The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com, and amazon.com

Kate, you quit smoking and it's affecting your parenting.

That's right. Hi, hi.

I found that while the quitting process was not particularly difficult for me, even months after I was no longer smoking, I discovered that I was no longer able to…well, I’m a non-yelling parent, and never yell at my kids. I found that I started losing my temper, and I didn’t put it together right away, and basically went back to smoke a while to confirm this—I mean, just to see if it works,

okay, so

and the problem goes away. So currently I’m not smoking, but I am using an alternative nicotine delivery system.

So first, great, and it’s working great. And you're not, you're not losing your temper with the kids, or you still are?

No, I'm not.

You're not. So things are going better for you?

Things are going better, but I…I'm still…that's my current solution in the space, but I don't feel like that's the answer.

Okay, what would you like to be the answer?

Um, figure out why. What it is very uncomfortable for me to have a drug that determines how, whether or not I'm able to parent, according to, you know, with my principles, and it’s…it feels…

It’s very disconcerting.

Okay, so here’s what I’m hearing you say: that you…you have how many kids, Kate?

Two kids.

Yeah. How old? How old are they?

Two and four.

Two and four. Okay, so you don’t want to be yelling at them, yeah, and, and you don’t want to experience yourself as a mom who’s losing control and yelling at them, nagging at them. Okay, so I have a few things to say. Number one, when you're talking about the connection between smoking and yelling at your kids, you can look at it—you can say that, okay, there's some link there in terms of the fact that I psychologically relax myself when I get tense. You might use smoking as stress management, which a lot of people do, and it just kind of gives you a little boost, and you…it might shift your focus a bit, and it's like giving yourself a little gift, and then you can manage the kids a little better. But nicotine itself, or the smoke itself, is not the cause of losing your temper with the kids, which is actually good news for you. Hey, I

gotta interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and we'll be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Nicotine itself, or the smoke itself, is not the cause of losing your temper with the kids, which is actually good news for you, because I think you're even aware that the smoking—you can go off smoking a little bit, you can go back on it again, to kind of run a quasi-scientific experiment. But that’s not—if you were a scientist, that wouldn’t constitute enough evidence. And I'll tell you that if I was a parent, I would have been a lousy parent. I had two younger sisters growing up, and I was the parentified kid who would yell at my sisters, "Clean your room. Do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that." I was the enemy to my two younger sisters. Can you feel that, that you know what I’m talking about?

Yes, I do.

And so when I got married and I was about to launch my own family and have kids, it was, "Oh my God, I don't want to make these mistakes again. What is it I'm doing wrong?" Had I been smoking and quit smoking, I might have said, "Oh, well, maybe it's because…like, maybe…" Well, that wouldn’t work. But let’s say that I…have my own kids and I’m smoking, and then I quit, and then I find myself yelling at them. Well, it’s stressful to try to change a long-standing habit. How long did you smoke?

How long did you smoke?

On the order of 10 years. But on and off—I quit every time I was pregnant, and it kind of started under, under kind of more stressful circumstances. My husband smoked, so it’s kind of been an on and off.

Okay? So it's very hard to change a pattern. So you’ve got two different projects that you're working on. One is to get better parenting skills for your very, very young ones, and then when you have the skills—that’s your stress management—you will be able to, instead of having to play that role of the enemy: "Don’t spit your food out, sit at the table, sit still. You've got to go to bed now, you have to brush your teeth." Can you feel that enemy status that a parent plays?

No, that’s…that’s very much…

That’s not the problem?

I don't get mad at the kids.

Oh, how…do you…temp—when do you lose your temper with them?

What happens is, I lose my temper. Sometimes a conflict, a specific thing begins to escalate. I’m already tired and, you know, whining starts, okay, I deal with that. Well, the next thing starts, I deal with that. Well, the third thing starts. I find, you know, eventually what happens is, I actually lose control.

So, okay, when you lose control, do you hit them? You just yell at them?

I…yeah, I don't hit.

Okay.

And I…but—

Not okay with me. It is beyond—no.

I mean, okay, you don’t like experiencing yourself…

Now it’s…

It's what…it’s not? All right, okay.

Let me read you the contents of a book, the book that I think is the gold standard for parenting, especially at the age that your kids are at, and it’s called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. And the Table of Contents talks about, number one, helping children deal with their feelings. Well, guess what? When it teaches children how to deal with their feelings, guess who else it’s teaching how to deal with their failings? Parents. The second is engaging your kids’ cooperation. So two- and four-year-olds—you want to have more, more tools, more skills under your belt to help you manage the difficult times with the kids. And this book is chock-full of wonderful examples, alternatives to punishment. What do you do as a parent, instead of saying, "Wait till your father comes home" or "I'm going to take away this toy," which always backfired. You know that type of thing backfires—they just get more rebellious.

I'm a huge fan of positive discipline.

You’re what?

A huge fan of positive discipline.

Oh, good.

And actually, my favorite book is Siblings Without Rivalry.

Okay, so…it’s the same authors, right? So phenomenal! Read all of their books—they’re fabulous, and that will help you. In terms of the smoking—it…congratulations on wanting to quit. That’s wonderful motivation. There’s a book on my website, Changing for Good, that talks about how you can change in stages. Thank you so much for your call, Kate.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

No, really, I've never had a serious boyfriend. I suppose I like my gents more…on the manly side.

Was that a little swan you made?

No, it was a B-52, and that’s from Frasier, and that’s Niles and Daphne. I'm sure you recognize their voices, and you know how you’re trying to impress someone if you’re dating them for the first time, or you want them to like you so much. Maybe you're trying to impress a new boyfriend or a girlfriend, or maybe it's a boss you're trying to impress. And you just act out of character. You try to present yourself as someone you think they want, not as who you are. What happens then? What happens if the girlfriend really likes you and then later discovers you’re not who you said you were? And if she doesn’t discover it right away, you have to live a double life, pretending that you're a macho man, as in the case of Niles, and it’s not good for you. It’s always good to make reality your ally. Know who you are, present who you are, and just value yourself. If there are things you want to improve, go ahead and improve them. That’s what the show is all about—improving yourself so that you are happy and happier in life, whether it's learning new skills or thinking…thinking about things a tad differently.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

What if your partner or spouse is constantly pursuing important values with your encouragement, but none of the choices include you? For example, you're a chronic golf widow or a girls' night out widower, or you’re ignored in favor of your partner’s career. If this happens, you need to ask your partner, "How important am I to you? Am I a top value, or way down on your list?" If it turns out that you’re not a top value, then is this the right partner for you? The ultimate proof of how important you are to your partner is how your partner acts toward you on a daily basis, not just what words are expressed. With a loving partner, there will be many loving words as well as consistency between word and deed.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.