The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and amazon.com.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I desperately need advice. My mother had an affair with my dad's cousin, and there is the possibility that I am the child from that affair. I'm 29 years old, I'm married, and I've moved out of the country with my husband, and I've been out of the country for several years. I'm in college. I have three siblings. I'm the second oldest. On my visit home last year, I learned about this. I have felt internally torn apart since finding out.

Now, what did she learn? She says that she's always felt like the oddball in her family. This was a very long email, so I'm shortening it. She said for her whole childhood, things never made sense to her. For example, she was told that her uncle was at her birth, but her father wasn't there. She said that nobody told her that her uncle was possibly her dad, but she guessed it. Last year, it seems she was the only one who didn't know about this possibility. My grandmother and sister said they tried to give me hints. So notice, a family secret that's most relevant to you, and you're the only one that doesn't know about it.

She said, here is what I know. My uncle was the first one to hold me after my birth. My father was not there to support my mother. My uncle has been in my life indirectly, paying for things in my life that I was told were from my dad. My mother gave me lots of money before my wedding and made me promise not to tell my dad. I later found out it was from my uncle. He's very wealthy. My uncle sends me money on Christmas and on my birthday. So at this point, I'm throwing up my hands and saying, Oh, come on, why can't you just connect with your uncle? And then I find out that she's never seen her uncle. She's never met with him. She's talked with him over the phone briefly, but that is it. He's now married with his own family, so he's been this very indirect force in her life. She says, I've never spoken to his wife, and I don't know how she feels about me.

So notice that having kept the lie at the beginning, not trying to find out who was the biological father has ricocheted through your life. This is Kathleen, and it has made it so that at the age of 29, you have to find all the puzzle pieces, find out which ones are accurate, and put them together, make sense of it, and then move on and enjoy your life with your husband. Hopefully, she continues.

She said my dad raised me as his own. So at first, I thought, Oh, that's really nice, but I always felt there was something wrong. This is when I start to frown. He has been distant to me throughout my whole childhood. Well, I would say your dad didn't raise you as his own. I would say that your dad raised you as the affair child. The child is a product of mom's deceitfulness, and that is not a loving dad.

When I confronted my dad last year, he said that it's true that my mother had an affair, but they're not sure if my uncle is my biological father. My father would not permit testing, nor would he let my mother tell me. My mother just cried and cried and cried when she found out that I knew. My amazing husband stood by me through all of this. I've been working with a counselor, and I've become depressed and angry. Well, the only one that I really care about now is you, and if you're depressed and angry, I'd love to help you with it.

Kathleen continues, I could go for DNA testing. Both possible fathers do not want me to do it, but they agreed to it. My parents have been fighting over me for decades. I was labeled as the rebel, and my other siblings were good. In DNA testing, mom is afraid that she would never forgive dad for the pain he put her through. If I am dad's child, but it's still true, your mother had an affair with your uncle. That's out of the closet, so mom needs to be upset with herself too.

I tried to be accepted all my life, and I felt I was a disappointment. My parents even threatened divorce at times, and they would threaten custody. They would threaten custody fights over my siblings, but not over me. They ignore my birthday. I have to call my parents to remind them of it, and I am the only one who contacts my siblings. They say they're all too busy. I want to know the truth. I want the DNA testing. How do I break it to them? My sister's getting married in October, and I don't want to overshadow her wedding. I'm in college trying to focus on my work. I'm extremely hurt and confused.

Kathleen. Kathleen, get the DNA testing. Never be afraid of the truth. Never be afraid of facts. The timing is unfortunate with your sister, but even though you say you love her, she doesn't call you on your birthday, and it doesn't sound like she told you the truth. So I would not let you… you've gone. It may overshadow her wedding, but that's the consequence, not of you, but of the family members who perpetrated this. And they don't have to let that happen, but the truth has to come out. The truth only serves you. If it comes out, you find out what happened, you put the pieces together. They'll all have to deal with the consequences of their own actions, whether it's your mother, your grandmother, your father, your sister, your siblings. But you're going to put yourself back together. You're going to know the mystery. You don't have to go through the next 30, 40, 50 years of your life not knowing who's your biological dad. Your uncle may not want to be connected, but you do have a loving husband. So I would put all your energy into being passionate about your life with your husband, the life that you are in control of. You weren't in control of the life that your mom and dad made for you, but you are in control of this life going forward, and I'd make it a glorious one for yourself.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner,

Do you know what an obsession is? Oh, sure, it's like when a guy likes a girl's dresses. Yeah, that's one kind of obsession, but an obsession means that you get so wrapped up in one thing that you forget all the other important things in your life. Now, sometimes obsessions are good, but that's really cute with the kid saying guys like to look up girls' skirts.

Obsessions, in one sense, in a metaphorical sense, are very good. I'm obsessed with my husband. I'm obsessed with my career. I'm obsessed with my life. People use that metaphorically just to say, I love life. I love what I'm doing. I'm so involved in it. I'm engaged. It's soaking up every waking moment of my life, whether it's a hobby that you're in, or you love sports. That's fine, but a true obsession is when you have thoughts that you don't want in your head, and they're thoughts or impulses or images that are disturbing, and you don't experience them like when I think of writing my book. I don't think of this as an intrusive thought. I encourage it. I love the thinking. I sit down and enjoy the process of framing things well, of trying to communicate well. It's not an intrusive thought, it's not an inappropriate thought. But people who have these intrusive, inappropriate thoughts or impulses or images that are not just a little bit extra worried about something in life, but it's pervasive in their own lives, and they try to suppress these thoughts. Oh, don't think about this again. Not this. Why does it keep coming back to my mind? And then they want to neutralize them by saying, Well, maybe if I touch the counter five times, or maybe if I pray, or maybe if I count, I'll get rid of these thoughts. Of course, that doesn't work. It backfires, and the person realizes that they haven't detached themselves from reality. They know the thoughts may be very unrealistic, such as, What if I hurt my friends? What if I hurt my kids? Or, What if I lose control? They have all these what-ifs with something very negative happening. They know that they would never act on them, but they don't know how to get rid of them, and so they use the wrong approaches, and of course, their anxiety escalates.

If you're struggling with an obsessive or obsessive-compulsive disorder, you can get help. Cognitive therapists do a lot of good work with obsessive-compulsive disorders.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Some benefits of open communication on difficult topics, such as thoughts of flirting or cheating, are it diffuses the secretiveness and forbidden fruit aspect of the contemplated affair, which often decreases its appeal. You are no longer Romeo secretly meeting Juliet at the gym, trying to hide it from your wife. Your wife now knows, and you are allowing yourself to face all the facts without evasion. You will be motivated to look at the situation with more scrutiny and deal with the wider consequences of the attraction, such as a possible divorce. You can make choices, such as changing what gym you go to or what time you go, so that you don't continue to tempt yourself.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.