The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here's an email I got from Lanny:

Dear Dr. Kenner,

Every time I try to help my daughter make good decisions for herself or her kids, she rebels and does the opposite. For example, she dates abusive men and allows them to abuse her kids. Her husband would abuse them, and now her boyfriend abuses her son, punching him, saying, "Hey, I'm just trying to toughen him up." That's when I need to step in, although she doesn't like it. When I gave her the name of a reputable mechanic to take her car to, she went to several who ripped her off. She was receiving unemployment, and I tried to get her to find a job before unemployment ran out, but she didn't. It's the children who suffer. I was going to take on debt just to get her car fixed so she can take the kids to school. Then I thought, maybe I'm enabling her if I jump through hoops to get her car fixed. What should I do with her? Does she have a mental health problem? I am torn. I'm wondering if I should allow her to suffer the consequences of her mistakes.

Lanny.

Lanny, the first thing that leaps out at me has nothing to do with the car and a reputable mechanic or who should pay for it. It's the safety of the kids. If you see your own grandchildren being abused by her husband—her ex-husband now—or her boyfriend or even her, what can you do? You need to step in if you value those children at all and want to live with yourself, knowing that this is going on. You need to get professional help now. You can go to a counselor for yourself and get guidance. I'm assuming that you're going to have to call the agencies, the child protective agencies, but you can do that with the guidance of a therapist if that helps you. Or, if it's bad enough, if it's not just a few punches on the arm or something, you know, kids wrestle with one another; if that's all the boyfriend’s doing, it still doesn't justify it. But you know, you can get some professional advice from a counselor or therapist, so I definitely recommend that. That is top priority. Safety always, always comes first. And this is not even about your daughter. It's that she's putting her kids in danger. If she wants to date an abusive man, what are you going to do? But if she's subjecting her kids to abuse, you're in a different realm now. Those are innocent victims, and it is such an incredibly loving gesture for you to work towards helping them out and just bypass her. She is not the focus. It's the kids at this point.

Then, I will answer your second question though. You know you're trying to help her, and she rebels against you. My guess is that there's a history of power struggles between you two. If you do get professional help, you can look at how you interact with your daughter. Mothers and daughters are notorious for having difficulties. There's even a book written on that topic titled "You're Wearing That?" There's a psychologist who wrote it, and I think she actually does college courses about mothers and daughters. Imagine going to college and being able to talk about your mother and study the relationship between mothers and daughters.

And as for whether you should help her—should you take on debt to help her with her car so she can take the kids to school? I think you need to get the kids into safety first, and maybe, if you have the interest, ability, or willingness to take the kids if child protective services ask you, then you can drive them to school. Maybe you can take the kids to school. Sometimes just one warm person in a child's life, like a grandmother, can make such a difference. Even if they're in an abusive household, they always have that soft landing pad. It's like you're an oasis they can go to in a desert where there's no affection, and then there's you. So, I don’t know if you feel a duty to play that role in their lives. If you do love them and want that, then you can help them out.

I wonder if there's any history of abuse in her life and if it had to do with any of the men in your life. Maybe not; maybe she brought it all on herself, or maybe she was a victim of abuse early on, but she needs to process that. I would be supportive of yourself. You certainly don’t need to take on debt, but you can observe her pattern of decision-making. She makes one bad choice after another, so your advice only works against you and her. She needs professional help, but that doesn’t mean she'll get it. But you can get guidance.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

What you are looking for in a romantic soulmate is someone who will treasure you for what you value most in yourself, who has most of the qualities you cherish and enjoy daily, someone with whom you share fundamental values and who makes you feel visible. Your soulmate is a person you are strongly attracted to—intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. This is true not only at the level of your conscious judgment, though that is critically important, but also at the deepest level of your subconscious, as revealed by your emotional responses. You experience it as “This is the perfect partner for me,” but you will not necessarily experience these emotional responses—valid or not—after just one meeting.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.