The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

This is Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

When my son was really young, he just wouldn?t fold the clothes. He didn?t have many tasks around the house. He had enough, but folding the clothes was his, and he just let it drag on and on and on. And I lovingly looked at him and I said, ?Honey, if you?re not doing them, I?m going to do them, but the next time you want me to do something for you, I don?t have it in me if you want a favor.? And that was okay. He said, ?Yeah, you fold the clothes.?

So I folded his clothes, and he gets a phone call from a friend. And the friend says, ?If your mom can drive you five minutes to this gas station, we?ll pick you up on our way to a ski trip and you can join us.? And my son came running and saying, ?Mom, can I go??

And I said ? and this was a tough moment ? ?Honey, everything in me wants you to go. And the answer is no, because I told you I don?t have it in me to do anything because of the clothes.?

And at that moment, how did I feel as a parent? I felt really badly that I did that, but I also felt proud in some sense.

So to talk about that situation and others like it is Charlotte Cushman. Charlotte Cushman wrote this fabulous book, Effective Discipline the Montessori Way. And welcome, Charlotte.

So tell me about that example. What would you say to me as a parent? What would you want to whisper in my ear when I made that choice that he could not go on that ski trip?

?Well, I understand how you?d have misgivings, because it?s too bad something else didn?t come up that wasn?t??

?Absolutely. That was the first thing that came up, right??

?But I think that?s great that you stood your ground, because if you hadn?t done that, then the next time you would say something like that, it wouldn?t mean anything to him.?

?Oh, he folded the clothes. He was the best clothes folder around.?

?Consistency is just so important in disciplining kids. It?s just phenomenal how important that is. And that?s more important than that ski trip, right??

It is.

Parents will send their kids to their room, or they?ll take away a toy if they use the toy to hit another kid. And then they feel really badly. And how do they deal with that guilt? Why do they feel so badly?

?I think that a lot of parents ? the reason why they feel guilty is because their child feels sad, and they think that that sadness is going to affect their self-esteem and their self-confidence.

?I think the deeper reason why they feel guilty is because many people in our culture believe in the idea of determinism. So they think that the child?s life, the decisions he makes, his behavior, etc., is determined by other people and how other people treat him. Therefore, that?s why they feel all this guilt ? you know, like I?ve done something or I?ve damaged my kid.

?And even though he made a bad choice, I feel like my disciplining him is going to harm him for life. And that?s wrong, because guess what? You can see your kids making their decisions. You see them with the shifty eyes deciding which direction to go. And that whole idea of choice-making is so critical ? that they make their own choices.

?Then you have to make them responsible for their own choices, right? Otherwise, you?re going to have a disaster on your hands when they get to be a teenager.?

You?re not damaging them, dinging them for life, if you use effective discipline. I don?t mean bad discipline.

So what are some good techniques for discipline? Let me give you an example. Say four-year-old Jody hits you when you tell her she needs to clean her room. And she says, ?You can?t make me!? and she just laughs at you ? this ?ha ha ha? ? and she goes right back to that TV set. And you?re?

?Okay, well, the first thing I would??

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Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

And she just laughs at you ? this ?ha ha ha? ? and she goes right back to that TV set. And you?re?

?Okay, well, the first thing I would do is turn off the TV.?

?No! I was in the middle of watching that show! You can?t do that, Mommy!?

?Yeah, I can.?

I would turn off the TV and say, ?You can watch it after you finish cleaning your room.?

Now, if she really keeps defying me, I would do what?s called hands-on hands.

Okay, she hit me. She did hit me. But she?s only four years? I mean?

?Well, four years old, they know a bit.

?So if a child really defies you and openly defies you, like in this case not cleaning her room, or in the classroom ? a lot of times at the very beginning of school, like in September ? one of the rules that the children have is when they?re done working with their material, they?re to put it back on the shelf.

