The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Diana, you're having some difficulty with your grandson.

Yes, yeah. I babysit him during the summer. He's nine years old. He has a ten-year-old sister. I babysit both of them, okay? And he has ADHD.

Okay.

He takes medication during the school year, but in the summer, we try to not give him the medication because he's? you know, we like him to gain a little weight. Many of them are skinny as a rail.

Yeah.

Part of it is probably my own stress level.

Meaning what?

Meaning that when he just exhibits that impulsive behavior? and he's not a mean child or anything like that? it's just mostly his inability to control his behavior at all. I mean, like today was just a horrible day. We went to the pool and he bit the end off the noodle.

And he did? he bit? oh, the end. You mean those Styrofoam noodles?

Styrofoam noodles, yeah. Because our pool broke, so we went over to my sister's. Of course, I was tense because I was over there, and yeah, you know, it was just a whole issue. And then we came back home, and they were coloring, drawing and coloring and painting. And so, while I was in the living room, he decided to take the water from the paintbrushes and, I guess, make Kool-Aid or something, and, you know, just dumped it all over the floor, and it was just not a good day.

And, you know, so I'm telling my daughter, ?You need to do something. He needs to learn some behavioral??

Oh, he definitely needs? role. Yeah, he definitely does. And he needs to be taught it in a way that he can hear. Because too many times when you have a child like that, they burn us out. You know, we reach our limit, and we just? by the time we try to speak up, we?re just feeling so frustrated that if you didn?t speak English but were watching a video of a parent with a child who has ADHD, you would know that that parent is very frustrated.

Right.

So I want to back up, though. I do want to get to his behavior, but the first question I have is: how did you end up babysitting?

Because she has two children. I work? I'm a school nurse.

Okay.

So I work during the school year, and I don't work during the summer months. And where we are, you know, the cost of daycare for two children is just crazy, so I kind of took on that responsibility. I'm 62 now, and I've been babysitting them for the last, I guess, four years? three or four years? every summer. Every summer.

And of course, you know, this is another whole issue: my husband is over it, because he just retired from his second job this year, and he's not working. So it's a problem for him, and it's just a very stressful situation. And we've already kind of said to the daughter, "We're not going to do this. This is the last year."

But in the meantime, I want to be able to be better with him. You know, I understand the problem. Certainly, as a school nurse, I deal with it every day. But when it's your own family and it's with you all day long, it's a whole different ball game. And I just? I don't know if I need better coping skills, or we need to get him? I feel like he needs to be in behavior therapy and learn how to better control his own behavior.

And I guess I just need some guidance so maybe I can pass it on to my daughter.

Okay, so I want to put this in context. The context is that you're frustrated, meaning you're torn? you're really, it sounds like, between a rock and a hard place because your husband wants time with you. He?s retired. He wants his peace. And the kids are there, and one of the children? not the ten-year-old, but the nine-year-old? is hyperactive.

And partly? let me go back into some of the two examples that you gave me to see if we can generate what you might do differently. When he bit the end off the noodle? and I know you're very skilled; you said you're a school nurse, so I am aware of that? when he bit the end off the noodle in the swimming pool, what happened then?

I said, ?Zachary, did you just bite the end off that noodle?? And he said he did it by accident. I said, ?No, Zachary, you don't open your mouth, stick something in it, clamp your teeth down by accident. We both know that was not an accident. So you have to get out of the pool.?

Yeah.

?Your punishment is to get out of the pool.? Yeah. And that's what I did.

Okay. What period of time?

I mean, I didn?t ban him completely for the rest of the hour that we were there, but he was in time-out.

Okay, so it's like the natural consequences: if you misuse the equipment, then you need to get out of the pool. You don't have the right to go back in there. So that sounds proper, what you did. And how did he react?

He went and sat down.

Oh, he did!

Oh, yeah. And he was fine for about two minutes. ?Mimi, can I get back in the pool? I pinky-promise I won't do anything again.? ?Yes, you? yeah, you pinky-promise me stuff all the time, and then you don't do it. So no, we're not pinky-promising on this either. You have to sit there until I tell you to get up.?

Okay, so that's what we did. He sat there for probably another five minutes, and then I let him get back in the pool, with the caveat that, you know, if you do something again, the same punishment is going to ensue.

Okay, right there I hear something that could be tweaked a little bit.

Okay, hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it?s good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last. Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That?s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

?If you do something again, the same punishment is going to ensue.

Okay, right there I hear something that could be tweaked a little bit. You always want the consequence tied to what he did. For example, if you took TV away that evening when he bit the noodle in the pool, then the two things are totally disconnected. But taking him out of the pool is directly connected. That's very good. You know, he doesn't have a right to go back in the pool.

And then it's? when you say, ?If you do that again, the same thing will happen,? what happens is, over time, if he keeps hearing ?If you do that again, something bad will happen,? he starts to experience himself as what? The good kid, or the troublemaker?

I see.

So what you want? yeah, what you want to do? it's very subtle, and it's very understandable because parents are so stressed out with any active kid, whether or not they are hyperactive. But there is a wonderful, wonderful book? and you may already know about it, you may have read it? How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

How to Talk So Kids Will? I'm writing this.

Okay, and it's on my website, DrKenner.com.

Oh, okay.

And chapter six in this book is how to help children break out of a bad role, you know, a negative role. And so what you actually do is say, ?Zachary, we will have such smiles when you go in the pool and you enjoy it. I can't wait to have one of those smiles.? So instead of focusing on the negative behavior? he may still do it again; he may bite another noodle? but instead of making a big deal about the negative behavior, it's like, ?And I have some confidence in you.? You know, you want to help him build more self-efficacy and get out of that role of ?he?s the one that's always in trouble.?

For example, if a kid always takes? oh, I know we need to wrap up. Can you hold on? I'll talk with you after the break for a few minutes.

Absolutely.

But if a kid is always taking things, what you need to do is? I do need to hold until after the break. If the kid is taking things, you want to say, ?Why don't you divide the cake? Because I hope? I expect? you will divide it fairly.? And you give them opportunities to make amends and do things better.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad:

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

A romance killer is the joy-killer of being mentally passive. When you let your mind rust, you become dull. You become a shallow person with no serious interests or goals. Some people passively copy what others value or make choices based on unanalyzed feelings. For example, Benson reveals, ?My dad went to college and became an accountant. He told me to do the same, so that?s what I ended up doing. I don?t like it, but it's a living.? Benson is taking a passive approach to his own life. What if he does the same in romance? falling into a marriage without knowing what he wants? Only thinking purposefully about what you want, followed by action, will bring vitality to your life.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.