The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

When you think of having kids, that's what you think of. You think of those joyous moments where your kids are having a great time with one another, or you think of the times when they're serious and they're learning some new skill, and their mind is completely absorbed in it. Or maybe they're acting, and they just love the drama of acting. You know, they play dress-up, and you're just seeing their developing mind unfold before you. But it doesn't just unfold. Parents have tremendous influence on their kids, and my children went to what is called a Montessori school. It's a method that approaches child-rearing by really focusing on your children—not catering to them, but helping them develop their mind and their interests.

With me today is a Montessori teacher. She's been a Montessori teacher for 10 years, has her master's in education, and has taken all her Montessori training to become a parenting coach. Her name is Cornelia Lockic, and she has a website, www.guideyourchild.com. Her specialty is with preschoolers and toddlers, but all of us can learn from that. Cornelia, you were a Montessori teacher, and now you have your own daughter.

"I do, right?"

"Yes, I do. And you offer three simple secrets, you call them, to managing kids that you basically learned from being a Montessori teacher."

Can you talk about one of those?

"Sure, the first one is advanced preparation. Now, I think most parents understand this principle on a certain level, but not nearly as broadly as they could. For example, they might know that they need to explain how Candy Land works before their three-year-old can play it, but parents don't usually recognize that this same approach, implemented in a way that's appropriate for a child's age and stage, can solve countless little issues that arise daily with young children."

What would be one of those?

"For example, if you prepare your child in advance on how to use markers, so that they don’t get marker on the wall, on the table, or on their clothes, and markers aren’t left open on the carpet. When she gets them out, you'll no longer have that sick feeling inside, wondering. Instead, you prepare her in advance. You show her in a simple way. You set up basically an activity that limits and defines what she can do with the markers."

"So this is how they use the marker, the cap goes back on afterward, and you demonstrate it, writing on the whiteboard or, if it’s paper, on the paper—not on the walls, just on the paper. And so you prepare her in advance."

"And all the way through the cleanup, the cleanup becomes part of your child's activity. It's not for you to do later. You’re not her servant. But you do it in a way that’s appropriate for her age and her stage."

"So instead of 'Will you clean this up?' and leaving everything out, or saying 'You're such a slob,'"

"Yeah, or fuming as you do it, right? 'Oh, I always have to do this. I can't stand it. The toys are everywhere.' Instead, I notice in Montessori schools, the kids will play with an activity on their little rug. They each have their own independent rug, and then they put it away nicely before they go to the next activity. Now that requires a teacher—or, in your case, you're using it as a parenting skill—to prepare your child in advance, that that's how things are done in a very loving way, not in a 'this is how things are done' way."

"Exactly."

"Yeah, it's also part of the puzzle, having the home environment where the rooms are organized in a way that's appropriate for young kids."

"So another one of your tips is 'nip problems in the bud.' Talk a little bit about that, because that's what we're talking about."

"Nipping problems in the bud is definitely a learned skill over time, and by making mistakes. You can start to see negative patterns that develop with your child, but that started from the smallest, seemingly most inconsequential actions. Nipping problems in the bud is, in a way, like developing a sort of a third eye for insidious beginnings."

"I've had parents that say, 'My kid always wants to sleep in my bed, and I can't get my daughter out of my bed.' How would you nip that problem in the bud?"

"Hey, I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

"Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw… Here it is, 'The Selfish Path to Romance,' a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, 'The Selfish Path to Romance,' that is interesting."

"I've had parents that say, 'My kid always wants to sleep in my bed, and I can't get my daughter out of my bed.' How would you nip that problem in the bud?"

"Well, let's just say it’s just starting. My daughter's got a cold—I think you had a situation like this—and she gets into bed with you, or you get into bed with her, and then she wants it every single night because it’s so warm and cozy. How do you nip it in the bud?"

"Yeah, it sure is. And you want to communicate. I think it’s very important to communicate a loving response, not one of abandonment or rejection. But you draw the line on certain things. Now, personally, I don’t take my child into bed with me. I go into her bed."

"Yeah, that's a big difference, I think."

"And then through repeated action, children will repeat until they are certain that you mean what you say, and you say what you mean. So if you break down…"

"I’ve had parents say, 'Oh my gosh, I've had 10 free days. My daughter has not been in bed with me, or my son has not been in bed with me,' and then they'll say, 'Oh, but they started up again.' And it’s really the parents saying, 'I just gave in. It was a rainy day, and he wasn’t feeling so good. So I said, Come on in bed, honey.' It’s really the parents not being consistent that creates the problem because then the kid knows that they can keep trying."

"Exactly."

"Yeah, children are something like, you know, somewhat gamblers. They'll still see if they can win this time, right?"

"So if you're consistent—if you consistently pull that lever and nothing comes out, they’re not going to keep pulling the lever. Whereas, if occasionally you get a big hit, they’re going to keep pulling that lever."

"Very good analogy. What about your tip of 'begin as you mean to go on'?"

"We’re down to the last minute or so."

"Well, 'beginning as you mean to go on' simply means to start off right. In order to do that, you have to have a sense of what 'right' is for you and your family. So I talk about having a vision of what you want at home and for your children and keeping that in mind so that you can be consistent and set the precedent."

"And can you give a quick example of 'begin as you mean to go on'?"

"Well, I think that many parents excuse certain behaviors of young children because of their age, often endorsing or encouraging negative behaviors. They may say, 'Oh, she’s only one. It’s okay, she’ll grow out of it. She throws food—that's normal.' But you need to have a long-term perspective."

"So you don’t want her throwing food from the beginning. You don’t want to giggle and laugh when she throws it across the floor."

"It’s not okay to throw at the table, but you give her opportunities for experimenting with throwing things appropriately, right?"

"And with me is Cornelia Lockic."

For more Dr. Kenner podcast episodes, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-renowned for his theories in goal setting.

"All emotions have causes, including love. Love, whether mistaken, genuine, or in the process of developing, is a response to subconscious estimates we make about the other person, estimates we can become aware of consciously by introspection. This gives us a wealth of information that can be used to make good decisions. It is critically important to know what you are responding to when you feel love for someone or have doubts about someone. Does analyzing our emotions take the mystery out of love and thereby ruin it? No, just the opposite."

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.