The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

And right now I want to go to our after-hours lines, and this call is a little difficult to hear, so let me just tell you that it's a divorce situation. The wife has threatened the husband, who then put a restraining order on her. Now, the wife tells their 10-year-old daughter, "Daddy won’t let us back into the house." It makes the husband, who was threatened, look like the bad guy, not the wife. So that’s the situation, and here is the call.

My brother is going through a divorce. He and his wife are going through joint custody. He had to place a restraining order on my sister-in-law. She threatened him, but she has relayed this to their 10-year-old daughter, saying that the reason why she can't get back in the house is because of my brother and that he placed this restraining order on her. Now, I would have never gone through a child to do this. She cannot talk to my brother because he has the restraining order on her since she threatened him. This has nothing to do with the children, but he is trying to keep this child between them. His daughter wants him to take off the restraining order and let the mother back in. But the mother left—she didn’t want to be married to my brother. So he is really going through a lot right now, and it is just really tearing him down because his daughter gets an attitude every time she is around him, since the mother has told her that he lies all the time. So I’m trying to give him a solution, which I can’t, but at least I can try to comfort his daughter in some way.

To me, the biggest thing that stands out there is what you mentioned: she’s poisoned the daughter towards your brother, the father. Another thing is that the wife is saying, "Your daddy lies all the time. Daddy is a big fat liar. Don’t believe anything Daddy says." If the daughter wants to be connected to her mother, or if she has seen her dad lie in the past, then she’s just going to go with her mom. But what if that’s not the case? What if your brother is actually a decent person, doesn’t lie, and it’s the wife who’s lying and wanted to leave him anyway, even going as far as threatening him enough that the authorities granted a restraining order? Then he’s caught in a terrible situation because the wife has already poisoned the daughter.

What I would suggest is that when he gets together with his 10-year-old daughter—let’s call her Mandy—and Mandy’s there saying, "Daddy, why can’t you let Mommy back in the house? Why can’t you let Mommy back in?" Instead of telling himself, "Oh, I can’t say anything. I don’t want to play the same games as her mom," he can—

I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Hmm, the Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

And instead of telling himself, "Oh, I can’t say anything. I don’t want to play the same games with Mom," he can draw his daughter out, let her talk so he can get the full context of what information she’s been given. He can say, "Honey, tell me what you’ve heard. You seem so angry with me. You seem so upset, and I want to make sure the facts are straight. There may be some things I can’t share because they’re just inappropriate, but I want to hear what you’ve heard that makes you so angry and makes me look so unreasonable in your eyes. Help me understand that better. If you’re right, I will own up to my role in this. If it’s not accurate, I’ll try to correct it. I’ll give you the truth. I can’t guarantee you’ll believe me, but I want to give you as much of the truth as I think you’re owed."

It’s a messy situation, and I wish she weren’t as involved. I wish her mom and I could handle this all behind the scenes, but I want to connect with my daughter. If she refuses to talk, at least put the invitation out there. Instead of saying, "Well, if you don’t want to talk, that’s it," he could say, "I know this is painful, honey. Think about it, and if you ever want to call me anytime, day or night, I’m here. I’ll make myself available. There may be times I absolutely can’t if I’m at work, but I’ll definitely make the time for you. If we would do better in counseling, that’s an option too." So, open up the doors for her. Don’t paint yourself into a corner or close any doors. Be there as a dad. She may see through the mess; she may observe her mom’s behavior and already know things.

That’s what I would recommend. You can also visit my website, DrKenner.com, where there’s a book called Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce. I have a write-up on it there, and it’s by Florence Bienenfeld. It’s a fabulous book that shows the harm of putting a child in the middle of divorce issues. People get so angry, and parents can feel rejection, desire revenge. Big values are at stake: the house, the kids. People lose control and yell and scream. But when you have kids, you want to manage this as smoothly as possible without involving them as much as this 10-year-old is right now.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Dad and I had another fight.
I’m afraid if we stay under the same roof together, we’ll do irreparable harm to our relationship.
You might remember why you moved him in initially—to get closer to Dad.
I still do. There’s nothing I’d like more, but he makes it impossible. I can’t read my book, have my coffee, or enjoy peace in my own home.
So what you’re saying is you want to be closer to Dad but not have him around.

That’s Frasier and Niles, obviously. There’s a real point there that, in one sense, we all value our privacy. Even in marriage, there are times when you need private time. We’re individuals first, then a couple—or in this case, a son and father. So, the need for private time is natural, but there’s more to it here with Frasier and his dad. As adults, we gain independence from our parents. Living with them decades later, or having them move back in, can bring conflicts. You’re set in your ways, have your opinions of each other, pet peeves, and may feel judged. Living with a parent can work if you work through these issues, but it’s healthier when you can manage under one roof with a reasonable parent, assuming you’re reasonable too.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, visit DrKenner.com and listen to them.

And here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Stress is a big part of most people’s lives today, with time pressure being a common cause. Money is often a factor too. For many couples, there’s too much to do in too little time or too many bills with too little cash. Partners can help each other in stressful times by being good listeners, not unwelcome advice-givers who add stress. Provide a calm, restful environment for each other. Make your home a place where everyone is treated with understanding, benevolence, and goodwill. Give moral support, encouragement, and help find solutions to practical problems if help is requested.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and buy the book on Amazon.com.