The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Now this story of the child that was just dropped off one day by mom and abandoned. Mom wants to come back into his life, and she's asking what to do.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I had a child when I was young. I took care of my son, Joey, for two years, with his dad seeing him on the weekends. I had no family here, and none of my friends had children. I had a lot of problems, and I dropped off my son on a Friday when he was two, and I never went back. I am 27 years old now and married. My husband and I are very happy, and we have a beautiful two-year-old daughter. My life is very different than it was six years ago. My son will be eight this spring. I want to attempt contact, but I was wondering what damage did I do when I left him at two years old? And do you think an eight-year-old boy could handle this complicated situation?

Thanks so much,
Concerned, Sheila.

Sheila, I have no idea how your eight-year-old will feel, nor do I know what damage was done because I don't have any of the details of his current context. But he is not the only one that's concerned in this picture. I notice you think of him as your son, and we'll come back to who else is concerned. But you're thinking of him as your son. Since he only had two years with you, and one of him, he was very, very young, and six years away from you. So notice he's had many more years away from you than he had with you.

I would say that the term "son" in the nurturing, mothering sense no longer applies. It is as if you gave him up for adoption, and now you want to walk back into his life. And I understand that it was very tough for you. You were very young when you had him, and you didn't have the support and couldn't afford or didn't know how to care for him.

So maybe the most appropriate decision, even though it sounds a little bizarre the way you did it, it was bizarre, quite a bit bizarre. It was to, you know, give him up for adoption or to leave him or to have his dad take over.

Now, here are the other people that are involved: his dad and the new wife. If his dad is happily married and settled, they may want nothing to do with you. You may be like a ghost from the past who will haunt them. You're the woman who dumped her kid on the steps years ago. They may not, they may hate you, or they just may not want to be bothered with you. And it may be unsettling, not only for them but for the entire family: the grandmother, the grandfather, everybody involved. For your family, if you've got any family, they may be treating you as the equivalent of debt, which is appropriate.

So let me give it to you from the vantage point of abuse kids.

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So let me give it to you from the vantage point of abuse kids. I worked with abused and abandoned kids, both. Some of them were just abandoned. Some were abused. But I worked for many years with these kids in these very sad situations. And I've also worked with the adults whose mother or father walked out on them when they were very young.

Some of these individuals want nothing to do with the abandoning parent. That means you. They have what you could call an "I've moved on" mentality. They have no interest in a person who abandoned them. They don't want to complicate their life. They don't even experience this person, this biological parent, as a parent—just someone who couldn't handle it and gave up. They now have loving parents, and they don't need the grief of some guilt-ridden individual who wants to walk back into their life and play mommy with them. It's way too late now.

Kids obviously not going to be that articulate. You're talking about this little boy who will be eight years old, Joey, your biological son. So I don't know the context. I've also seen the opposite, though. I've seen situations where children are absolutely haunted by such abandonment. They want to understand why they were dumped, and they have curiosity about the parent.

What was mommy like? Can we see pictures? And they may even be fantasizing that they would have had a loving parent, and they desperately long to meet this parent. Any problems with a current parent or a stepparent, they might be saying to themselves, you know, if my real mom were here or if my real dad were here, they would be so much better. They would understand.

But children also are semi-aware that this invisible parent may not meet their expectations. So in the best-case scenario for you, since you're wanting this, the dad and the child want you back in their lives, and you want to make sure that you really are stable and can handle it.

There's one more person to think about: your own husband and your child too. I mean, you've got a young one now. Does your husband want to get involved in this tangled situation? Your ex-boyfriend should have a say. Your husband should have a say, but you need to talk with your husband first. If he is not just appeasing you and is eager, then you can privately contact your ex-boyfriend, possibly briefly by an email, and you can say something along the lines of the following:

You can say to the dad who's now caring for Joey, your eight-year-old, "I feel terrible that I left you with the full responsibility of Joey and that I loved him. I don't know your current situation or even if you want to share it with me. I am currently more stable. I'm remarried and I have a two-year-old. If you prefer that I try not to contact Joey, I will fully respect that. If you're in a relationship or have remarried and your partner wants nothing to do with me, that is another good reason why I should stay away.

If you want me to be more involved, I have spoken in depth with my husband about this, and he is willing to do so. However, this should not put any pressure on you. I take full responsibility for my poor choices in the past and their long-range consequences. Also, if you think that Joey is better off not having me reintroduced into his life, I will go by your best judgment."

If all systems are go—that is, your partner, if you have one, is fine with this—and you think Joey might benefit, and most importantly, that you want my involvement.

Then before I would ever make any contact, I would want the adults to discuss what the longer-range plans would be. For example, would Joey come to visit me occasionally? Would you want more involvement? Would you want me to visit only periodically, not as a mother figure, but as someone who is currently in that role?

I would be willing to seek professional help on this. I thank you for being a better parent than I was and for not abandoning Joey. I will not contact you again unless you choose to email me back. Please feel free not to do so. If you want no contact, you have no obligation.

I have mixed feelings myself about this, so I don't know how we would work it out further down the line in a way that mutually benefits all involved, nor whether that's even possible. I will fully respect your choice.

So again, those are my words. You can't take my words and just copy them down if that's not coming from your own soul. But you want to be able to form your own words and be true to yourself and speak your mind appropriately, first to your husband to find out if it's okay, to think it through from all angles, and then to contact your ex to find out what would be appropriate, also to seek professional help.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Kenner and Dr. Locke.

Here's another tip for handling unreasonable resistance. Let your partner hear his or her own words. If your irrational partner calls you a coarse name—bitch, pig, ignoramus—or mocks you, you might try repeating their words. "You're calling me a bitch and telling me I'm worthless."

Sometimes hearing his or her own words helps the irrational partner recognize what he or she is doing and to tone it down a bit. If your partner persists in using insulting words, the relationship is likely unfixable. In situations where your partner may pose a physical danger, you must act to protect your safety. First, take physical threats seriously. If you think your partner might harm you, get out of the house, move to a secret location, and get professional help as soon as possible.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.