The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. Miss Annie, your first month's salary doesn't pay our debt for what you've done.

I taught her one thing: no, don't do this. Don't do that. It's more than all of us could do, and I want to teach her what language is. I know without it, to do nothing but obey is no gift. Obedience without understanding is a blindness, too. The world is not an easy place for anyone. I don't want her just to obey; I want to let her have a way. And everything is a lie to her.

Obedience without understanding is blindness, too, and letting your kids have their way with everything is harmful to your children, and to you, and to your relationship with your children. And I'm going to quote my upcoming guest: too many parents wait for their home life to be in crisis before they start to take action. And that's the hard way of doing it. My guest that the movie dropped was from "The Miracle Worker," the Helen Keller story. My guest is Cornelia Lockett, and you have your master's in education, Cornelia, and you've been a Montessori teacher for 10 years, and you now are a parenting coach. Tell me a little bit about the Montessori method.

Hi, Ellen. Thank you for having me. Let's see, the Montessori method is often described as an aid to life, and what that means is that the goal of teachers and parents, too, is to help children unfold to their fullest potential because childhood is the time when the adult that they are going to become is being created. So we want to help children to discover their strongest values, their favorite subjects, so that they can make good choices and that we can be there to encourage them in the ways that they feel weakest. Generally, we want to help them be the best that they can be. Now, how do Montessori and do this, and how can parents do this? Well, in schools, in Montessori schools, this is obviously a big topic, but briefly, I can say that Dr. Montessori observed children at different age levels closely, and based on her experiments and her discoveries, she designed multi-age classrooms and specially designed materials to guide them through the essential academic areas of study. And like I said, the Montessori approach is an aid to life.

So you're not necessarily looking to say, "Everyone go out and get the Montessori books." You're saying that you now use the Montessori method in your own parenting.

Yeah, yes. I'm definitely not advocating that parents go out and buy the specially designed Montessori educational materials, although it's very good, and I used it, and for people who want to homeschool their young children, that's a different topic. What I'm talking about is using the unique perspective that Montessori discovered of slowing down, putting aside your preconceptions, and observing your child to see what he or she at his particular stage of development is really about. That perspective can really help you to interpret properly your child's actions, and that leads to fewer conflicts and a more joyful experience with your child.

So if I am a parent and I've got a little preschooler, or let's say I've got two of them, and I'm privately saying, "Why did I ever want kids? I said I wanted them so badly. Now I'm tearing my hair out. Was I out of my mind?" My son's running around. He's fighting with me. My daughter's arguing with me. They're both embarrassing me in public, and these two little kids are making me feel like I'm out of control of my life, like I'm helpless. What would you—if I just throw up my hands and say, "I give up, I don't know what to do," how could you motivate me to even want to change my perspective?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting. How could you motivate me to even want to change my perspective?

That's a really tough situation. I think I would start by trying to bring you back to why you were motivated to have children in the first place, because they were a lot of fun. Did you picture the pride you would feel at your son's first baseball game, or your daughter's school play, or reading with your child, or sharing your love of this all the time? And then I would try to show that those times of serenity, calm, and pure joy really are possible, but you've got some work to do before you're going to get there. Having gone into parenting without any skills, you're going to have to do some backtracking. From your description, I would say that the talking back and the arguing is something to tackle first and let certain other things go. You've got to get into the driver's seat and guide your children toward acceptable behavior, and that takes doing one thing at a time and sticking with it until you've seen some change.

So give me an example of that.

Well, for example, you would need to communicate to your young children that arguing with you is no way to talk to you. You will not respond to it; they will not get to you that way, and they will have to come up with a different approach in order to get it.

But then my daughter will just start screaming if I do that.

Well, then what you're going to do is you're going to walk away, or you're going to—if it's in the car or someplace you can't walk away from, you're going to become mentally absent. You're not going to give more attention for that negative behavior. You're going to show with your body language, your facial expression, and your actions that you are absolutely not available when she yells or screams or argues with you. And then, in addition to that—now this is the key—is that when they speak politely or in a regular voice, you're going to let them both know, with all your love and all your attention, how wonderful it is for you to hear their sweet words. You're going to get down to their level. You're going to put your arms around them and say, "I love talking to you when you speak in such a friendly way. Your voice is so kind and so polite. What a pleasure." You're going to give lots of attention and reinforce that positive behavior when you see it, and when you get the old stuff—the negative stuff, the stuff you can't live with anymore—you're going to turn off, basically.

So you catch your child—or both children—doing something right? That's a key parenting skill, where you catch them in the behavior that you want to encourage, and you help them see that potential within themselves of resolving conflicts.

Well, when they do that, and you ignore when they do things like having a tantrum or screaming in the car, you become emotionally unavailable. Or if you're not in the car, you tell them, "Think of another way to address me," but you also have to help them know how to address you. What I would prefer to hear is, "Mommy, I'm really angry. It's not fair that you gave Susie more cake than me," right?

But if they're in a tantrum, they're probably not going to be open to hearing that.

So you've got to do it after that emotional moment has passed and their mind is open to hearing an alternative for more Dr. Kenner podcasts. Go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner. Asking your partner to sacrifice their rational values destroys relationships. Consider this example from an advice column: a recently remarried man stated that he wanted to take a trip with his 12-year-old daughter from his first marriage in order to bond with her before she became a teenager enmeshed in school and relationships. His wife adamantly opposed the idea, even though she didn't object to his taking an equally long vacation with his fishing buddies. Her objection to his vacationing with his daughter was based on jealousy and insecurity, which she allowed to undermine an important value of her husband's. If she truly loved him, she would not only permit but also encourage him to take the trip because it was important to him. This would have strengthened their relationship.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.