The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com.

Chris, welcome to the show.
Thank you very much. Good morning.
Good morning. What's on your mind?
A situation has come up recently, and I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm a single mom.
Okay, how old?
He's three.
Okay, your son is three. He just turned three, and you're how old?
I'm 42.
Okay. His dad had moved to Texas right after he was born and has not seen him. There's been minimal contact. He now wants to come to California and see him, and I'm a little hesitant, because it's going to be a couple of hours for one day, and then he's going back to Texas. So, I'm afraid of lack of consistency. I wonder if, at the age of three, my son can even understand this. Right now, he doesn't miss him. I have pictures of his dad in his room, but there’s really no communication. He's only sent one present in three years. There’s no voluntary child support, and I want to maintain a good relationship with his dad. I told him I was doing some research to see if it was a good thing for my son to see him, and he was fine with that. He said he was fine with whatever I decide. I just feel that at some point they should have a relationship. I just don't know if this is the appropriate time when what my son needs most is consistency in his life.
Is there a father figure in his life, like a grandfather, or maybe a new boyfriend or a husband?
Option two and three would be very nice. But no, there is a grandpa. There’s also an uncle Jeff that he sees at least weekly.
Okay, so they're the male figures in his life, and they adore him, and he loves them?
Yes, both of them, yes.
Okay, so he’s already got quasi father figures, although not a constant father. Why did his dad suddenly move to Texas?
I don’t know. Supposedly, it was always a dream he had.
Honey, you need to wait one second for me.
Okay, you can tell him I said, "Hi."
Hang on, Connor. Go sit and draw for one minute. I'll be right with you. Okay, he decided this was a dream of his. He always wanted to move to Texas. He got a couple of horses, was living here in California, and just moved. He didn’t want to settle down. When we were dating, I knew him for 10 years. When we were dating, he said that he wanted the same things I wanted, and then when I got pregnant, he freaked and walked away. And I've never seen him again. Since the day I told him I was pregnant, I haven't seen him.
Are there any other things about his character that are warning signs? Is he an alcoholic? You said he doesn’t even voluntarily pay support.
He does pay sometimes, but it’s garnished from his paycheck when he’s working. But there's no consistency in that, either.
So was he a really good person beforehand, and this just freaked him out?
I thought so, but my perception of people has never been accurate. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and end up getting burned.
Good people tend to do that. If you're a rotten person, you tend to look at everyone suspiciously. So here are the considerations that go through my mind.

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Here are the considerations that go through my mind. First, do you want this guy back in your life? Because he may periodically come back, which could cause more headaches if he’s sporadic. He might want to get involved again. Are you considering a relationship with him again?
Absolutely not.
Do you still love him?
I have feelings of care and concern for him, and I want him to be happy, but I cannot be with someone I don’t trust. He walked away, so I can’t trust him, because he could do it again in a heartbeat.
If that’s the case—if he has permanently broken your trust—you want to weigh whether you want him in your life at all. Your son is so young, and he never knew his father. It’s not like he had a father and then experienced an intense loss, like a divorce or having a father walk out later in life. Your son has only known you. Kids in that situation often say, "This is all I ever knew." So, it’s like missing what you never had, right?
Right.
I would say that you need to evaluate his character. If he’s a relatively decent person, and you want him in your life, and it would make life easier because he’d help with parenting, that’s one thing. But if he’s erratic, you have to consider how that might affect your son. Would he act normally, or would he be overcome with guilt, giving too many gifts or being erratic? Your son might conclude that it’s his fault, which can cause issues. There are also legal considerations if you’ve already settled them.

Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"You didn’t put booze in there. Perhaps you should give it to my daughter. It might melt that chilly disposition of hers. She won’t let me see my grandson. I’m cut off from him because I don’t like her treating him like a trained poodle. I swear, that boy doesn’t go to the bathroom without her permission. She fusses over him constantly. She needs to let him run, breathe, live. She won’t even let the poor kid ride a bicycle."

Think about your own childhood. Did you want to run, live, and breathe, or were your parents too controlling, making all of your decisions? Look at the damage done when a parent assumes they're "being good" by controlling everything for their child. The damage is that the kid doesn’t learn to make choices or find his own values. He doesn’t know if he really likes playing the piano or not because he’s been forced into it. Such a child grows up not knowing how to cope with the world. In this case, the grandmother was absolutely right—the kid needed the freedom to swing upside down on the jungle gym and really enjoy himself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, visit DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Does analyzing our emotions take the mystery out of love and ruin it? No, quite the opposite. Real love isn’t based on mystery or fantasy; it's based on causality. When you know the reasons for your love—assuming they're rational—the relationship is stronger and more secure. Without knowing why you respond to someone, you’ll feel out of control, and your emotions will fluctuate without reason. Emotional conflicts will remain unresolved, and communication and intimacy will be undermined.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.