The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Megan, your friend is having nightmares and can't sleep. Yeah, tell me about that, hon.

Well, he keeps having nightmares about his friend being dead in the bathroom with blood everywhere, and he said that they're so real that he can smell the blood, and he has them every time he falls asleep.

How old is he?

19?

He's 19 years old. Did his friend… is his friend in the service or something?

No.

What do you think it's from?

Well, I'm really not sure. Like, I know that she, like, talks about her death a lot.

Yeah, go ahead.

So, I don't know. He said that it might be connected to that.

Okay, let me slow you down, because I got a little confused. Is the friend that's having the nightmares a girl or a guy?

The guy.

The guy is having the nightmares. So, you said she talks about—who is “she”?

The girl that he's having the nightmares about.

Oh, he's having the nightmares about a girl he knows, a friend of his?

Yes.

And she's dead in the bathroom with blood on her, and he's sharing this with you. Is it a girl you know too?

Yes.

How old is she?

She's 15. So, go ahead. Tell me, do you think it has something to do with her father?

With his what?

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. Why do you think he's having these dreams?

Because I know that she talks to him about her death a lot.

Oh, she talks about her death. I thought you said "dad." Okay, she talks about her death. Is she suicidal?

I don’t think so.

Is she into goth or something… vampires?

No.

No, she isn’t. So, what do you think's going on?

I don’t know. I know that she, like, does drugs and stuff.

Oh, okay. So, she might be having some… maybe hallucinations or delusions. Are you doing drugs, honey?

No.

You're not. And so, it’s affecting you. He's a buddy of yours. Does he do drugs too?

No.

He doesn't. But she's his friend, and he's having these nightmares about her dead. Do you think he worries about her dying because of a drug overdose or something?

I think he thinks that she's gonna kill herself.

So, he's really worried about her?

Yes.

And does he feel responsible? Is he dating her?

No.

Is he dating you?

No.

Okay, so he's very worried about her. Is there anything that you can do to get her help?

I don’t think so. He thinks that she's fine.

Okay. Do the teachers know? You're in school, right?

Yeah.

Or are you still in school?

Oh, right now?

Yeah.

Oh, you're not. Okay. Is she in school?

No.

Oh, she goes to school, yeah.

Is it a college?

She’s 15.

She’s 15. I’m wondering if he wants to alert the school or her parents about what she's doing to get her some counseling.

Yeah, like…

You know, it’s hard because it’s his problem, not yours, and you're just looking out for him. How close of a friend is he to you?

My best friend.

Oh, he’s your best friend. So, he wants to not deal with the nightmares. I think he needs to be able to take some action. He can’t force this girl to stop. Is she his sister at all?

No.

So, she's just a friend. He can reach out to her, but it sounds like she needs professional help. Because if she thinks drug use isn’t a problem…

She doesn’t think so, because she mostly just smokes.

So, it’s pot… marijuana?

Yes.

Does she do other stuff too?

Occasionally, she takes painkillers.

Okay, so she definitely… it sounds like she's self-medicating. Sometimes, when we have problems at home or with relationships, people turn to alcohol or drugs. You know that, right? How old are you?

You're 14. Okay. The best thing I can say for you personally, Megan, is to congratulate yourself so much for not using drugs. That is such an amazing accomplishment, especially with peer pressure. I talked about peer pressure before you came on the air. You may have heard it. You want to be your own person. I went through high school and college, and I didn’t use drugs. Guess how many people around me were using drugs?

How many?

Many, many, many. My roommates, people in my class, friends who said they'd never use drugs… they started. But I held on to myself. I wanted to think for myself, honey. You can’t do anything about her except try to get her some help. Maybe let someone know who can talk to a counselor. Your best friend could do that too, but she may get upset with him. It’s a judgment call. But if he doesn’t want to have nightmares, he could get help for himself. He could seek psychological counseling to help him deal with her, and that might help with his nightmares.

For you, I would say give yourself a big hug and make a promise to yourself that you’re going to love your life and mind so much that you won’t mess with that stuff. If you have problems, you can learn many thinking skills, honey. Okay?

Okay.

It’s not your responsibility to take care of her, and it’s not his either. It’s hers. But, it’s totally okay to let some adults know. Thank you so much for the call, Megan.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

You're so conceited, Clint.

Why are you like that?

I'm not saying that to be conceited. I hate it. I hate going along with everything my friends say.

Why do you do it?

You don't understand. You don't… you're not friends with the same kind of people that I’m friends with. You just don’t understand the pressure they put on you.

Sometimes you need a friend change. Sometimes you need a whole new group. I did that when I was younger. It wasn’t always by choice, but I got in with a healthier group, and it benefited me. Many people hang around friends who drink but don’t want to give them up, even though they dislike the lifestyle. Sometimes you have to make tough choices.

(That excerpt is from The Breakfast Club.)

If you feel under peer pressure to go along with friends' tastes or behaviors, remember that being true to yourself builds self-confidence. You can be tactful too.

For more of Dr. Kenner's podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

"Emotional intimacy is the most fundamental prerequisite for sexual interest, arousal, and pleasure in a successful, long-term relationship. Emotional intimacy means psychological closeness with your partner and is the result of the relationship's quality. Attraction and desire are greatest when you feel visible to your partner. You value your partner, and are valued in return. You understand why you love each other, work toward making yourself lovable, choose the right partner, feel understood and valued, and communicate well. Your partner is openly expressive, creating a positive emotional climate."

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy the book at Amazon.com.