?Well, the first couple of weeks of school with the new children, you always have kids that refuse to do it. So what you do is you put your hands on their hands and put their hands on the work, stand up with the child and walk with them over to the shelf and put the material back on the shelf.

?And after you do that ? usually it only takes one time, but sometimes you might have to do it two times ? but then you never have a problem with that again.?

Yeah. And that?s what I would do with this child ? is do some hands-on hands.

Okay. Now another thing about cleaning the room is that small children can be very overwhelmed by that, because they spread their stuff all over the room, and it?s very overwhelming. And it may be the case that Jody needs some help with that. So as far as cleaning the room, maybe she?s really overwhelmed, and maybe that?s why she?s frustrated.

So I would put all ? like if she has dolls ? put all those in a pile. If she has some construction toys, put all those in a pile and help her sort them into piles so that then she can clean her room more easily.

And I also wouldn?t have toy boxes. I would have shelves, because it?s easier for them to organize and they see. And not to have too many toys, because that overloads kids.

That?s one of the things I love about the Montessori method ? is that you make it manageable. Like think of yourself as an adult. If you have too many projects all over your desk, it feels like chaos. You feel the pressure. You?re not working on one, so you feel guilty. It?s like just what you can manage at a time. So you put out toys and you can rotate them.

So that makes sense ? that you help her clean her room. You just notice if it?s an older kid, it?s obviously a different situation, right?

?And well, you don?t help her in the sense of where you?re doing it for her. You?re just assisting her to get things in order so that then she can do it herself.?

Right. And you also told her ? you didn?t scream, yell, bite her, hit. You didn?t attack her. You just said, ?You can watch it after you clean your room,? right?

Let?s look at some other situations, because kids misbehave in all different ways.

Let?s say you?re in public and you?re at a playground, and Evan, your three-year-old, bites another child at the playground. What do you say to Evan? What do you say to the other kid and his parents?

?It depends on if this is the first time he?s ever done that, or what the situation is with the other child being aggressive. Sometimes they?re biting because the other child did something to them first and they?re really upset about it. Or the other kid might have bitten them first and nobody saw it.

?And young children ? you know, you hear adults say to them in those situations, ?Use your words. Use your words.? Well, they don?t know what words to use. So you have to help them with that, right?

?And if he tells you that the other child bit him first, or the other child made him angry or whatever ? I mean, when you talk to him about it ? then you discuss with him how he should handle that. And then you might even want to practice with him.?

Yeah. Oh, I love that. You role-play.

?Yeah. Just go tell him, ?I didn?t like it when you pushed me,? and then have him practice that a little bit, and then go over and say that to the other child.

?In the classroom, I found that a lot ? that they don?t know what they?re supposed to do or how they?re supposed to handle that. They feel angry, they?re upset, or they?re frustrated. You can?t just say, ?Go use your words,? because they don?t know what words to use. So you need to help them with that.?

What an amazing point. I know we could use that with adults. Okay, which words are coming out?

This is Charlotte Cushman I?ve been talking with, and she?s written the book Effective Discipline the Montessori Way. And Charlotte, you?ve also written two other books: Your Life Belongs to You: A True Story About the Founding of the United States ? that?s a kids? book ? and Montessori: Why It Matters for Your Child?s Success and Happiness.

How can anyone get your books?

?They?re on Amazon, and I have a website called CushmanBooks.com.?

And this is Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

?Another way to nourish a relationship is by voluntarily helping with the cooking, dishes, laundry, childcare, shopping, yard work, and repairs. This, of course, makes your partner feel supported and less tired. Again, find out what kind of help is most wanted and appreciated.

?Another way to nourish your relationship is by touching your partner. Touching is a very important form of communication. It expresses and promotes intimacy.

?Where does your partner like to be touched? How does your partner like to be touched, such as holding hands, giving back rubs, giving light kisses on the neck, cheek, lips, or hand? These are all ways of making your partner feel loved and visible.?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.