, you are so precious.? Then they turn to you and ask, ?How do you like the new wife??

Your reaction?

The new wife needs clothing. Your husband goes into your closet and takes some of your sweaters and pants and gives them to her. When you protest, he points out that since you put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you, and they'll fit her perfectly.

Your gut reaction?

The new wife is maturing rapidly. Every day she seems smarter and more competent. One afternoon, as you're struggling to figure out the directions on the new computer your husband bought you, she bursts into the room and says, ?Oh, can I use it? I know how!?

Your gut response?

When you tell her she can't use it, she runs crying to your husband. Moments later she returns with him. Her face is tear-stained, and he has his arm around her. He says to you, ?What would be the harm in letting her have a turn? Why can't you share??

From this example, you can see it's not easy to have a new sibling move into the house for the sibling that was there. So you want to learn the skills from this book that will help you. The book is Siblings Without Rivalry.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

The former slim prom queen who is now obese shocks us because it reflects her lack of pride in her appearance. Serious psychological issues may underlie such a lack of self-care. For example, a sexually abused woman may label herself as damaged goods and then keep on the extra pounds to avoid looking sexually attractive.

Sometimes individuals are just too depressed or busy to make an effort to look better. It's too much work to wear clean clothes or put on makeup. Or ignoring one's looks may follow a failed romance. After being hurt, some just give up.

Some feel they would be caving into cultural pressure if they improve their looks. Others feel too meek and humble to make the most of their looks, fearing they'll be seen as vain. They fail to understand that looking nice is not the same as being obsessed with looks.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.