The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is an email that I received from someone who's having some questions about her cousin.

Do you ever have anyone in your life who just seemed to be normal or happy-go-lucky, and suddenly they went through a dramatic change? And you're scratching your head and saying to yourself, "I'm not in their inner circle, but something really odd is going on, and I wonder if the people who are in their inner circle should pay closer attention."

So here's the situation, dear Dr. Kenner: six months ago, my 16-year-old cousin, Seth, totally changed. He's anxious about many things. He's careless and irresponsible, and that has affected his studying. So I'll pause there for a moment because you’ve got a 16-year-old who's careless, irresponsible, anxious, and not studying. Man, you know, is that some normal adolescent stuff going on? But let me continue because I don't think you'll think so.

He's had some odd behaviors, talking and laughing with himself, which draws the attention of others. He told me that I am HIV positive, and I'm not. He has few friends, and he accuses one of being in a Taliban group. He lives in his imagination. His family is getting worried about his condition. Is it something to be worried about, Caitlin?

Caitlin, from what you say, yes, absolutely, and you want to—if I were his parents, I would want to be monitoring. I'd be wanting to ask myself multiple questions. I'd be wanting to get him a medical check-up, and maybe a psych check-up. Of course, with a 16-year-old, he may go kicking and screaming, and then you have to deal with how do you motivate someone to get an eval?

But here are some of the things I would ask myself if I were his parent. If Seth were my son, I would ask, what happened six months ago? Why did my son suddenly change? You know, he was normal. What's going on here? Did something medical happen? Did he have a serious head injury, maybe in sports, or was he in a car accident? Is he possibly suffering some brain damage that we haven't dealt with, or is it just showing up now?

Another question I might ask is, did his friends suddenly change? Maybe he's hanging around with the wrong crowd, and, you know, his mind is not right. Maybe he's been experimenting with some sort of street drugs, maybe some hallucinogen or something else that's messing with his mind.

Another question I might ask is, has anything serious happened in the house? Maybe there's some serious trauma going on, and he's just really, really messed up about it. Maybe he suddenly lost a loved one. Maybe they died, and it wasn't a timely death, you know? A friend he might have lost early on, a girlfriend, or maybe a parent was deployed, and he's thinking Taliban thoughts or whatnot. Maybe he's watching too many movies—bad movies—that have to do with the Taliban or something, or too many video games that he's lost in, and he's just losing a connection.

But I want to know, is there anything really serious that's gone on that could be messing up his mind? And I also want to work with him directly. If I'm his mom or dad, I would want to sit down—not saying, "What the hell are you doing that for?"—I'd want to sit down and say, "Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills."

30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

If I'm his mom or dad, I would want to sit down—not saying, "What the hell are you doing that for?"—I'd want to sit down and say, "Tell me more, Seth. What's been going on?" Maybe he'd open up. Maybe even when he opens up, it would get even more bizarre, and then I'd want to get him to a doctor and have him have a medical check-up first because I don't want to be treating him for schizophrenia or anything else that involves psychosis if maybe he has a brain tumor. You always want to rule out the medical first.

So, is there something going on with his brain that I need to know about? And then if he gets a clean bill of health, I would want to have him have a psych eval. And if he does have the beginning stages of some sort of break with reality—a psychosis, or maybe some disorganized schizophrenia where you can laugh at, I don't know, you look at a flower, there's nothing funny about it, and you break into hysterics or something—you know, I would want to catch that early on because he would benefit from perhaps some drug treatment, some drug therapy, and also from some counseling, even cognitive therapy, but some sort of therapy to help him early on because he's only 16 years old.

Also, I've got to tell you, my kids—never once did I check their rooms. I never pried. They never gave me cause to, and I really like respecting the privacy of your own kids, provided they never give you cause to. If my child started to show alarming behavior like this, and it was getting worse, not better, paranoia tends to get worse, not better.

People grow a paranoia, you know? First, you think no one likes you, and then you think one friend doesn't like you, and then you think two friends don't like you, and then you think the whole world's against you. That's fast-forwarding a bit, but if my kid were acting odd, I would search his room.

I mean, we do that legally. You don't have a right to search and enter unless you have a search warrant, and you only get a search warrant in a civil society if there's reasonable cause that something very strange is going on—that's reason to search. And it's the same with your own kids; once they give you reason to search, I would search. I would see, is there any drug paraphernalia? Are there any clues to his odd behavior?

I might look at his computer history to see what's going on there because he's 16 years old. He's my kid. I love him. I want him to get better. I want to be a responsible parent.

Now, I know that you're not the parent. I know that you are the cousin. If his parents are open to it, you can speak with them and just share your own thoughts with them and see what they do. Maybe they would shed some light on it. Maybe they already know the problem, but as you said, they're just starting to get worried. So it sounds like that's not the case.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner, and just for a moment, think of someone that's very special in your life. You know, how many times do we just ignore the good people in our lives and we focus on that irritating friend, or the kid who's really acting up, and we ignore the good friend? We ignore the good kid. If you give yourself a moment periodically during a day to focus on people you value and you love, you're actually training your mind to not be a naysayer all the time, but to really cherish those people in your life that you value and not take that for granted and just focus on the negative.

For more, Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke: Being a cheapskate is unromantic because it implies that saving every last cent is more important than your partner's enjoyment. Then again, showing off your wealth is unromantic because it reveals insecurity.

Being generous simply means doing a bit more than is necessary or expected. If your partner admires an affordable art book or a nice piece of jewelry but doesn't buy it, consider it for a birthday, anniversary, or holiday gift. Giving small, thoughtful gifts at unexpected times is another way to show your love.

Don't give thoughtless and personal gifts; they're almost worse than no gift at all. You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.