The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

1-Many people turn to alcohol seeking happiness or relief, but often end up feeling worse. This episode explores the psychological and chemical reasons why drinking can dampen joy, and what genuine happiness really requires.
2-What true happiness really means?and what it doesn?t. Here are some common misconceptions about joy, success, and fulfillment. Discover practical insights for living a more genuinely happy life.

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com,

Dear Dr. Kenner, why am I not happy unless I drink? Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark? dot, dot, dot. Lots of question marks. Why? Why am I not happy unless I drink? I am 55 years old.

Susan, well, first ask yourself, are you happy when you drink? Happiness, if we define happiness, many people will have different definitions. Reasonably, happiness is the achievement of decent values, rational values, the achievement?not winning the lottery. How many people win the lottery and then go on to destroy their lives? Because they know that the money they got from the lottery is not earned money. So they can buy the yachts, they can buy the houses, and they feel like a big fraud because the house that they buy is not one that they earned, and they live in a neighborhood where the neighbors all earned their houses, so they feel like they're at odds.

So it isn't someone just giving you a gift, it's you putting in whatever effort and rising to whatever level your ambition and your ability allows you, and you can grow your ability.

And so what happens when you drink? Well, I'm assuming you're not talking about social drinking. If you're talking about just having a drink of wine at a lovely restaurant occasionally, or maybe a drink before you go to bed because your doctor said wine is good for you, then that's not what we're talking about.

If you have a drinking habit, meaning you're messing up with drinking, you're using it to self-medicate, which many people do. Well, what then? Why can't you be happy? Well, what are you medicating yourself for? You're medicating your anxiety, your uncertainty, your self-doubt, your feelings of depression. You medicate them. And alcohol does achieve that goal. It deadens it and kind of makes you a little euphoric. But there's a downside to it, which everybody knows. You can't be 55 years old and not know that.

The downside is that?hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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But there's a downside to it, which everybody knows. You can't be 55 years old and not know that. The downside is that you get this short-range little boost, and you can fake happiness. It feels happy. I mean, it definitely feels happy. You can laugh. You can be jovial. But you know that when you come to again, when you're sober, that you don't know how to run your own life. The problem still exists. They didn't go away with the drinking. In fact, the problems are worse because now you're drinking. People in your family are complaining, and you're not happy, so then you go and drink again, and that repeats the cycle.

I was once in a play in a camp for a summer where they spoke only French. And so I learned how to speak in French. I was in a little play from Le Petit Prince, and my part translated in English was, "This is from someone who doesn't drink." I was the drunk. They made me the drunk. So I had the lines, "I drink." And somebody asked me, "Well, why do you drink?" And I said, "To forget." And they said, "To forget what?" And I said, "To forget that I drink." And you can see how circular that is. It's just a loop: you drink to forget that you drink, and you drink more when you come to again.

So giving up alcohol is not easy. You need a lot of skills. You need skills with yourself. You need to know how to manage urges. You need to know how to achieve good values in life. You need problem-solving skills. You may need anger management skills. You may need monitoring skills so that you don't go back into drinking. You may need communication skills and how to deal with relationships better, and drink refusal skills. So that's just a little overview of what's involved to get yourself sober again.

And there's a wonderful book, Sober for Good. It's on my website, by Anne Fletcher, who talks about the many different ways people become sober. There's not only one.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner: your happiness matters. And you may be sitting there thinking, "Well, what is this thing, happiness anyway?" You know, I want to be happy, but nobody really has it. People just go around faking that they're happy, and maybe a few times in their life, they'll get a high, they'll get a feeling of just being on top of the world. But that isn't the norm.

Get real. Well, if that's the situation that you're in, you definitely want to rethink that, because this is your life. You don't want to waste the next 10 years of your life, or 20 years of your life, going around with those ideas that place the ceiling really low. Don't let that limit you from exploring the possibilities in your life and pursuing the dreams that you want.

And what would cut off your dreams? Typically, or more fundamentally, the wrong moral code. If you have a moral code that tells you not to be happy, but that self-sacrifice is good, the martyr is the good person. The good person is the person who really, really wants a particular career or a particular romantic relationship?a healthy one?and gives it up. Gives it up for something that they value less, or maybe safety or security, or they give it up because the parents don't want them to marry a particular person.

If you're giving up your hobbies, your values, your romantic life, the career that you would like and is possible?it may not be possible at this point?if you're giving up on yourself, then you won't get happiness, even though that's presented as a moral code: selflessness, altruism. You want to value yourself, which doesn't mean that you're going to be a mean person. It doesn't mean you're going to be a narcissist or a "me only" person: "my way over the highway, get out of my way," manipulating, cheating, or stealing.

You don't make yourself into a good person that way either. The way to make yourself into a good person is to achieve that happiness that everyone longs for, and many people just throw up their hands. Set long-range goals for yourself and shorter ones too, that are doable, that are truly in line with your values. So you're being true to yourself and learning how to speak your mind.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

A number of factors can cause the relationship to change, such as developing new ways of relating, handling conflict, better changing your perspective on your partner's attributes, or rethinking what you want. Even a great relationship can have some ups and downs. If the causes of the downs are resolved, then the upward trajectory can resume. Some rockiness may be caused by inner conflict over making a long-term commitment to someone, rather than personality characteristics of the partner. The process of meshing together the many aspects of your life with those of another unique individual is not easy, but so long as communication remains strong, honest, tactful, and respectful, partners can often resolve such problems and strengthen their love.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.