The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Here's a question from Carlin. You know, we've all gone through stretch pains when we're growing up and we don't know quite where we're going. We don't have our compass set. And you might relate to some of this, I know I did.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I'm 15, and I'm a junior in high school right now. I'm terrified of growing older. I've looked for advice online, but most sites identify this Peter Pan syndrome with an extremely sheltered childhood and an unwillingness to accept responsibility. I don't think that's my problem. I'm scared to grow up because I feel that I have less and less time to achieve my goals, and I won't accomplish anything meaningful in my life. I'm pretty young for my grade, and I never thought I minded too much before, but now that I'm almost going off to college, I'm afraid of being that much closer to becoming an adult. I'm afraid of growing up and I'm afraid of failing or having regrets about what could have been. How can I reassure myself and learn to make the most of my last years in high school, in my next few years in college?

Carlin, as I said, I related to your letter when I was 14 years old, a year younger than you are. I recall walking around my neighborhood and feeling that my life had passed me by. I was beyond anxious. I was feeling depressed. And now why would that be? Well, when I was 14 years old, I was watching the Olympics, and I loved the figure skating, and I had always dreamt of becoming an Olympic figure skater. I skated well. I could do jumps and I could do twirls and spins. I could even do a Russian jump on ice, but I couldn't do triple axels and I couldn't even manage a very good spin, so I felt like a total failure. I wasn't going to achieve anything meaningful in my life.

So what did I do? I was also the youngest one in my grade, which made me feel kind of shy, and I was afraid to pursue my own dreams. Well, I now know as an adult that I was engaging in what we call in cognitive therapy, stinking thinking. A lot of it is the way we frame a situation very negatively. So I didn't have my bearings even when I went to college. Carlin, that's where you kind of sample life and decide what you want to do. And yes, there are some people who know what they want to do in life, but I certainly didn't.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Yes, there are some people who know what they want to do in life, but I certainly didn't. I majored in French first, and then I switched to art history, and then ended up majoring in Biology. Well, what am I now? I'm a psychologist. I was very confused. So it was only eight years after college for me, after I read The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged and The Virtue of Selfishness, which really means self-esteem, self-valuing. Those books by Ayn Rand changed my perspective and gave me such a joyous, adventurous outlook on life. I wanted to make my life interesting, and it didn't matter how much time had passed me by already. There was nothing I could do about that; my future was in front of me, and my future will always be in front of me.

So instead of thinking that my life had passed me by, Carlin, and that I was a failure, what I did was see possibilities in front of me. It was like a menu in front of me that I could choose from. What did I want to do with my life? Instead of feeling like I might fail in whatever I did, I felt that, hey, I can learn from every experience. Instead of feeling that I should pursue some career that would please my parents or teachers or professors or friends or relatives, I learned that it's important to choose a career that intrigued me, and man, did that fuel my motivation. I enjoyed pursuing my career in psychology, so I had a whole new way to deal with failure. I wasn't going to have any. Even when I got rejected from grad school my first year, I gave them a call. I was committed to learning what I needed to increase my chances next year. So it was a whole new self-valuing approach to my life. I adopted what I now know is called a learning stance, not a failure stance.

So for you, Carlin, I would consider reframing your own thinking. Your life is an interesting adventure; you can learn from any setbacks, and you can pursue your goals without stepping on anyone else and not letting them step on you. And if you want the same type of fuel that I had, I recommend reading The Fountainhead, which is at my website, or you could just go to amazon.com. If you like that book, you can read more by Ayn Rand. I know that turned my life around. And there's even a very popular essay contest; they give away a lot of money, and it's one of the, I think, one of the largest in the world, on The Fountainhead and on Atlas Shrugged, so you might enjoy that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Now, here is an article that I read in the newspaper, and I just could not believe this. So see what you think of this: Sweating, shaking man never, never going to spend a little time with his thoughts. Again, from Los Alamos, New Mexico, describing it as a harrowing ordeal that he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. In quotes, badly shaken, 39-year-old senior account manager Daniel Tillerson told reporters Friday that he would never again spend a few minutes alone with his thoughts.

"My God, it was just awful. That's the last time I ever take a moment to myself to reflect," a profusely sweating Tillerson said before unsteadily pouring a large glass of whiskey and drinking it down in a single gulp. "The worst part is I actually did this to myself. I actually said, I think I'd like to take a little time alone to think about some things. Then for a few brief horrible moments, I looked deep within myself and saw who I really was. It was honestly the scariest, most nauseating experience of my life," Tillerson said. "If he ever found himself alone and without the distractions of music, the internet, TV, or video games, he would repeatedly hit himself in the head with the handiest, large, blunt object to prevent any sort of return to his own innermost thoughts."

Now, I read that and it cracked me up because that's the exact opposite policy that you like in life and that you want in life. I took this seriously, and then my daughter informed me, "Mom, it's from the magazine The Onion, and it's a spoof. It's just, it's just a comical piece that they wrote." So you want the opposite policy in your life. You do want to look at your innermost thoughts. You never want to run away from yourself. And many of us do that. We run away from ourselves, and the person who's scariest to us is ourselves. You don't want to go through life like that. If there are things that you don't like about yourself, you want to improve them. But when you take a look at yourself, you also may discover your strengths, and you want to strengthen your knowledge of your own strengths.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

As your relationship develops, notice whether it becomes more positive, more negative, or stays the same. With a great partner, love gradually grows in depth and intensity, and there'll be no contradictory evidence showing that it's not a good match. Your love trajectory, the course your relationship takes, should move in a positive direction. But if, in contrast, the trajectory moves downward, it means you and your partner are discovering more and more things that you don't like about one another. Such relationships are doomed, barring some major turnaround. If the trajectory stays flat, this is also a red flag. Usually, this happens because there is no real passion, and partners are staying together out of inertia or convenience.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.