The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com.

Hi, I'm 16 years old, and I was just wondering, how do I avoid my parents? Because my parents are, they don't really like my boyfriend, and my boyfriend and I have been going out for seven months. And we got him along on a trip one day, and he was being shy and stuff. And then we came home, and then my parents dropped him off at home, and then my mom's like, "You'll never see that boy again." And I don't know why she said that. She said he was being rude. And I've been seeing him so long, and I just want to leave and stuff. And I just wanted to know if you could help me, because my parents are psychos. And like, my parents don't let me do anything. Like, I know I'm only 16 years old, but they don't let me leave the house at all. They really don't. And like, I try to do what they say. I obey the rules. Like, I've been doing this forever. I've been doing it forever, and I'm just getting tired of doing what they say, and I don't want to do it. I was just wondering if you could help me.

Okay, if you can bear with me a minute, I am going to say something that I don't believe, but you will hear common advice like this, and then I'm going to tell you what I really think:

"You know, these are your parents, and you have to obey them. I mean, they know what's best for you. You're not old enough to know what's best for you, and maybe this boy is bad news, and your parents can sense it, and you just have to go by what they say. I mean, you're lucky to have parents that care enough that they're there and that they tell you what to do all the time."

Now, do I believe that? Not one minute. I think I tend to believe what you think, which is that your parents are psychos, meaning that they're too over-controlling—not that they're psychos, but that they're way too over-controlling. And I highly recommend—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, "I live in the shadow of my husband's life," or "I feel invisible to my girlfriend." These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance, by Drs. Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

—that they're way too over-controlling, and I highly recommend a book, Between Parent and Teenager. This is by Dr. Haim Ginott. It's an older book. It's on my website, DrKenner.com, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com. One of the wonderful gifts that a parent can give a child in his teenage years, in his or her teenage years, is psychological independence: letting your child make their own decisions, assuming that your child is making rational decisions. But if you've been dating a boy that you judge as good—I'm assuming he's not a drug addict—you sound like one of those kids who has really tried to be a good kid, a good girl, and hopefully you're becoming a good woman now. And you want to train yourself to use your own judgment, and that's what a good parent would let go and let you do, even if you make a few mistakes. If you found out this guy is no good and you got burned by him, well then you move on. Now, that doesn't mean you jump into bed with him and have sex with him right away. If you get pregnant, then that's major, especially if you're not comfortable with getting an abortion. Especially at that young age, I would highly encourage an abortion, but you can call me another time on that question if that ever comes up.

But right now, your goal is not to obey your parents, but to use your own judgment. Don't rebel either. A lot of teenagers just rebel against their parents, and that makes it hell for everyone. So your parents are probably decent parents, but I would say that if they read Between Parent and Teenager, they might feel like they have some support in a different direction to go that's much more respecting of you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"We all have these terrible stories to get over." And you—it's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. "What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good."

Now, listen to that very quick. What happens when something good goes on in other people's lives and you're just sitting back and you're not doing much with your own life? How do you deal with that? Many people just become very envious, and they need their negatives in their life as an excuse. You know, "Look at what's happened to me." But really, you've got to be very careful with that, because sometimes the truth is not that you're severely and sincerely traumatized and you need help with that, but sometimes it's that you're running away from yourself. You know, you haven't made good choices, or you haven't made what you could have of your life, and you're so angry with yourself that when you sit back and you look at other people excelling and doing things that they want to do and leading good lives, you just need to cling to your terrible stories, and you need to cling to other people's terrible stories, and the great ones are an irritation. If that's the case, you don't want to engage in self-betrayal. You don't want to always find ways to run away from yourself. You want to find ways to make your life great, even if you've gone through significant trauma.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

"Always apologize if you have hurt or disappointed your partner. If you listen well, you'll discover sometimes that you have hurt your partner's feelings. This calls for an apology. Some people find it difficult to apologize because their self-esteem may be based on being perfect. Nothing is more guaranteed to make your partner feel unjustly treated and invisible than your refusal to acknowledge that you have hurt them. Active listening will go far to put your partner at ease. Your partner no longer has to work to make you understand. You have demonstrated that you have grasped what your partner is saying without necessarily agreeing with it."

You can download Chapter One for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.