The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

Would you like some cake?
I'm not supposed to.
Don't worry so much about "not supposed to." Live a little.

And that's from the movie Chocolat, a fabulous movie. Think about your own childhood. Were there times you had a mother or a father, or maybe a grandmother, who just tried to put you in a straitjacket? It was like the straitjacket view of life—you couldn’t breathe. You always had to watch, "Am I sitting properly? Am I chewing properly? Am I eating properly?" Well, how do you parent? How do you avoid the mistake of putting your kids in a straitjacket, yet also avoid the opposite mistake of being too hands-off, letting your kids do whatever they want and becoming relatively indifferent as a parent?

With me today is Cornelia Lockitch. She has her master’s in education and has been a Montessori teacher for ten years. Her specialty is with preschoolers and toddlers. Listen up because the principles she talks about with preschoolers or toddlers can be applied to older kids—and even, perhaps, to your spouse and other people in your life. So, how do you end up enjoying parenting, rather than regretting that you ever had kids? That’s our topic. And welcome, Cornelia.

Hi, Ellen. Thank you so much for having me.
Thank you for being on the show. Talk a little bit about the Montessori method; that’s your training.
Yes, it is Montessori. And we often describe the method as an "aid to life." Dr. Montessori identified that within every child is the adult they will become. Childhood is that period when the new adult is being created. Our goal as teachers and parents is to help that unfolding process to the utmost—or, in Montessori language, to help the child reach their fullest potential. This means helping them discover their strongest values, their favorite subjects, encouraging them where they feel weakest, and generally helping them to be the best they can be.

I wish I had a Montessori education. It seems to build confidence because they’re learning to make their own choices. It sounds like you’re not telling them what they should do or what they should value in life, like, "You have to go to soccer because I love soccer, I was in soccer, so you have to go to soccer." Instead, it’s more, "What do you enjoy?" You introduce them to different hobbies, and then you let them choose.

That’s exactly how Dr. Montessori designed her multi-age classrooms. There are specially designed materials that guide children in basic areas of study—language development, math, geography, music, sensorial education, etc. The children have freedom of choice and movement within the classroom to choose from their repertoire of activities they’ve been shown.

They learn incredibly fast. I remember with my own kids, they went to a Montessori school and learned to read at a young age. Then, my son had to switch from Montessori to another school, and one of his new preschool teachers said, "Oh no, you should never have taught him to read before certain teeth came in!" She was teaching him fairy tales and talking about fairies, but Montessori kids can learn so well. You’re now a parenting coach, and you have a website with three simple child management secrets that Montessori teachers know—secrets no parent should be without. Your website is www.guideyourchild.com. Cornelia, what are one or two ways you’ve benefited from the Montessori method with your own daughter?

In many ways, it surprised me, as a new mom, how much my Montessori background guided me. Even when my daughter was an infant, my Montessori training helped me understand her better. For example, Dr. Montessori identified "sensitive periods" in a child’s life. These are times when a child focuses intensely on certain skills, almost to the exclusion of others. For instance, my daughter started waking up seven times a night because she learned to stand up in her crib. It wasn’t less tiring to deal with, but it was easier to understand, and I even found it admirable because I saw her determination and her drive to grow and expand her world.

Rather than thinking, "I can’t believe she’s up again, she’s driving me crazy. I don’t know why I ever had kids. I need to discipline her!"—you see it differently. You see it as, "She’s learning to stand and practicing. She’s so energized!" It’s still tiring, but you see it in a new light. So hopefully you and your husband take turns going in to check on her.
Oh yes, you always need help.
Tell me, why can’t you just rely on gut feelings as a parent?

Relying solely on gut feelings leaves you without strategies to help during times of frustration and to help you read your child. Young kids, especially before they’re verbal, can be very hard to understand, and it’s easy to misinterpret their behavior, leading to avoidable conflicts.

I’ve heard parents say, "My toddler is just like my ex—awful." How can a toddler be like your ex? They’re developing their own mind; they don’t even know about your values or hobbies. It’s like saying, "My son is turning out just like my father." But he’s only one year old!
Exactly. Or they’ll say, "He never listens to me!" when he’s bringing things in the house he’s not supposed to. Instead of reacting with frustration, I guide parents to stop, observe, and assess. Maybe he’s showing you something he found or collecting items for some reason.

It’s about tuning into your child. We’re down to the last minute, but I want to emphasize that parenting is a learned skill. With the wrong teacher, you learn the wrong methods. Cornelia Lockitch is a wonderful teacher and parenting coach. You can reach her at www.guideyourchild.com. She offers a free special report with wonderful tips and has a newsletter, right?
Yes, it comes out every two weeks, and it’s a great way to learn more about my "Guide Your Child" parenting method.
Whether you’re a grandparent or a parent, definitely check out www.guideyourchild.com. Thank you for joining us today, Cornelia.
Thank you, Ellen.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

"White lies are usually told to protect the listener from bad news or pain. But if you tell white lies to your partner, it implies they are incapable of facing reality—a degrading view of your partner. It’s a serious problem if they do not want to face facts. This doesn’t mean you should be tactless and say things that are gratuitously hurtful, like, 'That was a stupid question.' In such situations, saying nothing is often appropriate, unless silence implies agreement with something important. For example, if your spouse asks, 'Am I too fat?' you can actively listen by reflecting their concern: 'You’re worried about your weight,' inviting them to elaborate."

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.