The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

D, you're dealing with your 10-year-old?

Yes.

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Oh, he's basically just being defiant. I mean, he doesn't want to follow any rules. If there is punishment behind his behavior, then he gets this look in his eyes as if he's angry at the world and angry at me and his father, and it's just—it's getting to the point where it's making the whole family environment unbearable.

Okay, you've got one 10-year-old. When you say the family environment—is it just the three of you, or you've got more?

No, I have another—well, I have two other children. One is in college, and one is in high school. But it's just this child is out of the norm.

Okay, so quite defiant. When did it begin? Do you remember back when—was he always like this? Or was there a certain point in time maybe he went off?

This has been going on for about a year now.

Okay.

And it's, you know, I mean he's been punished—we’ve taken things away from him. He's actually had a physical punishment, but it's to the point where now he even balls up his fists as if he's going to do something to you if you say anything to him. And I don't want—you know, I've actually taken him in for counseling before, and he puts on this whole different facade. And the counselor is like, "I don't see what you see." And I'm like, "Well, maybe I should video this for you so you can see what I'm seeing and experiencing." I mean, he lashes out at kids at school, and it's to the point where he is verbally abusive to his classmates.

Any question, any possibility of—you said there was some physical abuse at home?

No, he's been spanked. It's no physical abuse.

Okay.

It's spanking for him being disobedient and doing things out at school. You know, as far as when the punishment is taking things away from him—it's gotten to the point where it's redundant, and it's like a joke to him.

Yeah. He has you.

So it's more like, "You can't hurt me, Mom. You can't hurt me. Take away what you want." And then you get that real, that tense anger, where he balls up his fists at you. Your parenting style—how would you describe that? If I was your child and I misbehaved—if I didn't clean my room or I refused to help you with a chore around the house—what would you tell me? What would I—

Well, the consequences for that is, "Okay, well, you know the games that you have, or something that I know that you like, it's going to be taken away from you."

"Well, I don't care."

The response is that. "Okay, well, if you don't care, then I don't care either." You know, I basically try to explain to him that everybody lives by rules—even adults have to live by rules.

"Well, you can't—you can't make me!"

"Yes, I can."

"No, you can't."

"Yeah, you can't hurt me."

You know, I explain to him that, you know, "If you don't want to live by rules, then you have two alternatives. You're either going to be ostracized by society—because people that don't live by rules, they either end up dead or in jail. That's the consequence of not living by rules."

Okay. Every day.

Okay? When has he been at his best? When have you thoroughly enjoyed his company?

It's really—it's been to the point where it's been really slim and none.

Okay, but does something—

Yeah, that is fantastic. He gets much praises. So it's not like he doesn't get love and attention. So it's like, on an everyday basis, we spend time with him. When he comes home, the first thing he's asked is, "How was your day at school?" "Do you have any homework?" You know, and the point is that I want you to do your homework, but if there are questions that you don't understand, then we will sit side by side and go over those things with you. And the time that he gets—he gets—actually, he gets more time than the other two children ever got. Because in the beginning, I was a single parent with my first two children, so I worked all the time. So, you know, I would expect them to be more rebellious, but they weren't. And this child—he gets all of the attention. You know, I'm married to his father, so his father's in the home. You know, it's whatever, you know, is going on in his life. I mean, when I walk in the door, no matter how tired I am, it's, you know, "Josiah time." You know, for him to explain what is going on. And he's the type of child that—he does not want you to know that he's done something wrong, but he tells on himself because you can see it in his face.

You see—you know him well enough that you can read it. Let me give you just some—some tips that may help. One of the things is—

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Let me give you just some—some tips that may help. One of the things is, when a kid is acting very odd, and he was a good kid maybe two years ago, but something happened a year ago where he changed. Something happened, and I don't know what it is. I let my mind—as a parent, I want to draw a range of possibilities.

On one end, he's just a defiant kid. Kids do make independent choices, and they make their own character. And you can have kids in the same family—some make good choices, some make bad choices. So it could be as simple as just, he's making choices that are very—not good.

And on the other end of the scale—I have had—you know what might be at the other end? Sometimes I have met with kids who have been sexually abused on the outside or bullied by kids or something that they haven't told their parents yet. And they said, "I kept trying to—I was acting out at home. I was hoping my parents would figure it out." And it's like a cry for help—not in a very effective manner, we both agree to that—but that there's something hidden behind the scenes. And since he has not been a defiant kid his whole life, I would go back a year ago and figure out what happened. Did someone lose their job at home? Did something happen in the marriage? Was there an affair? I'm not saying this is your case—but you want to look for what could have happened.

Then you want to look for details with him. Draw your son out. He's expecting you to yell at him all the time. Instead of yelling at him, at some point say, "Honey, help me understand you better. How can we work better together?" You engage his cooperation.

I'm going to give you two different books that I recommend. One is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. They're at my website, DrKenner.com. The other book—there’s also one written for teens—How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. But there's another book—Before It's Too Late by Stanton Samenow. Now—S-A-M-E-N-O-W—and that's, how do you catch a kid who seems to be going off the deep end at a young age and help them see a different image of themselves and work toward that—and break a cycle between you that’s going in the wrong direction.

Listen, I wish we had more time. I want to thank you so much for your call, and I hope that that helps.

Okay.

Okay, and if you want to hold on, I’ll talk with you during the break.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Aggressiveness leaves a nasty hangover. Unless you suffer from very poor insight, you are aware that you bullied someone you care about, and you often feel sheepish and guilty afterward. The person on the receiving end of your wrath is hurt and distrusts you, even if both of you fake a close relationship to the outside world. A tip-off to aggressive language is the pronoun "you" or finger-pointing language. Imagine your partner telling you: "You make me angry. You don’t listen. You talk to me like I’m stupid. You drive me crazy." The use of “you” language as a method of attack is guaranteed to set a relationship on fire—and we don’t mean romantically. It invites the person receiving the barbs to stop listening and withdraw or counterattack.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com