The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com.

Right now, we're going to turn to our after-hours line. And this is about a grandmother who's very worried about her granddaughter who's lying.

My granddaughter, who is seven years old, has a habit lately of lying and boasting constantly. We went to the fair, and she said that her painting had won first prize and her sister's painting had won first prize. Now her parents are separated. This may be a stressful time for her, but it has been going on for a year now, and I would like to know if there's any way of helping this problem at all, or whether it can be diagnosed. Okay, I'm

assuming she's only seven years old, so I'm assuming that even though she's been doing it for a year, it's not too late to help her change. And you want to be a good role model, first of all. If you're not someone that lies, and I assume that you're not because you're calling in very concerned about her, then you want to help her see the consequences of the lies. For example, if she said she won first prize at this fair, then I would go up to the person. I would go up, if you're still at the fairgrounds, go up to the person who gave out the prizes and say, "Could you tell me who won first prize?" Let her face the consequences of her lie, the fact that she did not win. Her name is not on the board as having won first prize. She doesn't have any trophies for it. And then say to her, "Help me understand where this is coming from." Hopefully, she'll open up to you and be able to talk about her insecurities. Typically, people who are boastful and lie to make themselves feel puffed up, look better than they actually are, are very insecure, especially if it's boasting. So she may be wanting the attention of her parents. If her parents are separated, she may feel like she's the cause of her parents' problems and wants to feel good about herself, so she makes up lies about herself. But she's living in a fake world. So if you can get to the deeper issue, which is her motivation for lying, you know, what is the injury? What is the pain? What is the anger that she might be feeling that makes her feel justified in lying? Then it will be much easier to help her see the alternative, to be able to tell the truth. You can also help her with literature or with movies where kids are shown lying. For example, the movie Aladdin comes to mind, the Disney movie where Prince Ali pretends he's someone that he's not, and Jasmine says he has to make a choice. Does he level with Jasmine or not, Princess Jasmine or not? And he eventually does. The genie helps him with that. She needs to see examples of the value of telling the truth in terms of her own self-image, her self-esteem, and her relationships with you and other people. And she still needs to deal with the divorce issues, the fact that her parents are separated, openly, not hidden.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. It's

almost beyond belief. She's funny, she's smart, and I would never believe a girl is beautiful could have such a great personality—Ugly Duckling syndrome. What? She probably didn't get pretty until high school. Thus, the personality had to develop out of necessity. It's an evolutionary thing. You know what? I bet you're right. She's way too pretty to be so nice.

Isn't that interesting? How we form these stereotypes? You know, if you're fat, you must be happy, and if you're really good looking, you must be cold and snobby. Well, hey, you have to challenge those. You have to get examples in your own life to show yourself that that's not always the case. That's sometimes the case, maybe many times the case, but not always the case. Now, I had a great picture taken of me this week. It was my license. Now it's not the regular mug shot. I walked into an AAA, which is wonderful. The AAA is now doing licenses, and I'm soaking wet. It's pouring rain. I feel like, you know, a cat that was dragged in from the rain. And this real hefty lady who didn't happen to be a friendly, hefty lady at the desk, because she was standing at the desk, and she looked absolutely, totally bored with her job. She looked disgusted to see me, you know, one more person that she had to take a license picture of. And I tried to make conversation, and she just said, "Sit down on the stool." So I sat down, and she's totally aloof. And I have to look at her and smile at her. Come on. I can't smile at her. So she took this picture of me, this just real mug shot of me, and I'm looking at it on her computer screen, and it's ghastly. It reflected how I was feeling about her, her iciness. Well, luck was with me because she didn't like the shot. And she didn't like the shot not because I wasn't smiling, but because my bangs were covering one eye, and for legal purposes, you can't have that on your license. So she had said, "I have to redo it." And I said, "Could you help me smile?" And she was just disgusted. And she looked at the lady across the way, and she said, "This girl wants you to make her smile," and I just cracked up. So my photo turned out great because I cracked up for

more Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

We said that wanting approval to eliminate your self-doubts does not work, and it does not contribute to a lasting romantic relationship. On the other side of the approval coin, you cannot get genuine self-esteem through disparaging others with put-downs, flaw-finding, or one-upmanship. Another person's flaws don't make you a better person. People who try to get self-esteem by putting others down are trying to hide their own moral vices and/or their own sense of inferiority. You earn self-esteem by your own thinking and actions, not through comparisons. Self-esteem is not a matter of comparing yourself to anyone or gaining the illusion that you're okay by using defensive maneuvers.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.