The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

Let me read. Oh no, no, no, no. I never let anybody read my stories. Why not? Well, what if they didn?t like them? What if they told me I was no good? I don?t know if I could take that kind of rejection.

And that?s from Back to the Future Part One. We?ve all had those moments of vulnerability. Sometimes they?re not moments. Sometimes it is just the undercurrent of our lives. We are real anxious, we?re real nervous, or we just feel depressed. We feel like it?s hopeless for us, that we?re unlovable.

With me to discuss core beliefs, our deepest beliefs, is Dr. Jeff Riggenbach. He?s a cognitive therapist in the state of Oklahoma, practicing at Laureate Psychiatric Clinic and Hospital. He has completed training with the gold standard of training, in my book, with the Beck Institute of Cognitive Therapy, and is certified with the Academy of Cognitive Therapy. He gives seminars routinely and has been a professor, and I?m delighted to have you on the show. Dr. Riggenbach.

Hi, Ellen. Thanks for having me.

Oh, it?s wonderful that you?re here. When a person goes through life saying, ?Oh, I?m afraid to show anybody my writing. I?m afraid that I?ll be rejected,? what?s going on there?

Well, as you talked about at the beginning, a lot of times?actually always?our specific thoughts that we have are products of what you mentioned, which are called core beliefs. Our core beliefs are really these deeply ingrained or deeply held beliefs or assumptions or rules that we?ve developed over time. They really serve as filters for how we see ourselves, how we see other people, and how we see the world. So they serve as templates through which we process the information that we encounter as we live our lives.

What would be a core belief about myself that might mess me up in life?

Oh boy, there are several of those. Just listening to your clip there, I?m reminded of the core belief that a lot of people have, that they see themselves as a failure. If you are one of those people who catches yourself?well, let me back up, because a lot of times core beliefs are unconscious, and so we don?t even catch ourselves. We don?t actually realize what we?re telling ourselves.

I actually had a guy not too long ago who said, ?I guess I?ve been telling myself all this time that I?m a loser and I?ll never amount to anything.? Fascinatingly, he realized his dad always told him that when he was growing up, but he didn?t realize that he continued to tell himself that. So that belief of being a failure is a really big one that a lot of people struggle with.

So that?s one core belief about yourself. What about a core belief about others that a person might have?

Well, some people see others as incompetent or never able to do the right thing.

Stupid. You can?t trust anybody.

Yeah, untrustworthy, those kinds of things. Depending upon exactly what the belief is, you might act in different ways or feel different ways. But people who see others as incompetent or never able to do the right thing oftentimes walk around life feeling angry, irritable with people, and never seem to be happy with life. If we see people as not trustworthy, we?re probably going to be more prone to not wanting to be vulnerable, keeping secrets, not opening up, not sharing what?s going on, or those kinds of things.

So some commitment problems with marriage, or you?re dating, dating, dating, but you can?t commit. It could be that you?re just afraid to take that chance because you have a core belief that good things can?t happen to you. That could be one self-belief about the self, or that other people will always let you down.

Yeah, absolutely. Those are two really big ones that a lot of people struggle with. Those come from experiences that people have had in the past where people have let them down or people have hurt them. They?ve come to perceive themselves as vulnerable or not able to succeed, or those kinds of things. So they act in ways that serve to keep them safe, whether it?s getting angry with people or defensive.

Some people don?t believe that quite as strongly, maybe, and so they?re able to get along socially pretty well with people and have some good social skills and surface-level friends. But they put those walls up and don?t let anybody get too close. Those walls work for people who are trying not to be hurt, because they keep people from hurting them again. But the problem is they keep out the people who might hurt them, and they also keep out the good people who could help them.

Right, or friends, potential friends. Without taking a risk, they never find out that not everybody is untrustworthy, not everybody is going to hurt them. In order to break through that barrier, to let your wall down, what do you need to do? What would a cognitive therapist do to help a person break down that wall?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship.

Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is.

The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What would a cognitive therapist do to help a person break down that wall?

Well, you?re right. It is a matter of starting to be willing to take a small risk and maybe identifying one person that is currently in your life that you think might be worth taking a small risk for. A lot of people aren?t willing to take that risk, and so they live their entire lives with their walls up, keeping themselves safe but never really experiencing any intimacy or happiness or joy or support or those sorts of things.

And sometimes blaming it on the world.

Right. It?s everybody else?s fault.

Everybody else?s fault. ?If only.? That?s always the easy answer, isn?t it?

Right. So what are some other common destructive beliefs about oneself that we carry around?

Well, I mentioned the vulnerability belief. A lot of people see themselves as being vulnerable to harm or unsafe. I?m thinking of a lady that I?ve been working with who?s in her 30s. She was abused by her father and went through several other horrible things growing up that caused her to see herself as vulnerable and the world as unsafe.

As recently as last week, her husband reached up to the refrigerator to get out a jug of milk, and in the corner of her eye she saw a hand go up. Because those two beliefs were filtering it in such a way that when somebody raises a hand, she?s in danger, she still flinches to this day. Because she filters everyday events in that way, she perceives there to be danger in many situations in life when there really isn?t any actual danger.

So what she would need to do is really work and see her husband raise his hand a hundred times or see other people raise their hands and realize that there are two categories. One category where the hand will come down and hit you?that was from her childhood. And another category where people are just getting a jug of milk or doing something that is not harmful, or even going to shake your hand.

That?s right.

That?s right. You can do those sorts of exposure techniques, doing those things over and over and having them look at how they?re thinking about it in each situation. The goal is to help them realize that just because certain things happened in the past with certain triggers doesn?t mean they?ll happen in the present.

So if a person feels unlovable or feels that they?re a loser or feels somehow inferior or defective or feels like a failure, they don?t have to go through life having that unchallenged, as if that?s just a given. They could go see a cognitive therapist, such as yourself. This is Dr. Jeff Riggenbach. They could work on these problems so that they would develop a whole skills basket that would help them put their lives back together in a much better way.

Oh, absolutely. That?s one of the things that I love about cognitive therapy. It gives people hope?people who thought that maybe their life was hopeless or that they didn?t have any help and have struggled with the same sorts of feelings?depression, anxiety, irritability, whatever hurtful emotions they?ve experienced?over and over and over. They assume they will always have to feel that way.

A lot of people who work with this sort of therapy come to see that they don?t have to continue to feel those feelings, and they don?t have to live life in the way they?ve been living it previously.

Right. What I love so much?this is Dr. Jeff Riggenbach, a cognitive therapist?but what I love so much about cognitive therapy is your comment that the job of a cognitive therapist is to work our way out of a job, meaning we teach clients thinking skills, the method to challenge negative ideas and problems in their life so they can embrace their life and love it more.

Thank you so much for being with me today, Dr. Jeff Riggenbach.

Thank you for having me.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Partners need to communicate constantly, but no one wants a partner who chatters incessantly about nothing in particular. This drives one crazy, and it leads to tuning out. If the jabbering consists of criticism, the tuning out occurs even faster.

Tell your partner about things that happen to you during the day, being aware of what events might be most interesting. Talk about things you?ve read or heard, memories of your childhood, ideas for future vacations, recent experiences, news items, personal longings, ideas about morality, interesting relatives, your children, new movies or books. The possibilities are endless. Be creative.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.