The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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Julie, welcome to the show.

Hi.

Your situation has to do with your son. Correct?

Yeah.

Tell me what's going on?

Oh, I just had a question. I mean, I'm, everyone tells me don't worry about it. But he's three and a half. And he doesn't. He's the only child and he always wants to play. A lot of times he likes to play with girls stuff. Okay, my husband is starting to get started wondering what's going on? And I mean, is it time to stop? You know, telling him he can't do that? Or can you give me any ideas?

I guess one of the things that crosses my mind is how is he finding girls stuff if he's an only child, and my guess is that there are more male or, or boy oriented toys in the house?

Well, basically, his little best friend is the girls. So when he's there, he likes to, you know, he, I don't know if he's just curiosity. But he what he does is when he wears a t shirt, yeah, he wants to take the arms out and pull it down on his waist and turn it into a dress. So that's the thing that my husband is starting to get worried about. And I spoke to my doctor, and he said, Don't worry about it. But I'm just wondering whether it's time to stop, you know, I was just letting it go.

What is your husband say to your son? Anything at all?

Well, he'll, sometimes he'll say that, you know, it's not, you shouldn't be turning that into a dress, you're a boy. But he's not like being harsh about it. He's kind of ignoring it, too. It's like, we ignore it. And then we freak out about it, we ignore it.

I know, when my son was that age, I went out and bought him a doll. So he would have a doll because that was the thing at that time that you wanted to have, you didn't want to just put guns in your son's hands like they did when we were growing up in my generation in your knife, you know, toy guns, the water gun, so the rest. And my son played with the doll, he enjoyed the dial. And decades later, I pulled it out of the barn and it was a little moldy. And I said, Oh yes, the dial you loved and he looked at it, like what BA can no recollection of it. So if you make a big deal of it, it's more likely to get entrenched and become a power struggle and something that your son might use to fight us as a source of independence. Dad can't tell me what to do. He says I shouldn't be looking at girls things. Once he gets that notion, then he might fight it. And then you've got much more of a problem on your hands. Whereas if you just put on the you know, if he's lifting it up, like a skirt, and then maybe the little girl will try on pants or something and it's no big deal. It's just like, dress up.

I'm sorry. Oh, it's, it's he doesn't want he's bored.

Oh, well then give him a nice menu of activities.

But I work from home. And sometimes when I'm on the phone, and he has to entertain himself for 5-10 minutes. That's when he it's like, whatever, remind something, remind him of it. And then he'll start doing it. It's almost like he's doing it to make me angry. I don't know.

Yes, If the kids pick up that something irritates you, they will do it more. Because all boy, oh, well, that's good news. And your son, your husband doesn't see that. If he's with boys. He's all boys. And if he wants to get under your skin and knows that this gets under your skin, then he's doing it then then you're seeing a pattern that has nothing to do with the dresses for another mother. A mother might be very upset if she sees the son go over and pull the dog's tail. And the son, the young son, the three and a half year old wants the mom's attention because she's not giving it to him at the time. So what might you do? . . .

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A mother might be very upset if she sees the sun go over and pull the dog's tail and the sun. The young son the three and a half year old wants mom's attention because she's not giving it to him at the time. So what might need to go over around the dog's tail so afraid of the fact that he keeps doing it he'll come into a habit of . You know how some people are talking a certain way, it can start building into a habit, especially if you make it taboo. If you make it a nothing thing and give them other things to build habits upon you if you give him other activities, for example, with my kids when they were three and a half years old, we had tons of activities around the home. There was a book, How to Raise a brighter child, I'm trying to think of who wrote that Joan back, I think, and it was a fad, it was just chock full of ideas, it wasn't that you have to raise the Einstein for me, I used it just to take the ideas that I wanted from it not as a guilt trip. And I had our home was just, it wasn't that our home was cluttered. It was that our home you know, some houses when you walk in, you can't step into a house that with a toys are everywhere. And it's overwhelming to the child. But if there are interesting activities, for example, I had a cupboard that had a sorting activity. So I took all my pots and pans out and my son sons and my son and daughter could go in, and they could have all the dried pasta to play with, they put on a mat on the floor and they would sift rice, they would play with spaghetti. You know, I gave them that to play with as a learning activity.

This is making a lot we do. We're constantly on the go. It's just, it's like he wants to constantly go go go and when he gets bored, that's when he starts doing it a minute ago, he was Supergirl but now he just came here he wanted to be Superman.

Wonderful. Wonderful. So just enjoy Superman and ignore Super Girl. You know, just a very light touch it I don't see it as anything like a gender identity problem or anything like that. I think it becomes a big problem. When I've seen adults come into my office who have had identity problems or they've had problems. Yeah, like cross dressing. It's usually because the parents their parents made such a stink about it and yelled at them and criticize them and made fun of them. What do you think you're a girl that it became much more of it was more of a power struggle with the parents and us fight for their own independence and then they ended up as you said making it into a habit you know, the cross dressing or the oh the exposing themselves are different problems like that. They so you know my my sense is that with your son just treat it just gently and as a nothing issue. And enjoy the fact that he does have a much wider menu you're saying that he likes playing boys with boys and with boy toys and that he that this is only when he gets together with this girl. Right?

Okay. Well, no, with his little girlfriend and at home he'll turn his chairs into dresses.

Yeah, I wouldn't make a big deal about it.

And once in a while he wants to put a shirt on his head to make it hair look like hair.

Oh, you know what I might do you he could have a little costume corner if you wanted to. But make mostly male clothes. You pirates thing like a Halloween things? You know, you could have that so he's got a little dress up corner. But it isn't just girls clothes. It's it's mostly all male clothes that are all different and it will give him a you know, he could you could picture him as an actor some day.

Okay, okay, that's one idea. But just give him a wider menu of things to select from and don't make a big deal about this. And I think that that will and definitely don't picture him in the future as having gender identity problems because then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You treat him that way.

How would you recognize if that was an issue?

I think it's not it with your case. Are they born? Let me let me touch base with you during the break. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

If you think your partner's being unfair, a way to avoid overreacting is to summarize what you heard your partner say and check to see if what you heard was accurate. Avoid adding comments of your own at this point. The goal is to let both of you digest what was said and clear up misunderstandings. For example, suppose Aaron complains to his wife Jane in general terms that they've been spending too much money. Jane might ask Are you upset with me for buying those new clothes? Is that what's bothering you? Aaron could then clarify what he meant. He might say yes, that bothers me a lot. Or you might say, Oh no, I love your new outfits. I'm upset that I spent so much on landscaping. Many arguments are based on what we think our partner meant. And often it's not accurate.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com