The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

In the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com. Right now, I have a question that I received from a 19-year-old student from Hong Kong. If you think about yourself as a teenager or maybe in your late teens, did you have a question? What the heck is the meaning of life? Where am I going? You know, what is this all about? I just don't get it. You know, you're in a transition phase; you're done with school; you're moving on in life, but you don't quite know where or how or what to do. Not many of us in our early teens or late teens have a direct, straight arrow path carved out for ourselves. It takes a lot of thinking, a lot of trial and error. I know I majored in multiple things before I settled on psychology, including art. Art was one of the things and French, the French language. So we all take little circuitous routes, or many of us do, to get to where we're going, and some of us take a direct route. They know what they want at a young age.

Here's the question from Han. Dear Dr. Kenner, I'm a 19-year-old Hong Kong student. I graduated from my high school half a year ago after 16 years of education. I would like to ask, what is the meaning of being alive? Some may say you need to find your goal. You need to admire this world, and there are lots of reasons. But why do we need to be here and keep finding the meaning of being alive? We can find a goal, fulfill it, and set another one and fulfill it again. It's just repeating like a routine. I do enjoy my life as I'm already here, but I still hope that you can answer this. Thanks. And best regards, Han.

Han, I like that you're thinking about this very fundamental question: what is the meaning of being alive? I will tell you my meaning of being alive. My meaning of being alive is I am alive, and it is up to me to put meaning in my life. I am not here for my parents or my kids. I love my family. I love my kids and my parents. But that doesn't mean that I'm here to serve them. I'm here to enjoy them. I'm here to nurture them to an extent. But the meaning of my own life takes effort, and I didn't know what the heck the meaning of my life was when I got out of high school. I kind of wanted to get married. I kind of wanted a family and to have kids because I loved playing with Barbie dolls, and I thought I wanted to major in French. When I tried that, that didn't work. So then I moved on to art. Art didn't work because they were just showing me how to splash paint on canvas. They wouldn't teach me any skills. It was a Jackson Pollock era if you know what that is; if you don't, consider yourself very lucky.

Then I majored in psychology, and I learned how to feed rats Rice Krispies and made mazes. This was in the 1970s, and I said that psychology is not for me. So I moved on to biology. And I liked biology, but I actually moved back to psychology when I discovered that learning about how the mind works is fascinating—not rats' minds. That doesn't intrigue me in the least unless I have to catch them in my house, but because we do live in the woods. Learning how my own mind works and helping others think more clearly, I'm passionate about that, so let's get into that.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance— that is interesting.

Learning how my own mind works and helping others think more clearly, I'm passionate about that. So let's get into that. You want to set your own dreams. Han, it's effortful to make your own meaning in life, to find your values, to become what some people call a passionate valuer. You're very passionate about your life now; you grow into that. As you can see, I wasn't passionate about feeding mice Rice Krispies, so you want to search and shop. Just like if you were shopping for a pretty dress or a pretty outfit to wear, you want to shop for a career that brings you pleasure. You may already know what you want, but first, you want to know that it is truly your life, that you are unique, and it is your life—underscore that, highlight it, put it in bold. You don't have to live in the shadows of what others want for you—your family, your friends, or your teachers. That doesn't mean that you don't have friends, and I'll get to that in a minute. You don't have to live for some dry, esoteric purpose that doesn't seem to make sense but everybody else buys into it.

Hon, you want to wake up in the morning and look forward to enjoying your day, your value. So what does it require? It requires effort. Any big value—if I want to learn Italian or even French, or if I want to learn psychology—it requires a lot of studying. Or if I want to learn how to ski, it requires a lot of effort. I don't care to put it into skiing. So any big value in life requires effort. But there are four major areas of value, and if you know these, it can help guide your thinking and searching. One is identifying and finding a career that interests you. What are your dreams? Come up with what you want to do in life. That can take a lot of effort, as I said. But ask yourself, what careers intrigue me? Get more information about that; maybe even get some career guidance from school.

The second is, what hobbies and interests do you have? What do you do when you let your hair down? Do you play a musical instrument? Do you dance? Do you read books? Do you kayak? Do you knit? Do you cook or hike? Those are the sweet things in your life. Then think about friends and family. Family doesn't get a free pass; only those family members who are good friends who are supportive of you count, and you want to cherish those good relationships. And, of course, a romantic relationship. You can get the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, How the Selfish Path to Romance: Meaning, Self-Valuing, How to Love with Passion and Reason, and that's at my website, DrKenner.com, or on Amazon.

You truly want to embrace your own life, and I wish you the best in doing that. So it is your life. There's nothing outside of it. It is your life, and you can enjoy it with your friends and family, enjoy your career, and enjoy your hobbies.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Often money problems are caused by unresolved psychological problems. A partner may have had a deprived childhood and desperately wants to make up for it by overspending or overworking. Such individuals may work 100 hours a week to become rich without enjoying the work or having time for their loved ones. Others may use money to show off as a way of gaining a false sense of self-esteem. Ironically, the joke is on the big spenders. Self-esteem comes from how one uses one's mind, not from any given amount of wealth and not from showing off. Earning a good living by productively doing something one loves builds genuine self-esteem.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book @amazon.com.