The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

In The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

This is a question that I received and may raise some eyebrows.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I've been with my boyfriend for four years. He's now telling me it's okay for him to imagine having sex with other women. Is this true? I thought healthy relationships meant you only think about yourself sexually with your partner. I understand being attracted to other women, but I didn't think it would be okay to think about them in a sexual manner.

Thank you,
Joanne.

Joanne, this is a fascinating question because the question is, what does it mean to you? You are the partner, and you guys have been together for four years, so you're not in that infatuation stage where everything is brand new and you just feel like the only person that fills each other's awareness is each other, that you're just so turned on, you're so excited, you can't wait to get together. When you've been together for four years, you kind of speak. Most people settle into a normal relationship, and they need to put in effort to keep that relationship vibrant.

I know I'm very lucky. I have a husband who said, ?What you do to win someone, you have to do to keep somebody.? Now, it's not that you have to do it. You want to do it. You want to make your relationship rich. And it's very rare that couples can keep the sexual relationship going for many years.

So let me put it this way. It is totally proper to fantasize. There is nothing wrong with fantasizing. If you wanted to fantasize about Pierce Brosnan or somebody else, a movie star, what is the harm done? Well, if that's all you fantasized about, and if every time you were with your husband you put Pierce Brosnan's picture on his face, that would obviously not be good. You?re talking about him again. Pierce Brosnan, my former heartthrob when I first saw him in, believe it or not, Mrs. Doubtfire. I just kind of got a little crush on him then that lasted for a bit.

But anyway, back to this. You've been together for four years. So if your partner said to you, if he presented it to you saying?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then I?ll be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.
Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where's that ad I saw? Here it is.

The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

If your partner said to you, if he presented it to you saying, ?I love you so much, and occasionally I'll have passing thoughts of a fantasy with somebody else. I don't want to have these fantasies with a coworker or best friend.? I mean, I don't recommend that you start developing fantasies around a very close friend because guess what can happen? You may end up being not just friends. That may take on a life of its own.

But if it's a stranger you see, or you see a pretty picture and he?or if you see something and you want to fantasize?there's nothing wrong with that. And if you felt totally visible, loved, cherished by your husband, and he says, ?You know what? I feel like having a fantasy now about this,? maybe you guys could share the fantasy and then it's not a threat to you.

So he needs to put in some effort to help you not experience it as a threat. If it's a threat to you, if you feel like your sexual life has kind of dried up a bit or become boring, then sometimes it's a wake-up call for both of you to either both engage in fantasies together, maybe even with each other as the main people, or to liven up your sexual life. So it may be just a nice wake-up call for both of you before things get too out of hand.

So you want to be able to?the essence of this is that you want to be able to feel cherished by one another. And if you don't feel that he's cheating on you, which this isn't necessarily cheating, this is normal for many people to feel attracted to others, then that shouldn't be a problem at all.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Think of what bothers you when you're driving in the car. What makes you grip that wheel? What makes your stomach churn or makes you feel shaky in your life? Or what makes you feel good? And how can you get more of that in your life? Because the goal of living is to live your personal value. Use what you love. To be with your friends?tonight I went out with a friend, and it was absolutely wonderful. To be with family that you enjoy. To just really cherish your life. To pursue the career that you want. To pursue hobbies you enjoy. And of course, romance.

Well, what gets in the way of all of this? What makes it so we don't enjoy our lives? Now, sometimes there are accidents, things totally beyond our control or anyone else's. A hurricane hits, or a tornado, or what they call acts of nature. But sometimes?many times?it's a person in your life who is undermining your confidence in yourself and your confidence in other people and your hopes for your own future.

And I want to start with a quote again from my favorite author, Ayn Rand. This is from Atlas Shrugged, my favorite book. But she writes, quote:

?Somewhere in the starting years of your childhood, before you had learned to submit, to absorb the terror of unreason and to doubt the value of your mind, you had known a radiant state of existence. You had known the independence of a rational consciousness facing an open universe. That is the Paradise which you have lost, which you seek, which is yours for the taking.?

Unquote.

Rediscover your own confidence, your own mind. Learn how to own your life again without stepping on anybody else and without being a doormat, without letting them step on you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Being a cheapskate is unromantic because it implies that saving every last cent is more important than your partner's enjoyment. Then again, showing off your wealth is unromantic because it reveals insecurity. Being generous simply means doing a bit more than is necessary or expected. If your partner admires an affordable art book or a nice piece of jewelry but doesn't buy it, consider it for a birthday, anniversary, or holiday gift. Giving small, thoughtful gifts at unexpected times is another way to show your love. Don't give thoughtless, impersonal gifts. They're almost worse than no gift at all.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.