The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

Ever since I was a little girl, I'd wake up in the middle of the night afraid of the dark, like the whole house was upside down, and if I didn't hang onto the mattress, I'd fall out into the sky. I wanted to run to you, have you tell me that I was safe, that everything was all right, but I was always more afraid of you than I was of the dark. It's the same way now.

And that's from Inherit the Wind. And you don't want your kids to be more afraid of you than other people in their lives. You don't want them to be afraid of life. You want them to embrace their life and love their life.

And what do parents do that messes things up? With me today is Cornelia Lockic, who has her master's in education, and she's been a Montessori teacher for 10 years. And one of her quotes is, ?Your choices as a parent can have a lasting impact, especially when it comes to kids.? So how do you have a very good lasting impact, not a negative lasting impact?

Cornelia's specialty is with preschoolers and toddlers. But, you know, with everything, the principles apply much more broadly. And she has a website with a special report, The Three Simple Child Management Secrets That Montessori Teachers Know and No Parent Should Be Without. She's got a free e-newsletter, and you can go to her website, www.guideyourchild.com
, and we'll repeat that again at the end.

And welcome, Cornelia.

So much for having me.

Oh, you're welcome.

And let's focus on the little ones, the toddlers, the preschoolers. I can remember when my kids were real young?that's your specialty?and I can remember when my kids were young feeling like I was swimming at times. I so wanted to be a good parent. I didn't want to repeat errors that I had experienced or seen growing up, and I didn't know what to do. So what typically goes wrong with parenting that makes it feel like parenting is a fighting hour with your little one?

Ellen, I think that parents and toddlers butt heads essentially because parents don't really understand their toddlers. And I'm not talking just about the language barrier of a toddler, like one who's pre-verbal, which can definitely be a significant obstacle. But even more than this, it's that parents often aren't informed about the broad developmental goals of young children. And so what happens is they easily misinterpret their child's actions, and that really can lead to a lot of conflict.

So can you give one example of that?

Yeah. For example, an active two-year-old who's forever climbing the furniture isn't necessarily being naughty. He's exercising his intense inner drive to perfect a particular physical skill. And if a parent truly understands this, then you can learn to work with it and not against it. You can work with this stage of development that your child is in. And so the issue becomes not one of, ?You must stop and you're not listening to me,? but rather one of, ?How can I give my little guy opportunities to climb safely and frequently in an appropriate environment??

So you could have a little staircase off to the side that's very safe. It's only three stairs, and he could go up and down and up and down and up and down, and it's safe, and he's learning the skill, rather than thinking, ?Oh my God, here he goes again climbing. Why won't he listen to me? I've got a brat on my hands.?

And you feel like you're just fighting and putting out fires all the time, all the time. Or you have exactly something in the house that is safe and okay for him to climb on. And you make changes in your routine to allow for daily trips to the park or the indoor gym or something like that.

Right.

And I've had kids come into my office. I've done a lot of child therapy. And they will be so intrigued with every little thing in my office. I have huge picture windows, and they want to look out the windows at the traffic or the airplanes flying by. And the parents are saying, ?Sit still, sit still. You've got to sit still.? And they say, ?Maybe my child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.? And my thought process is very different. This is a child whose mind is alive and is interested in the world. So it's a very different perspective.

You didn't always have parenting skills. I know you're very, very well trained. I wished I had had you around when my kids were very young, although I did a lot of work on my own. You said that you had difficulty when you were teaching, when you first taught. Talk a little bit about that.

Yeah, I really did. I had a rough start. And there was one day in particular that was very tough for me, and that still stands out vividly.

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then I'll be back.

Romance.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship.

Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where's that ad I saw? Here it is.

The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Yeah, I really did. I had a rough start. And there was one day in particular that was very tough for me, and that still stands out vividly. I was trying, on that day, to get my group of three- to five-year-olds on the rug for group time, and it just was not working. They ignored me. They lay on the floor. They wandered around the room. They were giggling, and they were playing?anything but paying attention to my direction.

And this came at the end of a long morning, and frankly, at the end of weeks of similar battles. So I was just feeling so powerless and discouraged, and I was really at a loss as to how to get them to listen to me. And on that particular day, I just couldn't take it anymore. Tears came into my eyes, and I had to leave the room. I left my students with my assistant, and it was very hard for me.

And I was forced, really, on that day to come to the discovery that, first of all, it wasn't about me. They weren't being disrespectful to me. They were just doing what young kids do when there's no adult around who's earned their respect. And I really needed to work hard after that to do a few things distinctly differently.

So if someone came up to you, Cornelia, and said, ?You know, just go by your gut feelings. Come on, they're little kids. You've got 26 little kids, and you can't control them. Go by your gut feelings.? Tell me about that. Why are you laughing?

Well, because even though I was trained before going into the classroom?trained as a teacher?and had some babysitting experience under my belt, essentially I did go by gut feeling. I didn't really know what to expect. And you really put yourself in a sink-or-swim situation there. You might get lucky with your child and discover you have a natural flair for understanding young kids or that you have a very easygoing child. But I think the odds are kind of against you there.

And from my perspective, parenting will just feel so much more like a struggle, and you will actually create problems that are avoidable if you go into it blindly.

So that's why you come in as a parenting coach now, after 10 years of being a Montessori teacher. You come in as a parenting coach. You have your own child now, right?

Yes, I do.

And you actually coach parents. Talk a little bit about how people could get in touch with you if they want to learn what your fresh vision is, which is actually guiding your child rather than trying to be too hands-on or too hands-off, too authoritarian or too lenient. You have a wonderful method of guiding your child that's actually free on your website. Tell people how they can get in touch with you.

Well, first they can visit my website at www.guideyourchild.com
. And I write a free biweekly e-newsletter, which is my way of staying in touch with parents. And that's really how you can find out about my parenting coaching and my approach.

The role of guide in those early years, in particular, is really what I see as the most constructive one for parents. You don't need to be her best pal or her best playmate or that domineering authority who's just trying to instill blind obedience. You're there to show the way, to offer help, to set limits when needed, and to back off when not. And all of that takes learning, I believe?learning about child development?because young kids are not self-evident. It's not self-evident what their actions mean.

And people can get in touch with you at www.guideyourchild.com
. Listen, thank you so much for joining us today.

Thank you, Ellen.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this now.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Partners need to communicate constantly, but most do not. Why is communication not a conscious priority? Most partners feel that because they're in a settled relationship, they no longer need to talk as much about their feelings toward one another. They focus on everyday practical matters, yes, but expressions of tenderness, concern, and interest in one another's lives go untended. They go on automatic and don't talk unless their subconscious mind happens to feed them something. It is precisely because they are in love that partners need to communicate in order to maintain and deepen that love.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.