The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Tom, welcome to the show. How are you?

Very good. Thank you.

Tell me, what's your question?

My question is, I'm a single father.

Okay, how old? me or my son?

Oh, you.

I'm 30.

And your son?

He's eight.

Eight years old, okay.

I obtained full custody of him, and his mother had abandoned him when he was three.

Who had him in between?

We were together from his birth up until about three, just three years old.

Okay.

And after that, we had split. And shortly after that, maybe within five months, she left the state.

She just got up and left. Was she an alcoholic? Was she troubled? What was going on?

Probably troubled.

In what sense?

She had a bad childhood. Her mother had basically done the same thing, similar to her. She?s repeating history.

I believe so. I would say that that's an honest answer.

Okay, and what effect did it have? What's your question?

My question is, now my son has been doing very good in school, and I actually had? there's more to this equation, but my son had been doing very good in school. I got involved in another relationship when he was about six. So from basically the time he was born until three, it was me and his mom, from three till six, it was just me and him, and then from six until recently, it was me, him, my girlfriend and her child.

Okay, how old is her child?

Her child is four.

Okay. And male, female?

Male.

Male, okay.

And so the problem?or the truck?we split up about a month ago.

Okay.

She lived with us in our home for two years, and then we split up about a month ago, and ever since then, his grades have been dropping.

Has he been open about it? Has he been talking about what that was like?

Not a very open child. He's not open.

So one of your skills as a parent is to what?

Promote communication, I guess.

Yeah, to make it?

A very good communicator myself?

You know, but I was a horrible communicator before I had kids, and it motivated me to learn communication skills. And when I went back to school for therapy, you learn all sorts of communication skills. You can't be a therapist without communication skills. And then I read a parenting book that taught me the same skills without all of the psychobabble that I learned in grad school. The same turns? the book is fabulous. It was my lifesaver for parenting. I can look back and say I loved my kids? childhood. They tell me the same thing. They want me to raise their kids. They may have a surprise there, but?

The book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

You have an author?

Yeah, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and the authors?there are two authors?Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Fabulous book. You can get it on tape, maybe CD now too. You can. I gave it as a course many years, just so I could learn it. You don't have to be an expert to give the course.

But let me give you some tips.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh! The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

But let me give you some tips. What have you tried so far? What are your clues?

I don't even know where to begin, to be honest with you.

Okay. What does he do? What's his behavior? Is he just sullen? Is he angry? What's his?

He's angry. Very. He could be very emotional in what? surprised at the drop of a hat.

So he's sad.

Yes.

Okay. Notice, if you had said he was angry, then he's looking at the world and saying things are not fair, right? If he was real anxious, he's looking at the world and thinking, ?I don't know what my future is going to bring.? And he's real anxious. If you see the tears, then he's dealing with losses.

Yeah. And it? you.

Go ahead.

I mean it very easily. He cries very easily. And then I'll ask him, ?What's wrong, buddy? What's bothering you?? And I can't get him to open up.

Okay.

So you need a few? ?what's wrong? and ?what's bothering you? is fine, but that's not working with him. There's nothing wrong with that. Other kids would open up to it, right?

You can just say, ?You know, you look really sad.? You can just reflect his mood. ?You seem really, really sad. When you find the words for it, share it with me, honey, and I'd love to be there with you. I know that at times I feel sad too, and sometimes it's hard for me to speak up.?

He may feel like it's a burden to you. What do you think? What's the dynamics between you and your son where you notice that he pulls back? Is he afraid of you at times?

I? probably. He could be afraid. That wouldn't be a wrong assumption.

Do you sometimes lose it with him?

Like I said, I'm not a very good communicator. Yeah, I do tend to raise my voice probably more often than I should.

Okay, so he may be afraid that if he shares his innermost life with you, you'll come down hard on him.

Where did you learn that?

From my father.

Isn't that interesting. So history repeating itself again.

In order for us to get out of those tangles, we have to do thinking work, otherwise we're just on autopilot, and what's in our subconscious is what we grew up with. So if you want to move away from your dad, those books?and when I say those books, it's not just one book?that one book is the one I would begin with.

Okay.

My daughter even read it at about the same age that your son is. I don't know if he's a good reader. And she would correct me in my parenting errors. So my daughter helped to bring me up. I would say, ?Yes, you're right. I'm messing up right now. Give me some time. I'm learning new skills.?

So you can help your son see that you're a work in progress too, and work together to make the experience of raising him and his years much brighter for him, moving forward, even with the losses in his life.

Listen, thank you so much for your call, Tom.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Oh, it's kind of sensitive. Listen, Phil, as a psychiatrist, anything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence. You know, it's funny how the more you bottle things up inside, the bigger they seem to be.

Well, I've never told anybody this before, but? okay, here goes.

Six years ago, I was abducted by aliens.

You were?

Right now that I've said it out loud, it doesn't seem like that big a deal.

And that's from Frasier. And I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Now, what would you do if you were a therapist in that moment and somebody tells you that they've been abducted by aliens? I mean, what are you going to tell them??You're crazy, that's impossible?? Well, in a way, yes, that's what you need to tell them, but you can't tell them that directly. You have to help them see firsthand.

So you do that by asking some questions, such as, ?Tell me what happened,? and you get the whole story. ?And when did the aliens abduct you? What time of day?? You get the whole story as if you believe them?but you don?t. And then you ask them, ?Now, what would be another explanation for what went on?? And you help them see that from a much more rational perspective. I mean, the other one isn?t rational.

From a rational perspective, they may have been daydreaming or something else might have happened, but you help them connect with reality, not detach from it. And that's the goal of therapy. It's to help you connect with reality. Set goals for your life that you'll love. Deal with some bumps in the road. Some of them are boulders?they're not just bumps in the road?in a way that serves you well long-range, that makes you feel good about your own life.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world famous for his theories on goal setting.

It is important to introspect and to do so with the attitude that it is exciting and fascinating to come to understand yourself. What is the worst thing you can discover? That you have mistaken ideas or poor thinking methods?and these can be corrected. Many individuals don't know how to introspect effectively and efficiently, but at least they make honest attempts to understand their emotions, and they make some headway. Even keeping a journal when one experiences unsettling emotions or talking things through with a trusted friend, or if needed, a therapist, helps with self-understanding.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.