The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com

Gil. You're wondering how to deal with your wife who is a little heavy-handed with the kids?

Yeah, I searched online. And I don't know, it doesn't seem to… my impression is that it's a common thing, but I didn't see too much as far as online advice. And yeah, she seems to be just getting more authoritarian as time goes on.

Okay, how old are your kids?

They're seven and nine now.

And, boy and girl?

One younger boy and older girl.

Okay, and can you give me a snapshot? If I were to walk in and just see a quick clip, a video of what your wife is doing, what is she doing?

Well, there's a lot in her demeanor. That's a word that I've come to think about, and it just seems like a sort of an unkind demeanor, like she's just acting very put out all the time, no matter what, you know, over little things. So a snapshot would be like, Valentina, it’s time… so the kids are getting ready for school. She is nowhere to be seen. The kids are almost ready; they’ve got their clothes on, they've got their backpacks. She strolls into the room and says, "Valentina, time to brush your hair right now. Time to get ready to go." So, like, right off the bat, you know, this sort of demeanor. And then, Valentina says, "Okay," and she’ll start brushing her hair, and then stop. And then the wife, Rachel, will come over and say, "Let me just do a little more." She’ll, like, grab the brush and start doing more. And Valentina is like, "Stop, Mommy, stop," and, and it begins to get, you know, sort of nasty at that point, you know, like, she’s just insistent, like, "I’ve got to do this, I’ve got to do this." And she starts, you know, saying unkind things, such as, I would say, not swearing or name-calling, but just sort of this authoritative… how to say it… like, "If you would do this on your own, I wouldn’t have to do this from now on," you know, this kind of stuff. So very punitive, yeah.

Yeah, and then, finally, Valentina will say, "Why are you always so mean to me?"

Okay, so she’s got the courage to name it.

Yeah, and then Rachel will go, "I'm not being mean. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, this is the way it is." And then Valentina… so basically, it's like she's picking a fight with her, almost picking a fight with a… she’s not plugged in. She’s not tuned into the kid. She doesn’t seem to enjoy it. Something is irking her. And in order to solve the problem, obviously, Rachel should be the one calling in, but you're the one that has to deal with it. And it's horrible being on the sidelines and watching a loved one, a husband or a wife, pick on your kids. I mean, it’s bad enough having the in-laws or the grandparents there, who leave at the end of the day, and you go, "Oh my God, am I glad they’re out of my hair," but to have it be your own wife… you want to figure out what are the dynamics. So here’s what I'm hearing when you talk about Rachel’s demeanor, and that is, little things, and it seems like she’s not focused on the kids. You're telling me that they're already ready. So instead of her coming in and saying, "Oh, how great! You’ve got your backpacks on and let me give you a hug, and looks like your hair could use a little touch up. Would you like to do it, or would you like me to do it, honey?" you know, that’s giving your daughter a choice, right? Your nine-year-old a choice, and that’s a wonderful skill. I mean, I know you’re looking for skills, and I’ll give you a bunch in a minute, but instead, she barks orders, "It’s time to brush your hair." Well, there’s a lot behind her emotion when she says, "It’s time to brush your hair." I don’t know whether she’s saying, "I'm so sick and tired of doing this day in and day out. I'm tired of parenting," or if it’s a message to you, "You need to do more for me," or "I'm too overwhelmed." I don’t know what's going on that she's so stressed out, and she sounds like… in psychology, we call it the kick-the-dog displacement. You're upset about other things in your life, and you take it out on your kids.

Yeah, and, you know, we've talked… she does want me to step in and support her. She said that explicitly, "Okay, you know, can you come in here and help deal with this?" And then I'm suddenly in this position, okay? I think what's going on is wrong. So it's this constant balancing act of either not taking sides or taking both sides, but it's… I just refuse to take one side over the other.

You need to be true to yourself. And if what you’re noticing is very hard on your daughter… I mean, if I had a mother that was doing this, it’s like nothing is ever good enough. And if I attempt to take an action to brush my own hair, Mom jumps in and says, "It's not good enough. I’ve got to do this." And then she comes in with the guilt trip, "Well, if you did it better on your own, then I wouldn’t have to do it." And, oh my God, it’s meanness. I mean, your daughter’s right, "Mom, you're always so mean." Now, she may not always be mean, and your daughter needs to remember the warm times, but man, it’s like you've got a fire in your living room, and you've got to put it out. And both of you need to be on the same page, because if one parent is authoritarian and the other is more laid back, you're going to have wars between the two of you that are going to escalate problems with your kids. What I recommend…

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

What I recommend is the book that saved me. I probably would have been an overbearing parent myself, and it does stem back to your childhood. I mean, I would ask her, what was her mom like to her? "Oh, they were a thorn." Oh, so she may hear her mother’s voice coming out of her mouth, and that might be a way to reach her instead of beating her over the head, which you're not planning. You sound like you're too nice to do that, but it's more like, "You know, I wonder if you sometimes hear your mom’s words coming out of your own mouth, and that must be a little icky," or "That must not feel so good." There's a book that we could both read and maybe pick up some skills and have fun learning together on how to… how to make it so your Valentina says, "Mom, it’s so nice that you’re nice. I feel close to you," you know, to build that sort of a relationship. So the book… it’s How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can go on my website, DrKenner.com. I've got it. I’ve written up something on that book. It’s a phenomenal book. It saved me. They've written a series of books. If you've got siblings, it's got Siblings Without Rivalry. They've written a book, Siblings Without Rivalry, How to Talk So Kids Will Learn, How to Talk So Teens Will Listen. The kids aren't quite teens yet, but in terms of some skills, active listening is very important, and being focused when you're with your kids. You know, where are they at? Not just, "Oh, you're so stressed and the kids are just one more thing on your to-do list," but really being focused on the kids and trying to understand where they're coming from and listening to them. That doesn’t mean that you're a pushover, that you do everything they say. There are wonderful interventions in this book when the kids get out of hand, when they yell at you or scream at you or hit their sibling. There are wonderful, wonderful skills in that book, so that should help out a tremendous amount. Gil, I know it was a lifesaver for me. And there also could be marital issues too, you know, tension between the two of you that just gets taken out on the kids, and that’s important to focus on too. So listen, I thank you so much for your call.

All right, great. And I wish you some real warm moments with the kids. And I thank you from your kids for calling in and from your wife. Thank you so much.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Money conflicts can still occur, even if time and self-esteem problems are absent. Partners can legitimately differ in their priorities. Communication and joint decision-making are essential here. Listen carefully to your partner’s priorities and determine the reasons for them. What does the desired object mean to your partner? Money problems also occur due to setbacks such as job loss, illness, unwise investments, or bad economic times. They can be painful and difficult to overcome, but the key is to agree on a recovery plan. If conflicts still remain after your discussions, compromise may be appropriate. Be creative and work out a fair solution that will make you both happy. Both partners must be totally honorable in holding to agreements.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy it at amazon.com.