The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Our country, the noblest country in the history of men, was based on the principle of individualism, the principle of man's inalienable rights. It was a country where a man was free to seek his own happiness, to gain and produce—not to give up and renounce; to prosper—not to starve; to achieve—not to plunder; to hold as his highest possession a sense of his personal value and as his highest virtue, his self-respect.

With me today, Dr. Andy Bernstein. Andy Bernstein has his PhD in philosophy. He taught at Pace University and has given talks all over the country—at Harvard University, Stanford, RPI, and many more. He’s the author of countless articles, several Cliff Notes, and a novel, The Heart of a Pagan. Today, we’re talking about your freedom, freedom and happiness. How can you make the most of the fact that you live in the United States? Welcome, Andy.

Good to be here, Dr. Kenner.

Oh, it’s wonderful to have you on. I was in New York City recently, and I'm in a cab, and the cab driver is talking a foreign language. I’m thinking, where’s he from? What’s going on here in the Bronx? He probably sounds like you, and me with my Cranston accent, and you with the Bronx. Is it Brooklyn?

Brooklyn and Bronx?

Oh, you're from Brooklyn. Okay, so he had a very, you know, definitely a foreign, unidentifiable language. It wasn’t French, which I know. So, I said to him, "Where are you from?" and he said he’s from Bangladesh. He didn’t talk much; you know, I expected a tour. We were going down to see Ground Zero, actually. And he said that he came over here for his freedom. He came over to become an American citizen. He's been here several years, and he's looking to rise up the corporate ladder. He doesn’t mind starting as a cab driver. He was also very proud of his 11-year-old son. I mean, you’re only in the cab a few minutes, and he’s telling us about his son, who received high honors in school. Such a level of ambition. And I’m wondering, why do people who come over here from other countries have a level of ambition that many Americans don’t?

That's a good question. First of all, we need to realize we get the best from other countries—people who correspond to the best people in our country: the most ambitious, the most rational, the ones who have the strongest drive toward personal success and happiness. Just think about how difficult it is to tear yourself away from the only country, the only culture you've ever known, your family, friends, and people you know. Then travel 8,000 miles across the world to a whole new country. You see, you get the bravest, the most courageous individuals in that society. And these people escape from political tyranny all over the world. I mean, they’ll swim over from Cuba, practically, escaping dictators in order to pursue their own happiness. These are individuals who will not submit—neither to political nor psychological tyranny. So, no matter what the opposition is, whether it's a political dictator they have to escape from, or even if it’s a voice in their own subconscious that got beaten into them by their culture telling them they’re worthless and undeserving of happiness, they fight against it. They know the meaning of life is personal values and the pursuit of happiness, so they’re not going to let anything stand in their way.

I want to look at this from a different angle, Andy. What types of methods do bullies in your family, the tyranny in your own mind, or dictators use to try to get you to give up your happiness, your life, your goals, your dreams? What types of methods, if we could just name some?

Two come to my mind. The most obvious one is brute force. Certainly with dictators—sometimes even parents will beat their children or scream at them and physically intimidate them into doing what the parent wants, with no explanation as to why it must be done. Most people can identify that as evil, and they rebel against it. But the more subtle method, I think, is important. I’ll tell a story briefly to illustrate. When I was a kid—

I have to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds. A very quick ad, and then we’ll be back.

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That is interesting. So, the more subtle method, as I was saying—let me tell a story briefly. I was in Brooklyn as a kid. I remember walking down Cornell Avenue one day, and a bunch of thugs jumped out. One of them said to the other, "Oh, there’s the guy who beat up your little brother," and this was a pretext for them to mug me. It was completely false—I didn’t know these guys or their little brother. I was completely innocent, and I knew it. They knew it. But notice what they were trying to do. Even these semi-literate thugs, on some visceral level, knew they needed to usurp the moral high ground from me by making me feel wrong, guilty, and worthless. That’s what parents often do, and certainly dictators in communist or Nazi countries—they instill the idea that you’re wrong if you have ideas of your own, if you refuse to obey, if you refuse to go along. You’re a sinner, you’re selfish, you’re bad. They try to make you feel guilty for having a life of your own, for pursuing your own happiness. Any disobedience, and they try to instill a sense of moral guilt in you. That’s their strongest weapon. What we have to do is not permit dictators or bullies to take the moral high ground. We need to assert our right to our own life, values, and happiness, and reclaim the moral high ground.

So, what I heard you say are the methods they use: Number one is brute force. For anyone in spousal abuse situations, or as a child who’s been abused, you know the threats—even if a father kicks the dog without hitting you directly, you know he can turn on you with that same force. That’s the direct threat. But the more subtle one is when they falsely accuse you, like saying you hurt their brother—bogus, but they take the moral high ground to beat you up and steal your money. Or they try to douse you with unearned guilt, calling you a sinner, which is the same thing. Can you talk a bit about unearned guilt?

It’s a devastating weapon. It’s the bully’s main weapon, whether it’s Hitler, the Catholic Church during the Dark Ages, or a manipulative parent. Unearned guilt makes you feel wrong in yourself. The rest of the message is: to expiate your sin, to cleanse yourself, you must obey me, follow my dictates, do what I say. My mom wasn’t nearly as bad as these people, but she was a Jewish mother with an element of it. She called me selfish all the time, whenever I went against her wishes, like going out with girls, wanting to get married, or going away to college. Unearned guilt works because it leads you to obey the bully or dictator. That’s the trick, the dirty secret. You must identify it and throw it off. You have to assert your moral right to live your own life and be clear in your mind: I have a right to live and pursue my own happiness. I won’t accept any guilt for simply pursuing my own happiness.

If you earn guilt, then you accept it and make amends, apologize, or do what you need to. But if you haven’t earned the guilt, and someone calls you selfish, look at why you’re being called that. You might want to thank them. Thank you so much for being with me today, Andy Bernstein, one of my favorite people. He’s my resident philosopher, and we look forward to talking with you again soon.

Anytime.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

[Excerpt]

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

The virtue of being productive makes you more lovable. But this does not mean you have to become a millionaire. Productivity requires a long-range career focus, developing employable skills, and earning money. Your career gives you a sense of purpose and the financial ability to trade with others, sustaining and enriching your life. It gives you pride in yourself. Don’t think you’re unlovable if you don’t have a job or career. You may be going through a tough time, be between jobs, or unemployed due to circumstances beyond your control, or perhaps you’re caring for children or elderly family members. If you’re genuinely working to improve your situation, you may be perfectly lovable and moral.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.