The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

This is a call from a father who separated from his son, and he's been separated. The father's been separated for several years, and he wants to return into his son's life, but his son is resistant.

Me and my son were separated for several years through my own mistakes and mistakes of his mom. I recently found my child and found out that social services took custody of the child away from his mother. Found out, since we had split up, she’d become a drug addict, left the child at home for hours on end by himself, kept a really filthy house. Was told by neighbors that this house was disgusting. His room is actually very clean. I'm trying to reintegrate myself into becoming part of this child's life again, and he's really resistant to it, because he's afraid I'm going to take him away from his grandfather, who has temporary custody of him. And my question is, what can I do to gain his trust and make him realize that I'm not like his mom? I don't live like his mom. I'm not going to treat him like his mom treated him. I don't know what to do here, other than keep doing the visitations. Unfortunately, it's 650 miles each way, but I did get a visit under my belt. He was really cold at first, but after about 15 minutes, he warmed up to me. We went on the playground and had an absolutely fantastic time, but I'm having a hard time getting him to want to talk to me on the phone. I think he's just, he's scared that I'm a lot like his mom. What can I do?

Okay, your son's been through a heck of a lot of trauma in this very young life. The question for you right now is, what do you mean by you want to integrate yourself into your son's life? Do you mean that you want to have full custody? Do you want to be an active parent? Would you be willing to move 650 miles to be with your son, to live with him, or to live in the same neighborhood, so that you can be a daily part of his life? Or do you want to be a part-time father traveling maybe during the holidays, or having him come out to visit you, and not really being a dad, but being a friend on the outside? In some ways, you want to figure out what role you want to play in his life before you even address the situation. Now you've met him. If you decide that you want to be a full-time dad and that you would be willing to move, you don't have a wife, you don't have other commitments or a job that doesn't allow you to move. If you're willing to move and not to pull him away from grandpa, then you've got a running shot of—

I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

If you're willing to move and not to pull him away from grandpa, then you've got a running shot of connecting with him, because it sounds like you're a much, much better person than, obviously, than the drug addict mom, your ex. The problem that you have, if she was— I don't know if she was your wife, but the problem that you have is that you need to know your son's context. What has he been told about you over the years? If she was a drug addict, she may have said some awful things about you, and he may have every reason to believe them because he doesn't have any evidence otherwise. So if you sent him pictures of your house that were very clean, they weren’t messy like her house, if you told him he'd be able to stay with his grandpa if he wants to, if you address his concerns, and if you give him visibility, if you get involved in his daily life and take an interest in it, and don't just do it during a honeymoon period but do it full-time, you’ll be happier, and you'll have a much better shot of having a good connection with him. And—

Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Stopped for gas, and I pumped it myself. Part of a new kick I’m on, which is, I’m learning to be handy. I depend too much on other people, so I'm doing it myself. Feel that? Tell me that’s not the start of a first great callous. I got my first work shirt this morning, and tonight, I’m tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor, and—

That's Niles, and there's some truth behind what he's saying. I mean, even though independence is thinking for yourself, there's an aspect of it that you need to follow through in action. For example, I can remember the first time I got a flat tire on a rainy day. I was miles away from any phone, any pay phone. Another problem: we didn’t have cell phones back then. So I had to get out and change a tire on my little Fiat, my little car. I had no knowledge of how to do this, got out in the rain, got the instructions that were written in microscopic print, figured out how to lift the car, how to take the tire off, get the lug nuts off. I’m not a big person, so using my weight trying to get them off, I got them off and changed my own tire successfully. Excuse me, when I changed it, I was left with this feeling of, Wow, I can conquer the world. If I can change my tire, like Niles saying, I can pump my own gas, I can conquer the world. And it’s really just some evidence for yourself or for myself, in that case, that I’m active-minded, that I can not just capitulate and give in and say, Woe is me. So think about the things in your life, like your digital camera or your TV remotes or just maybe there's some aspect in your life that you just keep telling yourself, Oh, I can’t manage it. You’re not handy at all. You want to challenge that, because it gives you a much better sense of yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Although many important personality traits are valuable in romance, some can properly be a matter of personal preference. Some partners enjoy more humor, some less. Some prefer gregarious partners; others prefer a more introspective, quiet one. Some like a person who enjoys spontaneity; others prefer planners. If partners are not well-matched or at least accepting of differences, such legitimate differences can result in chronic tension, painful arguments, and a conflict-ridden relationship. Even among partners who are good people, partners sometimes mistakenly treat such optional personality traits as moral issues. Such differences may be legitimate reasons for not wanting one another as soul mates, but they don’t make a person morally wrong.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.