The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

Jen, your son and his girlfriend need some help.

Yes, they do.

Yeah, what?s going on?

Well, they?ve had some domestic issues going on between them. And I mean, it just seems like it?s escalating a lot worse than that. And she?well, see, her parents were both drug addicts, so she is just really strongly against drugs. But my son, I?m sorry, kind of experiments with OxyContin and pain pills and things like that. And she just, whether or not he?s doing them or not, she always thinks that he is. And then she?s always thinking that he?s messing around with girls at work. She just really has trust issues.

Right. Big trust issues.

And then it?s like every day, because she says she can?t control herself, and she says that every day she?s questioning him whether or not he?s doing anything wrong. She?s always drilling him. And then she gets so bad that she goes beyond his limit, and then it ends up in a punching match.

Okay. Who punches whom?

Well, basically they kind of punch each other.

Okay. Who pushes? Who does the first punch?

She. Well, I mean, I saw a fight between them the other day where she was the one that was hitting him.

Okay, she initiated it. Okay. So you can see that the violence will escalate. You can start with verbal attacks, and then it gets worse and worse. But here?s the big question I have for you as the mom: how are you involved in this? Are they living with you?

No, they?re not.

Okay, but you were a witness to one.

Yeah.

How can I help you as a mom? What help are you looking for?

Well, basically, I?ve been trying to find someplace where they can both go and hopefully get some free counseling, because they don?t have insurance right now, and just go from there. Basically, because like I said, my concern is they have three young children.

You know, of course they?re crying and carrying on when all this?

Yeah. This is beyond?let me jump in here. If they did not have three young children?are they the children they?ve had together?

The first one?s not, but the other two are.

So they have two together, and one from the girlfriend?

The girlfriend.

And your son is how old?

He?s 27.

She?s how old, ballpark?

Twenty-four.

Okay, so they?re in their 20s. What I?m hearing is alarming for the children?s sake. I mean, it?s alarming for them too. They?re adults, and they can seek the help. But for the children, it really bothers me. And if I?m grandma looking on at my three grandkids, I am at wits? end. What do I do? On one hand, it seems like I?m powerless. On the other hand, I want them to get help.

Would they be willing to go into therapy ASAP?

My son is not quite as willing. He wants to go into group therapy, and she says that she thinks the reason he wants to go into group therapy is so that he can kind of get a pat on the back from all the other people and listen to their stories.

Okay, so it?s just the victim stance. Here?s the question: I don?t know why she chose him, why she?s staying with him if she wants a life free of drugs. I don?t know whether, in their case?and I would need to be immersed in the details?

She?s really obsessed with him. It?s like, ?I?m scared to be with him, but yet I?m scared to not be with him.?

Okay, so she?s afraid of being on her own. She could certainly go to some women?s protection agency or try to seek some shelter.

Well, I think the reason she doesn?t is?see, they?re afraid of losing the kids, I?m assuming. And he has warrants in a couple different states. So that?s part of the reason why she doesn?t turn him in either, because she doesn?t want him to go to jail, and she seems to think that she can?t make it on her own.

Okay, so you can already hear that you?re facing a choice. What do you do? What are your options as grandma? You?re watching the three kids. There?s obviously violence. My sense is they don?t say to the kids, ?Excuse me, I?m going to punch your mother,? or ?I?m going to punch your dad. Could you please leave the room because we don?t want you to see this?? My guess is the kids are immersed in this.

Normally, if a therapist were dealing with them, Child Protective Services would be in there in a heartbeat. There?d be no question. Then the whole story would come out. If you, as the grandmother, would be willing to take the kids?that?s a huge responsibility.

And I had suggested the other day when they were fighting, I said, ?Let me take the kids, and if you guys want to knock each other?s brains out, fine, but you don?t have to do it in front of them.?

Right.

But you can actually call Child Protective Services. Again, you?re turning in your son. Will he like it? No. Will you feel very awkward turning in your own son? Yes. Will you also feel some pride? I don?t know. Will you feel pride that you did the right thing to protect the kids? I don?t know what you would feel. I would feel proud as a parent doing that.

So it?s one of those very difficult choices.

You yourself?if you can get therapy, your therapist could help you. Actually, the therapist would probably call it in. Or you could have family therapy. So that?s another option. You could seek therapy. You have insurance?

Yes.

You could go for individual therapy, and then the whole story comes out, and you would get the guidance of professionals to deal with this. You may not like the answer.

If you threaten to turn him in, what did he say to you? We?re right at the end of time here.

Well, he keeps telling me, ?Don?t threaten me with my kids.?

You?re not. He?s threatening himself with the kids. He?s already abusing them by exposing them to this violence. You are protecting the kids. You are doing him a favor by getting the kids some help and, if you want to, bringing this all to a head.

So listen, thank you. I wish you a lot of success. I wish we had more time.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.