The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

And I'm a clinical psychologist, and right now I want to welcome Lynn to the phone. Lynn, you're having difficulty. You're recently remarried, if I understand it, and you've got stepkids who are in their teens and interested in one another.

Yes, yes. We have two 13-year-olds, and they haven't exactly said that they're interested in one another, but there have been little things here and there where we're a little bit concerned.

Yeah, what are the little things? What do you notice?

Well, over the last couple of weeks, we've had a lot of festivities with parties and, you know, receptions and whatnot. And my sister saw our two kids sitting on each other's lap, and, you know, talking fairly close to each other and just being kind of silly. And sometimes they would go off into another room to giggle and talk about things, nothing has officially happened, you know, and I even addressed them about it separately and privately, but I'm just concerned just with seeing a lot of flirtatious behavior towards one another, yeah, so I'm just kind of nervous about that.

Okay, so what goes through your mind is nervous, Mom?

Well, you know, I'm from a divorced family also, and my older sister, who actually saw this behavior with the kids, had a situation with my old stepbrother, where, where he did, yeah, you know, in a flirtatious kid way, take advantage of my older sister at times. And so when I was talking about this with my sister, she's concerned, because things happen, and kids are kids, and, you know, I just would hate for something to happen between the two of them, because I think they're both innocent, but they're also very curious, and they're hitting, you know, they're 13 years old. They're just kind of there, right? And I know I have two kids, boy, I remember the teenage years and all the nervousness that we as parents go through. So here's, let me give you my first thought, my first thought was the same as my producers here, which is that, how wonderful that they get along? How often do you hear a story that my kids are getting along too well, and that they've made is yours the daughter or yours the son?

And his is the daughter. So you've got the son, and that must make you even more nervous, because the boys get a little more of the brunt and the guilt and the rest, and when you sat down and talked to them first, I think it's really good that you're tuned into this. I think that there's a very wonderful aspect to this, that they're connecting, that they're bonding, and then you want the boundary issues. So tell me if I'm one of the kids and I'm listening, listening, if I'm your son and I'm listening to you, tell me how concerned you are. What would I hear you say?

He would say, Oh, what did you say?

Okay, go ahead. What would you say first?

Well, when I was talking to him, he's like, No, it's not like that. And no, nothing happened. And no, I didn't really do that. And no, I don't I don't like her. We were just having fun. And things like that is what he would say.

Okay, so, but what did you say that he's responding no to, how did you present it to him?

Well, when? Well, first of all, my husband talked to his daughter, and then I talked to my son personally. So I never really addressed the daughter about it. And if I, yeah, go ahead.

And so, when I address him about it, I said things like, you know, I know that you guys have been talking a little too close, or maybe, you know, you find her prettier, or, or, you know, why did you want to be alone with her and things like that. That's kind of the things that I said.

Yeah, okay. And so he came, he came across trying to reassure you, and saying, no, no, mom, right, and you have a good relationship with him.

Yes, I think I do. Okay, so it sounds like you did the right thing in sitting down with him. The next thing, see, kids don't think necessarily long range. I can remember when I was a kid. You may have your own memories of this that a cousin slept over and my parents, there were three little girls in my family, me and my two younger sisters. And my parents thought it'd be a great idea to put my cousin in the bedroom with us to go to sleep at night. And I was the older one, and my cousin was my age, and my cousin, there were fireworks. Outside Fourth of July, honey, or third for July, 3. And so my cousin said to me, would you do you want to come in my bed and watch the fireworks, because he had the window in front? And I said, Sure, because I had a crush on him. He had a crush on me, and I got into bed with him, and we did nothing. We did nothing, and I remember that as one of my more cherished moments. And he remembers it too, and I haven't spoken to him in years, and we never went anyplace with it. It was just a cozy looking out the window, feeling like you're with someone that you care for. But of course, they attended your wedding, and not everybody would draw a boundary line there, and they have much more access than I had with my cousin. So you are exactly right. So you need to help your kids think longer range. You would say, you know, you could sit down and say, Honey, would you have any idea what my concerns are to your son? What would he say to that?

He said, Yeah, you know, you don't want me to do anything stupid or to do anything I shouldn't do, honey.

I want the two of you to be able to have such a dynamite relationship three years from now, five years from now, 20 years from now, I am worried that if either of you cross the line, it's hard to be together and then to break up if things go sour in your relationship when you live together. And if there's a way that you can really track that, and even though you like each other and can confide in each other, give yourself the ability to think longer range that you don't do what you said, Honey, I would use his own words, you know, you said something stupid. So you already know this, honey, you know, I would underscore that he knows this, and just say, and if you're ever feeling like that's hard for you, please come talk with me. I would. I'm here on all ears for you, honey, because I want you guys to really have the best shot of having the best relationship without it turning into a little romance and then possibly going sour. Hon, okay, so something to that extent, I think something is loving. You're keeping a door open for him to talk to you. There are books, if you have it, there are books by Peter Mailey, P, E, T, E, R, M, A, Y, L, E, on what's happening to my body and about sex. If he doesn't know about that already, what kid doesn't, though? So listen, thank you so much for your call, and I wish you a very happy marriage and enjoy your kids. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Lynn. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness. Here's an excerpt from the selfish path of romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner. Your looks matter. They convey your attitude toward yourself. You can make two errors when it comes to your looks. You can believe that looks are everything and spend your life in front of a mirror trying to look just right. Or you can disregard or deliberately ignore your appearance, or even intentionally make yourself look unappealing. You are neither a body without a mind, nor a mind without a body, but both of those errors say something about your evaluation of yourself and potential partners. Don't fall in love with a mindless body or a disembodied mind. They fall in love with you, an integrated person with a body directed by your mind. How you take care of yourself and present yourself physically says a lot to a prospective romantic partner, as well as to a long term partner. You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.