The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

This is Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. When my son was really young, he just wouldn’t fold the clothes. He didn’t have many tasks around the house—he had enough—but folding the clothes was his, and he just let it drag on and on. I lovingly looked at him and said, “Honey, if you’re not doing them, I’m going to do them, but the next time you want me to do something for you, I don’t have it in me if you want a favor.” And that was okay. He said, “Yeah, you fold the clothes.” So I folded his clothes. Later, he gets a phone call from a friend, and the friend says, “If your mom can drive you five minutes to this gas station, we’ll pick you up on our way to a ski trip, and you can join us.” My son came running and saying, “Mom, can I go?” And I said, and this was a tough moment, “Honey, everything in me wants you to go. And the answer is no, because I told you, I don’t have it in me to do anything because of the clothes.”

At that moment, how did I feel as a parent? I felt really badly that I did that, but I also felt proud in some sense. To talk about that situation and others like it, here’s Charlotte Cushman. Charlotte Cushman wrote this fabulous book, Effective Discipline, the Montessori Way. Welcome, Charlotte. So tell me about that example. What would you say to me as a parent? What would you want to whisper in my ear when I made that choice that he could not go on that ski trip?

Well, I understand how you’d have misgivings, because it’s too bad something else didn’t come up that wasn’t absolutely the first thing that came up, right?

But I think it’s great that you stood your ground, because if you hadn’t done that, then the next time you would say something like that, it wouldn’t mean anything to him.

Oh, he folded the clothes. He was the best clothes folder!

Consistency is just so important in disciplining kids. It’s phenomenal how important that is, and it’s more important than that ski trip, right? Parents will send their kids to their room, or they’ll take away a toy if their kid used it to hit another kid, and then they feel really badly. How do they deal with that guilt? Why do they feel so badly?

I think that a lot of parents feel guilty because their child feels sad, and they think that sadness will affect their self-esteem and self-confidence. A deeper reason why they feel guilty is because many people in our culture believe in the idea of determinism. They think that the child’s life, his decisions, his behavior, etc., are determined by other people and how others treat him. That’s why they feel all this guilt, like they’ve done something wrong or damaged their kid. Even though he made a bad choice, they feel disciplining him will harm him for life.

And that’s wrong, because guess what? You can see your kids making decisions. You see them with the shifty eyes, deciding which direction to go. The idea of choice-making is so critical—they have to make their own choices. They have to be responsible for their own choices, right? Otherwise, you’re going to have a disaster on your hands when they’re teenagers.

You’re not damaging them for life if you use effective discipline, and I don’t mean bad discipline. So what are some good techniques for discipline? Let me give you an example. Say four-year-old Jody hits you when you tell her she needs to clean her room. She says, “You can’t make me,” and she laughs at you with a “ha, ha, ha,” then goes right back to the TV.

The first thing I would do is turn off the TV.

“No, I was in the middle of watching that show! You can’t do that, Mommy!”

“Yes, I can.”

I would turn off the TV and say, “You can watch it after you finish cleaning your room.” Now, if she really keeps defying me, I would do what’s called hands-on-hands.

She hit me! But she’s only four years old, and they know a bit, right?

If a child really defies you, openly defies you, like not cleaning her room or in the classroom, at the beginning of school, like in September, one rule is that when they’re done with material, they put it back on the shelf. In the first weeks of school with new children, you always have kids who refuse. So what you do is—

Sorry to interrupt, but we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it—a quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

You always have kids that refuse to do it, right? So what you do is put your hands on theirs, guide their hands to the work, stand up with the child, walk with them to the shelf, and put the material back. Usually, it only takes one time; sometimes twice, but then it’s never a problem again. That’s what I would do with this child—hands-on-hands.

Another thing about cleaning the room is that small children can feel overwhelmed because they spread stuff everywhere. It may be that Jody needs help. So with cleaning, maybe she’s frustrated and overwhelmed. I’d suggest grouping her things, like dolls in one pile, construction toys in another, to help her organize and clean more easily. I also wouldn’t use toy boxes; I’d use shelves so it’s easier for them to organize and not to have too many toys, which can overload kids.

One thing I love about the Montessori method is making things manageable. Think of yourself as an adult: if you have too many projects scattered, it feels chaotic, like just handling what you can manage at a time. Put out toys and rotate them. This makes sense, and with an older child, it’s obviously different.

You’re just assisting, not doing it for her—helping her get things in order so she can do it herself, right? And you also told her without screaming or attacking her; you just said, “You can watch TV after you clean your room.”

Let’s look at another situation. Say you’re at a playground, and Evan, your three-year-old, bites another child. What do you say to Evan? What do you say to the other child and their parents?

Biting depends if this is his first time, or if the other child was aggressive. Sometimes they bite because another child did something first, or maybe the other child bit them first and no one saw.

Adults often tell kids, “Use your words.” But kids don’t know what words to use. If he tells you the other child bit him first, or made him angry, discuss how he should handle it, and practice with him.

Oh, I love that—you role-play. Just go tell him, “I didn’t like it when you pushed me,” and practice, then go say it to the other child. In class, they don’t know what to do or how to handle anger, so “use your words” is unhelpful without teaching them the words.

That’s a great point, and something adults could use too.

This is Charlotte Cushman. I’ve been speaking with her about her book, Effective Discipline, the Montessori Way. Charlotte, you’ve also written two other books: Your Life Belongs to You, a true story about the founding of the United States (for kids), and Montessori: Why It Matters for Your Child’s Success and Happiness. How can people get your books?

They’re on Amazon, and I have a website called CushmanBooks.com.

And this is Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologists Dr. Kenner and Dr. Locke.

Sally left Wayne a curt Dear John note. Wayne was crushed—he had idolized her. But as he thought more, he realized he had never felt at home with her. Behind her good looks, there was no real self; she was a narcissist using him for money and attention. She showed no real interest in him. He should have gotten to know her as a real individual; intoxicated by her beauty, he gave her unlimited benefit of the doubt. Even when we observe a partner accurately, a person can camouflage bad traits temporarily.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.