The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish paths are romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com and @amazon.com.

Mary, yes, you have some difficulty with your son and your husband. Yes, yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, they are constantly at each other.

Give me a visual. What do you mean by how old? How old is your son? My son just turned 20.

Oh, is he living at home? No, he moved out, but they're still constantly at each other. Well, for instance, my husband said, you know, he just really disappointed him in a lot of different ways, and my son doesn't ever think he can please him, of course, and it's so it's causing really bad problems for me, because I'm in the middle, yeah, and I don't know, you know how to bring peace in the house. Because, can you change your husband? Well, no, no. Can you change your son? No, okay, so you can get out of the middle, though, because you feel like you're a cushion or a shock absorber, but you're getting all the shocks, right? So first, your son's 20 years old. What does he's a failure, in your husband's eyes, is that? What's going on? Yeah, what did your husband want your son to become? Well, you know, do better than what he's done, I suppose.

Okay, but give me some details. If I were your son, what? What would your that's a funny sound, right? There. Are you still there? Yes, yeah, okay, we'll try to ignore that. What would your son? Excuse me, what would your husband have wanted me to do with my life?

Well, instead of just having, I guess, an ordinary, everyday job to go on and further, stuff that could have a, you know, instead of a hard-working job, have a better job. Okay, what type of a better job? More money-making job, I suppose. Okay, so money is a focus. Is there anything in particular that would have just warmed your husband's heart if his son went into it? Oh, yeah. What mechanic work? Mechanic or farming, a farming and why? Why are those special for your husband?

That's just what he knows most.

Is he good at those? Yeah, okay, those. So those are his dream come true. Your husband's dream come true is to do something mechanical or with farming. What type of mechanics?

Well, my husband's a really good mechanic with autos and auto agent. Matter, if I didn't tear down anything, put it back together.

So when he thought of having a son, he might have envisioned a son following in his footsteps who just had a passion for figuring things out and taking apart car motors, putting them back together, becoming having his own farm, having a lot of equipment. So this is devastating to your husband, because the son, his son, chose otherwise, right, right, right. What did you want your son to become? Whatever he wanted to become interesting, isn't that? Yeah, which is why you're able to be. What's your relationship with your son? Really good. So you didn't set a specific goal for your son. You just said, pick what you like. Pick something you enjoy. What is your son doing? He's only 20 years old, which I consider young. Well, it, you know, he just, he's working as a he puts furniture and stuff together, basically, and delivers furniture, which makes a good living. And yeah, but he wanted to go into the military, and he didn't get to do that yet.

What branch in the military? Well, his brother was in the army, so he wanted to follow in his footsteps. And of course, my husband thought he didn't do that either. So I mean, it's just, oh, so he's a failure because he didn't go in the army, and he set that as a goal, and then he didn't do what your husband wanted. If your son, the 20-year-old, had, could choose any career that he would love, would like, what would it be?

I said it would have something to do with drafting, you know, or it would be aircraft of some sort, aircraft, okay, I didn't get your first word, draft. Oh, drafting. I thought you said wrapping, drafting, drafting, or airplanes, airports. If, if I were your son's counselor, I would say, Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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If, if I were your son's counselor, I would say you have you want to be true to yourself. Never betray yourself, as long as it's a rational goal. If you want drafting or working at an airport, if you get an opportunity, give it a shot. If it's hard to get an opportunity, then you can keep your, you know, your ears open or whatever, but you don't make it a source of self-esteem. If a kid does take a psychological risk to try to get a job and then doesn't succeed, you encourage them, and you just you're like being you're you're their best friend, rather than someone that says, Stop, you did it again. You become the critical parent, the nag so you can what did your husband's father if, if he was around when your husband was getting a career, what did he want your husband to become?

Well, I really don't know. Personally, I just know they didn't have a real good relationship.

Interesting, interesting. I wonder if this is a repeat of history where grandpa wanted dad to do something, and now dad's wanting son to do something. I'd say it is okay that so if he can see that what he's achieving, what your husband is absolutely achieving, is a rupture of his potentially wonderful relationship with his son, right? That's not good. My policy with kids, with kids who are growing up is that I introduce them to many different careers, and then I let them follow their own passions. What are they interested in? My son, at one point, was interested in skiing. Made me nervous, but I did stand back. My son was then interested in civil engineering, and he went through a series of things. Guess what he's interested in? Now I have no idea, ballroom dancing. Oh, fascinating.

And he is. He excels in it. So who would know that my son's career, his life, would go in that direction? What would your husband say if, if his son took up ballroom dancing?

Oh, believe me, he would flip complete failure, and we're in our glory because he's so happy. My I've never seen my son so happy. Yeah, so what you want to do it for your own life? You want to know that what you choose personally as mom to you want to choose something that makes you happy. Know that dad has a right to choose what he wants to do in life, but you're raising independent kids, kids that can follow their own direction, and when they're left free to do that with some guidance, but not pressured to have to do exactly what Dad wants, they make much better choices long range. So listen, I wish you some encouragement. I would try to get out of the middle, and I would be supportive of your son. You can be your son's best friend.

Well, that's when I try. Okay, thank you so very much for your call. Mary for more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy the book @amazon.com.