The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com and @amazon.com

Sonia, you're having some difficulties with your son. Yes.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, yes, I am having some difficulty. I just noticed recently that his behavior changed. Okay, he's how old?

15 years old, and what is the situation that you think has made his behavior change? Is it inside the household? Is it at school? Is it within him?

I think it's a combination. His father and I are going through a divorce, and I see him. He has a younger sister. Every weekend, he goes to see his father, but then he asked if he could just go for a week to spend a week with his father. And I said, okay, because he takes him to school.

Okay, let me pause for a second. We're having a little difficulty. I'm having some difficulty hearing you, so let me make sure I heard you correctly, that you are in the process of a divorce. After how many years of marriage?

16, so you were married, yeah, before you had them, right? And you have two kids. Is the other child also dad's child from a different marriage?

Oh, no, I have full custody of both. You have full custody.

Okay, just in a nutshell, in a sentence or two, tell me the essence of the divorce. Is it one of those wonderful divorces where you just say, “Hey, we've grown apart, we're parting ways,” or is it one of those more fiery divorces where you're angry, he had an affair, or you had an affair?

No affair, but he was angry.

And who's angry?

He's angry.

He's angry, yeah. And who wants to leave, you or dad?

I wanted to leave.

You want to leave. Okay? Because you're not happy with him anymore. Obviously, right? Okay? And what does, what? What? Give me a sampler of your son's behavior. What was he doing well before? And now he's, in your words, acting up.

He was doing well in school. He was never very talkative. But, I mean, I could get a lot out of him. Now, I ask him a question, and he's just answering just one word, no, yes, maybe. I don't know. Most of the answers are, I don't know.

Yeah, so he's, he may be, maybe he doesn't know, or maybe he's evasive. What are the types of things that you're asking him? If he could answer one question for you, Sonia, what would it be?

Why are you still staying at your father? You were supposed to go for one week, and he's there now for five weeks, and you refuse to come home.

Okay, and if you could take—you know the whole situation far better than I will ever know it—if you had to take one shot as to why you think, with all your knowledge, your son is staying with dad instead of you. Why do you think it is?

He gets more freedom too.

Okay, give me a sample. What does he get to do with dad that he doesn't get to do with you?

He stays up late and stays on the computer.

And what does he do on the computer? Is he studying diligently?

Not at all. Absolutely not. I'm afraid he's not, because his grade does not reflect that.

What's on the computer then?

I think he's probably chatting on the computer or with friends. I think that's what he's doing. I don't know what friends will be up that time of night, but that's what I think he's doing.

Okay, so you have a big question mark about what the heck's going on on the computer, and I was wondering if, probably he's taking something, any drugs you're worried about?

Some drugs?

Yes, I wonder what would be some of the symptoms. You know, any evidence? Do you see any paraphernalia? Have you checked his pockets when you do the laundry?

I know he's at dad's, so you're probably not doing the laundry.

No, not doing the laundry. Does dad use substances, any alcohol or pot or anything?

No, he doesn't, but his behavior, I'm questioning myself. What could it be why I asked him, and he told me, I'm making it worse by asking him?

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I asked him, and he told me I'm making it worse by asking him.

Okay, so he's pushing you away, though. Sometimes when kids do things that they know they shouldn't do, and they don't want the scrutiny of the parents, and they don't want to hear the facts, then they push you away, and he has a hiding place at dad's. As far as that's the way you're seeing it, right? He can hide out at dad's. He gets more freedom there. He also gets to be with his sister there. Do you have? Is it a daughter or another son?

Your daughter?

How old is she?

She's 13.

Is she at home with you or with him?

She's home with me.

Okay, does what? What's the dynamic between the two of them? Does he not like being with her? Does he pick on her, or are they best buddies? Is he supportive of her?

No, she picks on him.

Oh, she picks on him. A 13-year-old picking on a 15-year-old son. Do you pick on him too?

When he doesn't do well?

I don't think I'm picking on him. I'm just expecting a lot from him.

So do you think the expectations are out of sync with what he does? Does he feel like a chronic failure? It's never good enough with mom.

When he does well, I compliment him.

Oh, wonderful.

When he doesn't do well, I polish him.

Okay, I'm going to recommend a book for teenagers. There are actually two books. One is "Between Parent and Teenager." It's an old book, and it is terrific. It's at my website, and it's by Dr. Ginott. G-I-N-O-T-T. It's a little dated in the examples, but it's very good for the teenage years. And if your goal is to help encourage your son to talk, that will help. The second is "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen."

Okay, and that, again, is on my website. So I won't give you the authors of Maslow and Fauci, but you can see that at my website, Dr. Kenner.com.

Here's one of the things that I would encourage you to do. You can just share with your son, “I'm feeling sad. I miss you, and I'm sitting here with a huge question mark every day because I don't know what's up. We used to be closer, and maybe I've been harder on you. Maybe you like your freedom with dad. Maybe you're angry with me, honey. I've got a lot of maybes in my head, and if we could just talk about one or two of them, I think that that would help us better. You know, it would help us connect a little better.” You know, it's like giving him an invitation to talk.

So, well, thank you so much for your call, Sonia. And I think the books will help. And I think if you give him an invitation to talk, that gives him a sample of you not being critical of him.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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