The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Randy, you're having some difficulty with your stepson?

Yes, ma'am, yeah.

Tell me what's going on.

I was informed today that he had a drug test at school and it showed marijuana, and he did admit to it. I'm wondering what kind of discipline I should use.

Okay, what your goal is—to reach his mind, correct?

Yeah.

You mean you want him—what do you want him to think after you speak with him?

Well, I want him to think that he shouldn't do that. It's against the law.

Okay. Do you think that will reach him? That argument—that it's against the law—do you think that's got a good chance of reaching your stepson?

No.

Okay. So then ask yourself: What do I think will reach him? What would be a reality-based—what facts could I present him with that would help him see for himself that he can make a better choice?

Okay. I'd have to think about that. That's a good thought.

Yeah, the easy—salute, go ahead.

Go ahead.

Oh, the easy—what we think is an easy solution, Randy, is to just say, "Don't do it. You're grounded. You're not getting the car." We impose some penalty and our kids walk away and—we cross our arms and we puff up our chests and we think, "There. I told my stepson," or "I told my daughter, and she'll never use pot again." And what the kids are thinking is very different. What do you think they're thinking when you punish them?

Well, I'm not sure.

Okay. Typically, they're thinking, "My parent is mean," or "They don't understand," or "They don't love me," or "I'm going to do it anyway," or "I'll get them back." They get revenge fantasies: "You can't tell me what to do."

Well, this is a pretty good kid. Gets good grades, I guess. Just associating with the wrong folks.

Why do you think he's choosing—kids choose who they associate with. What do you—what do you know about your stepson that would cause him to pick some kids that are not as great for him?

I don't know.

What do you like in him?

Oh, he's a very good kid. Good grades. He's a little lazy.

Okay. Here's—here's what I would do. I might go up to him and say, "Listen, you're making so many nice choices for yourself. I admire that you did well in math, or I admire that you're enjoying biology, or, you know, you really—you put in so much effort for that art project and you did really well. And I feel really good about that. And my guess is that you're feeling proud of yourself. And when I hear that you've been doing pot, I get a big question mark in my mind, honey. I'm not sure where that's coming from. Help me understand you better."

Okay, what I'm trying to do there is to hear his story, to draw him out, to let him talk. Is he the type of kid that would share information with you?

Yeah.

So what do you think he might say to you?

I'm not sure.

Okay. So that's something that you can explore with him. If he says to you, "You know, all the kids were doing it, and I just figured I'd try it. I wanted to experiment. And I didn't like it anyway. But I was afraid to tell you guys that I had tried it."

Well, if he's honest and that's all he did, it's no big deal.

This is part of his second offense.

Okay, so you're giving me more information. What else do I need to know about him?

Really, that to me is probably what I know—the only time he's broken the law, you know?

Okay, so there are only two times. And it's not so much that he's broken the law, but he's making a—because in some situations, it's open. You know, if you go to a different country, you can smoke pot. It's not an issue. It's not against the law. It's not a legal issue. The difficulty is, once you start turning to drugs, yeah—people will use it to numb their mind or to get an effect that will not serve them long-range if they continue to use it. So you can understand a kid experimenting, yeah, but it doesn't mean that it's good for him long-range.

He may feel that there's peer pressure. That may be one reason that he's experimenting. And he may have difficulty saying no to some of the bullies in the class or some of the more popular kids. In which case, he needs skills to say no. If he really wanted to say no. If he tried it and he happened to like the effect on him, then what do you do?

I don't know.

Okay, and that's why you're calling. You can say that, couldn't you? You know, one possibility is, you can get that effect—when you're feeling real anxious, the pot seems to calm you down, honey. What other—what other things can you do to calm yourself down? And you give him alternatives. You help him explore other ways to manage his stress, if that's why he was using it.

So if it's peer pressure, you help him learn how to say no. Onto difficult situations: People who are alcoholics and they want to—they want to stop being alcoholics—they want to become sober. They need skills to be able to say no to people who are offering them drink—the drink pushers. So kids need to have skills to deal with the pot pushers—the kids in their class. They say, "Oh come on, you know, just try it. It won't hurt you." You know, they try to make it look like an exciting thing.

So if that's the case, he needs those types of skills. If it's because he's dealing with stress and he's got some sort of problems, then you can give him other stress management skills.

But to sit down, be on his side, and to help him know that it's against the law—and listen to his story—and ask him what suggestions he has to stop it.

Guess what you're engaging?

Punishment or his motivation?

His motivation, yeah. You're respecting his mind more. You're working with him. And you're reducing one problem—you're not creating a power struggle between the parent and the kid.

You're really telling him, "I love you. I admire a lot in what you do. This choice wasn't such a cool choice. Let's talk about it. And let's figure out a way that you can change it. If you need some more skills, maybe we can find them for you."

Listen, there's a wonderful book. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com. It's How to Talk So Teens Will Listen. Okay, my website is DrKenner.com. Listen, I thank you very much for the call.

Thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Yes, because you won't conform, they hate you for the greatness of your achievement. They hate you for your integrity. They hate you because they know they can neither corrupt you nor rule you. They won't let you survive.

And that's from The Fountainhead. That's one of—that—my favorite author, Ayn Rand, A-Y-N R-A-N-D. And her book Atlas Shrugged is my all-time favorite book. But you can hear the theme in that. You've had people in your life who hate you, not because you're bad, not because you lied, not because you cheated, not because you stole something, but they hate you because you're excelling, or you're making honest choices that they're not making, or you don't steal or cheat when the opportunity is there.

You value your mind, and they hate you because you're making better choices than they're making. And you're making yourself into a better person.

If you find that you are on the—that you are on the side of being attacked by envious people, whether it's a sibling or a coworker or sometimes even parents are jealous of their kids' success, you really want to figure out how to deal with that. You don't want to appease them, and yet you don't want to wrap your life around them so that you can't breathe. You can enjoy your own life.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Learning how to value yourself is no easy task. It is proper to design your own life. Start by naming what matters most to you. For example:

Choosing and pursuing your own values;
Thinking for yourself;
Speaking up for yourself tactfully;
Being honest with yourself and with others;
Setting proper boundaries with family, friends, and associates;
Going to school to become more qualified to pursue your chosen career;
Giving your children a good education and moral guidance, yet encouraging them not to obey blindly but to think for themselves; and
Learning how to communicate well with your partner in order to grow closer emotionally.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.