The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Matthew, you're having some problems with your 15-year-old daughter.

Yes, ma?am, yeah.

Tell me what's going on.

She's quite disrespectful at times, and defiant, and you know, she'll really elevate her voice and say harsh things and not want to comply, and a lot of it is ineffective parenting, on my life, on my part, but we're going through the Total Transformation Program. Are you familiar with that?

No, I'm not. I've heard the ad a million times, and it piques my curiosity, but I don't know what it is.

Yeah, basically talks about, you know, effective parenting and techniques, and then how to teach your kids to learn good behaviors.

You know, okay. So what does it say if she's being disrespectful or defiant? What advice does the program give you?

It says to make sure that you basically set down the parameters of what's expected, and that there are consequences, and that you follow through, you know, and that you don't renegotiate and stuff like this when things are expected.

Okay, so?yeah, go ahead.

We were wondering if kind of like some residential programs do behavioral modification, they start with scratch, with the kid. You know, they have one set or couple sets of clothes, and then they go from there to earn that, earn things.

You have to tell me how far out. Give me a visual of what are the worst two worst things she's done that would even make you think about behavior modification. What are the two worst things she's done? By the ballpark, two bad things?

Yeah, she talks about like, negative things like death and stuff.

Okay, give me an example. Tell me what she says. She comes home and says, ?Dad? or ?Mom?? What does she say? Her words, without any swearing.

Yeah, without any swearing. Oh yeah, ?Over my dead, cold body, my blood flowing,? and blah, blah, blah.

Okay. She into the goth stuff?

She was going that way, but we took away that stuff.

Yeah. Was she happy you took it away and said, ?No, that's cool. I didn't like that. It was kind of dark and macabre.?

No, she didn't like it. Well, we didn't take all her black clothes and all that.

Yeah, black fingernail polish and the rest, right?

Yeah, right, all that stuff. We're wondering if we should take her down to?you know, we went and bought her a couple nice tops with sleeves on them. She likes to wear sleeveless shirts all the time, and yeah, stuff like that.

And yeah. Tell me?she's 15 years old, she's disrespectful, and she got into the goth trend for a little bit, going that way. You're turning her around. You turn her around by motivating her. What are some healthy things that she liked, or in the past, or likes now?

She likes the horses, and we have one horse, okay?

And what else does she enjoy? What are her values apart from all the negative stuff? What are her real rational values, things that she's good at?music or singing or dancing?

But I mean some of the music that she listens to?

I understand. It doesn?t fit in the same category as?it doesn?t fit in a music category. It needs its own category, huh?

Right? One of the things is you can tap into it.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

One of the things is you can tap into a kid's healthier values. You focus on those?not to rub it in their faces?but just to have that be more on the menu, so that they don't have to rebel with the goth or whatever the language and trying to defy you. You can teach them communication skills. I think all kids should be taught that from a very young age?problem-solving and problem-solving. And the books that I've recommended?there?s one How to Talk So Teens Will Listen. Okay? So Teens Will Listen. And Between Parent and Teenager. Both of those are very good books, chock-full of advice, because when kids rebel, there's a part of them that's scared too. They still want to stay connected to the parents, and they're going about their independence in not a healthy way for themselves. But they need to see that firsthand. And so if you can offer her alternatives, she still may like that music.

You know, in my own?well, I think in my own life?I liked The Beach Boys. Oh man, that was not what my parents liked. They loved Big Band. No, I had to sneak in my room and listen to The Beatles and The Beach Boys.

And oh, she loves to blare it all. I mean, I don't even know who, yeah, but I know it's good.

I mean, she likes like Three Days Grace and all this, Linkin Park.

And yeah, I don't know the names, but my main point is, I'm glad that my parents didn't try to trash my values, because it opened me up to liking their values too. And guess what I do now? I do ballroom dancing to Big Band music. So?and my kid, my son, who would play video games for a while. You know, I thought it was going to be hopeless for a little bit, and now he is so ambitious, such a wonderful kid.

So sometimes kids just need to not have you fight a huge battle but basically focus on what she does well. If she's good in math or if she enjoys reading healthier books, give her?

She likes to read a lot, but she's reading these anime stuff. It's all about fighting and stuff.

Oh yeah, I think my daughter got it. Isn't that like some Japanese comics? Yeah, my daughter's a really great kid, and she liked that too. So I wouldn't look at it as something necessarily negative, but also introduce her to some good movies. I mean from Disney?if she's 15 years old, Beauty and the Beast is a good one too.

She would prefer horror movies, but we don't let her watch them.

Yeah, but don't be surprised. She hasn't tasted things like Singing in the Rain. You know, let her taste some fun movies from the past if you have that opportunity and just have some family time that just is playful and doesn't get into that ?this is my thing.? You know, don't try to throw?it doesn't sound like she's done anything really bad except for had some bad taste and some bad language, which isn't great, but you want to encourage more grace and nuance in her language.

And I highly recommend those books. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com and look up the books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Thank you so much for your call, and I wish you some happy moments with her.

Many, thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Avoid choosing a romantic partner who tries to fake their self-esteem. One way they do so is by using defense mechanisms. Defensiveness has disastrous effects on romantic relationships. For example, Josh forgets his wife Sarah?s birthday. She's very upset, but instead of apologizing and trying to make amends to her, Josh piles on excuse after excuse and then gets mad at her for, in quotes, ?overreacting.? This does not bode well for their relationship. If you are wrong or make an error, admit it. It may seem counterintuitive, but this will increase your self-esteem because you are fully acknowledging reality.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.