The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

And when you think of having kids, that's what you think of. You think of those joyous moments where your kids are having a great time with one another, or you think of the times when they're serious and they're learning some new skill and their mind is completely absorbed in it. Or maybe they're acting, and they just love the drama of acting. You know, they play dress-up, and you're just seeing their developing mind unfold before you, but it doesn't just unfold. Parents have tremendous influence on their kids, and my children went to what is called a Montessori school, and it's a method that approaches child-rearing as really focusing on your children, not catering to them, but helping them develop their mind and their interests. And with me today is a Montessori teacher. She's been a Montessori teacher for 10 years. She has her master's in education, and she has taken all of her Montessori training and is now a parenting coach. And her name is Cornelia Lockic, and she has a website, www.guideyourchild.com, and her specialty is with preschoolers and toddlers, but all of us can learn from that. And Cornelia, you were a Montessori teacher, and now you have your own daughter.

I do. Right? Yes, I do. And you offer three simple secrets, you call them, to managing kids that you basically learned from being a Montessori teacher.

Can you talk about one of those?

Sure, the first one is to use advanced preparation. Now I think most parents understand this principle of advanced preparation on a certain level, but not nearly as broadly as they could. For example, they might know that they need to explain how Candy Land works before their three-year-old can play it, but parents don't usually recognize that the same approach can be implemented in a way that's appropriate for a child's age and stage. They don't usually understand how this can solve countless little issues that arise daily with young children.

What would be one of those?

Well, for example, if you prepare your child in advance for how to use markers so that you know you don't get marker on the wall, on the table, on their clothes, and markers aren't left open on the carpet, when she gets them out, you'll no longer have that thick feeling inside, wondering, right? Instead, you prepare her in advance. You show her in a simple way. You set up basically an activity that limits and defines what she can do with the markers.

So this is how they use Tony: The cap goes back on afterwards, and you demonstrate it, and you write on the whiteboard, not on the, or, if it's paper, on the paper, you know, not on the walls, just on the paper. And so you prepare her in advance, and all the way through the cleanup, the cleanup becomes part of your child's activity. It's not for you to do later. You're not her servant, but you do it in a way that's appropriate for her age and her state. So instead of saying, "Will you clean the stuff up? You leave everything out. You're such a slob," yeah, or fuming as you do it, right?

Oh, I always have to do this. I can't stand it. The toys are everywhere. Instead, I notice in the Montessori schools, the kids will play with an activity on their little rug. They each have their own independent rug, and then they put it away nicely before they go to the next activity. Now that requires a teacher, or, in your case, if you're using it as a parenting skill, to prepare your child in advance. That's how things are done in a very loving way, not in a "this is how things are done" way.

Exactly. Yeah, it's also a part of that puzzle of having the home environment organized. Those have to be thought through in a certain way that's appropriate for young kids.

So another one of your tips is to nip problems in the bud.

Yeah, and that talk a little bit about that because that's what we're talking about.

Well, nipping problems in the bud is definitely something of a learned skill.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Well, nipping problems in the bud is definitely something of a learned skill over time, and by making mistakes, you can start to see negative patterns that develop with your child, but that started from the smallest, seemingly most inconsequential actions. Nipping problems in the bud is a way of developing a sort of a third eye, so insidious at the beginning.

So I've had parents that have said, "My kid always wants to sleep in my bed, and I can't get my daughter out of my bed." And that would be one where, how would you nip the problem in the bud?

Well, you'd have before, let's just say it's just starting. My daughter's got a cold. I think you had a situation like this, and your daughter gets into bed with you, or you get into bed with her, then she wants it every single night because it's so warm and cozy. How do you nip it in the bud?

Yeah, it sure is. And you want to communicate, I think it's very important to communicate a loving response, not one that is abandonment or rejection, but that you draw the line on certain things. Now, personally, I don't take my child into bed with me; I go into her bed.

Yeah, that's a big difference, I think. And then from that, it's just through repeated action, children will repeat until they are certain that you mean what you say and you say what you mean.

So if you break down, I've had parents say, "Oh my gosh, I've had 10 free days. My daughter has not been in bed with me, or my son has not been in bed with me," and then they'll say, "Oh, but they started up again."

Yeah. And it's really the parents needing to be consistent. And I just gave in. You know, it was a rainy day outside, and anyway, he wasn't feeling so good, so I said, "Come on in bed, honey." And it's really the parents not being consistent that creates the problem because then the kid knows that they can keep trying.

Exactly. Yes, children are something like, you know, somewhat gamblers. They'll still see, can they win this time?

Right, right? So if you're consistent, if you consistently pull that lever and nothing comes out—neither of us are gamblers, but do nothing comes out—then they're not going to keep pulling the lever. Whereas if occasionally you get a big hit, they're going to keep pulling that lever.

Very good analogy. What about your tip of "begin as you mean to go on?"

I know we're down to the last minute or so.

Well, beginning as you mean to go on really simply means to start off right. And in order to do that, you have to have a sense of what right is for you and your family. So I talk about having a vision of what you want at home and for your children and keeping that in mind so that you can be consistent and set the process to do some pre-thinking.

And can you give a quick example of "begin as you mean to go on?"

Well, I think that many parents excuse behavior of young children because of their age, and then they often end up endorsing or encouraging negative behaviors that at first seem fine. "Oh, she's only one. It's okay. She'll grow out of it." She throws food; that's normal. And then it... Yeah, but you, I think you have to have a long-term perspective.

So you don't want her throwing food from the beginning. You don't want to giggle and laugh when she throws it across the floor.

It's not okay to throw at the table, but you give her opportunities for experimenting with throwing things—exactly, something, right?

And with me is Cornelia Lockic, and you have a website, www.guideyourchild.com. You are a parenting coach. I welcome you to visit that website, guideyourchild.com, and thank you so much for joining us today, Cornelia.

Thank you!

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Some benefits of open communication on difficult topics, such as thoughts of flirting or cheating, are that it diffuses the secretiveness and forbidden fruit aspect of the contemplated affair, which often decreases its appeal. You are no longer Romeo secretly meeting Juliet at the gym, trying to hide it from your wife. Your wife now knows you are allowing yourself to face all the facts without evasion. You will be motivated to look at the situation with more scrutiny and deal with the wider consequences of the attraction—a possible divorce. You can make choices such as changing what gym you go to or what time you go so that you don't continue to tempt yourself.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.