The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

I received an amazing question from somebody about their grandmother, and I think their solution is both darling and disastrous. So, see what you think.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

My grandmother has been suffering from depression and panic attacks. She's 65 years old, is widowed, and lives alone. She is healthy and active, but her depression is keeping her isolated. She was once taken to a mental rehabilitation center after her husband's passing, and she has refused to have another relationship. Her husband passed more than four years ago. Four years ago, she had an encounter with a gentleman, Henry. We noticed a positive change in grandma. She seemed to be happy, and her panic attacks stopped for a full year. She was very excited, but when Henry wanted to take the relationship further, my grandmother refused. She was in fear of losing her self-respect and honor to her deceased husband. The gentleman, Henry, stopped the relationship. After this, her symptoms reappeared, and now they are worse. We've had to take my grandmother to the hospital when, in reality, there is nothing wrong with her, just panic or depression.

We decided to help her out in this manner—here it comes—to invent an admirer for us, the grandkids, and write to her what she wants to hear. We believe that this is the best way to help her. We want to see her happy, but we don't want to make a mistake. Please help us.

Kevin

So, Kevin, I hear that you have two problems. One is that your grandmother is suffering so much when she really could do something to help herself; she needs to rethink things. And the second problem is that it’s a hassle for you. It’s a hassle to have to take her to the hospital and to deal with her griping, her depression, or her panic attacks. And I wonder if there’s a motive in that for her because she stays connected with you that way; everybody worries about her. Just something to consider on the side there.

So, let’s take a look at your solution. You see that she, when she allowed herself to value having a relationship, didn’t have what's called survivor's guilt—that she can’t move on in her life. She may think that if she was truly committed to her now-deceased husband, she can never, ever look at another guy, or at least never go too far with another guy. Well, if she wants to hold on to that belief, she can, but she will rob herself of any happiness. And, okay, what do you get? You get depressed. You isolate yourself. You get anxious and have panic attacks. And that’s not a great way to live. It is your grandmother’s life, though, and it’s her choice. On the other hand, if she were able to question that belief, she could liberate herself and have a good life.

So, let’s take a look at your solution, where you’ve decided to write to her anonymously, telling her everything she wants to hear, because you know her so well as the grandkids. You think that that would help her out, that she would perk up again, and that she could have this distant relationship with no commitment. Obviously, you’re not going to press her to take it a step further because there is no person there—it’s just your made-up person. So let’s take a look at this.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

There is no person there; it’s just your made-up person. So, let’s take a look at this. The first thing that you will lose, Kevin, even if you don’t want to lose it, is your own self-respect because you are lying to your grandmother. And even white lies—this is beyond a white lie—but even white lies do damage beyond what most people would ever imagine. Every time you speak with your grandmother, if you are also pretending to be her bogus lover—this fake lover on the side—I don’t mean romantic partner, because it sounds like she doesn’t want to go there, but at least her admirer. Every time you communicate with her, writing to her—let’s say it’s email just for ease here—you will be aware that you’re deceiving her, and you might try to say to yourself things like, “Well, it’s for her own good. It won’t do any harm.” And I’m going to tell you that that’s not good. You want to be aware because if any of us allows ourselves to deceive like this, especially someone we really love (anyone, but especially someone in close quarters), it becomes easier and easier to use deception as a way of dealing with people, and we totally undermine our view of ourselves as being honest and having integrity. And that’s a mighty high price to pay for grandma being bummed out and wanting a partner to deal with her loneliness.

So now let’s take it straight. Let’s say that it works. You decide to go ahead, you and other grandchildren, or you and your partner, decide to email grandma and pretend that you’re someone who admires her and, you know, strike up a male-female relationship with your grandmother. Let’s say that you are Brandon; we’ll give you a name. And let’s say that she responds and builds a relationship with "Brandon," and she tells him about her grandchildren, and she says, “Oh, my grandson Kevin, he’s so meddlesome. He drives me nuts. I’ve never liked him and his wife—they’re two peas in a pod.” What do you do with that? She’s now talking to you about you, thinking that she has her privacy. Or, let’s say that three months into it, she opens up to "Brandon," and she starts telling "Brandon" about the intimate details of her sex life with her now-deceased husband. Oh my God, you are so violating her privacy, and it’s mighty awkward to have imagery of your grandmother intimate with her husband.

Okay, and what else? What if she falls madly in love with this guy, "Brandon," and she decides that she’s going to challenge her own belief? She learned from having lost the first guy, she decides she’s going to pursue this. And he says he’s in Orlando, Florida, and she hops on a plane to meet him. There is no Brandon there—it’s her grandchildren. Or, let’s say it works for two months, and one of the grandchildren slips up, and she catches on that there’s something funny about these letters. They sound very much like my grandson. You know, it’s so disastrous anywhere you look.

And also imagine this. Imagine if you were lonely and couldn’t find anyone to date, and your grandmother decided she would pretend to be a lovely woman and email you as a bogus person. And you fall in love with this person, not knowing it’s your grandmother, and then you press her that you want to meet her. How do you feel when you discover it’s your grandmother? I don’t think it’s a good deal.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner. Who’s this?

I’m Mr. Bus—next, anger management therapist. You’re in anger management… temporarily. Dissembling is a common tool of the anger junkie. Dave, you have a disease. Would you apologize if you were a diabetic? Of course not. So why do you feel you have to apologize because you’re suffering from TAs?

TAs?

Toxic anger syndrome.

I don’t have TAs.

He’s angry. It’s a sickness, not a crime.

And how many of you buy that—that something like anger problems, yes, they are habits—but how many of you buy that they are a sickness like diabetes, and you can’t help it, and it’s not a crime? You need to learn the skills. That’s from the movie Anger Management. You want to learn the skills if you lose your temper at your kids or at your wife or at your husband or at your elderly parents. If you’re losing your temper all the time and have to live with yourself—not only does everyone else have to put up with you, but you have to put up with you—you want to get the skills. You want to learn the skills to discover how to self-soothe, how to relax your mind with different self-talk instead of getting triggered and having the old records go off, how to understand where the anger might have come from, and how to deal with it differently. You need different coping strategies, and cognitive therapy is great for that. You can go to the website academyofct.org for cognitive therapy and look for a therapist in your neck of the woods if you’re dealing with some anger problems. And if you’re dealing with someone who has anger problems, you might want some supportive therapy for yourself too, or leave them if that’s necessary.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Imagine you’re a woman on a first date with a dashing, handsome man. You’re immediately sexually and emotionally attracted to him. The chemistry seems solid, but then your friend in the police department warns you that this man is a well-known con man who has left broken and domestically abused women in his wake. What do you feel now? Notice what happens to your so-called chemistry. Your new knowledge changes your appraisal of him according to your value standards, and your emotions change as a result—from admiration and pleasure to disgust instantaneously. Chemicals did not cause your new knowledge.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.