The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

The Lord didn't make the sun until the fourth day. That is correct, that first day. Well, what do you think it was? 24 hours long? The Bible says it was a day. Well, it was no sun. How do you know how long it was? The Bible says it was a day. What was it? A normal day, literal days, a 24-hour day. I don't know. What do you think? I do not think about things I do not think about.

And that's from Inherit the Wind. You know, when you're talking with somebody and they should be setting goals and thinking clearly—maybe it's a parent who is not parenting well—and they just think to themselves, "Well, I don't know how to do it. This is just the way I do it, and that's it." It's like they're saying, "I do not think about what I do not want to think about." And that's exactly the policy you do not want in your life. You want to be able to set wonderful thinking goals. With me today is an expert in thinking, Jean Moroney. She has corporate clients like BB&T, Microsoft, and Amazon.com. She’s got three degrees, two master's degrees, one in Electrical Engineering from MIT and one in Psychology from Carnegie Mellon. She also has specialized training in rational philosophy, Objectivism—Ayn Rand's philosophy. You put that all together with Jean's passion for thinking, and that's exactly the topic we're going to talk about now. Welcome to the show, Jean.

Thanks for having me, Ellen.

Jean, you talk about setting thinking goals. People often go by the seat of their pants and don't know to set a thinking goal, whether in a career or parenting. For example, they might say, "I don't know how to parent, but I'll just go by the seat of my pants. I won’t do this because my mom did it and I didn't like it, so I pick and choose here and there, but I don't really have any thinking goal." What would you recommend?

Well, I think in cases like the ones you've been discussing, even just having regular goals would be helpful. In parenting, if you don't have the goal of being a respectful parent or nurturing the development of the child, nothing else follows from that. But if you do have these goals, thinking is your means of figuring out what to do. Thinking goals come up because there are specific questions you need to answer to achieve your goal.

When I think of parenting, I think I’ll play the role with you. I want to be a good mother. Of course, I'm motivated. I want to be a nurturing mother. But, you know, he's always underfoot; my son just drives me buggy. I think he might have ADHD. I do what I can, but occasionally I yell at him or just need space, so I take off for a while. How would I apply a thinking goal to that?

Let me suggest a slightly different thinking aspect, which is monitoring. If you have a goal, one of the most important things you need to do is monitor your progress toward that goal. And that's something that doesn't happen automatically. That quote from Inherit the Wind—"I do not think about what I do not think about"—is true in this respect. It takes a deliberate choice to stop and ask, "How am I doing? How am I doing on the parenting? What's going well, and what's not?" Those questions don't ask themselves. So I think the first kind of thinking skill people need in this regard is...

I have to interrupt because we’ve got to pay some bills. Just a very quick ad, and then Jean will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

The first thinking skill people need is realizing they need to consciously stop and reflect on how things are going. This gives you an opportunity to figure out what you need to think about.

So with parenting, if I sat down, I might say, "I don’t know how to discipline, or I don’t know how to listen to my child. I tune out; he tells me all these things, and it goes on and on." Maybe I need listening skills with kids. I might need skills to say something like, "Honey, let’s spend the next 15 minutes together because I can handle 15 minutes, but I can’t handle a half-hour. After that, I’ll work on a project, but let's spend 15 minutes together and tell me about your day."

Now that’s interesting, Ellen, because you’ve applied a thinking technique in your solution to that problem. Let’s draw that out. Discipline and dealing with children are very complex. It's not the kind of thing with a simple answer. You can't go to a one-hour or even an all-day workshop and come out with all the skills to maintain discipline with kids. I assume you'd agree?

Yes, absolutely. It’s like trying to learn to dance in one lesson. You can’t do it. Parenting is much more complex.

There are so many interrelated parts, and part of the thinking problem here is that you need to think about all those parts at once. But when you first start, you can’t; it’s too much. It’s completely overwhelming. So one thing you need in these situations is a way to scale down the goal. If you had the goal of having a perfectly behaved child and a perfectly warm relationship at all times, doing that in one step is probably too hard. But maybe you can scale down. You suggested small, manageable things to add to the parenting routine that would make a difference.

So I said, "What is one of the problems you’re having with your son?" Say it’s that he talks endlessly, and I can’t listen. He can tell I'm not listening, so he pressures me to listen more. If I made it clear and actionable, like setting aside 15 minutes after school to listen, he’d have my full attention, and then maybe he’d be willing to go play or do something else.

Right, and that may not be a full solution, but it’s a small, clear first step that contributes to solving the problem.

And it’s simple—something I can implement, that I can build on later.

And it gives you confidence. If you have a 15-minute solution with your son—or it could even be a spouse—you can listen for 15 minutes, and then you go do other things. I want to thank you for joining us today. With me today has been Jean Moroney. She's an expert on thinking skills, and her website is...

Sure, it’s ThinkingDirections.com. That's "Thinking" plus "Directions," all one word. I offer courses on thinking tactics, like how to break down a complex problem into manageable steps. I have a free email newsletter, where I preview classes, articles, book recommendations, and tips.

There’s a wealth of information on your website, ThinkingDirections.com. I look forward to talking with you again sometime, Jean.

Thanks for having me, Ellen.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Romantic partners need to communicate constantly, but most do not. Why isn’t communication a conscious priority? Many feel that being in a settled relationship means they don’t need to talk as much about feelings. They focus on everyday practical matters, but expressions of tenderness, concern, and interest go untended. They go on automatic and don’t talk unless their subconscious feeds them something. Because they are in love, partners need to communicate to maintain and deepen that love.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.com.