The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Here's a question I received from Jeanine. Remember a moment ago I was saying, you know, you never go to a therapist if you're fit if you feel your life is perfect and wonderful and you just feel all warm and cushy inside. Well, listen to her problem and see if you relate to it if you've ever been in a similar situation, dear Dr. Kenner. I am 26 years old. I'm married and have been since I was 17 years old. Nine years married. I have two boys, ages two and seven. And my life is great. So why she emailing me questioning me. I'm a stay at home mom, mom. My husband is also great. My life has been perfect. And all of a sudden, one day I woke up feeling really sad and depressed. And I have no idea why. I have felt that way every day since. And that was a month ago. I'm always moody. And I get aggravated really easy now. I'm constantly in a bad mood and yelling at my kids. I also have no interest in sex anymore. And this upsets my husband. What's up with me? Please help. Thanks, Janine.

Janine, whenever you're in what seems like a massive contradiction, a massive conflict inside. Everything in my life. If anyone were to look at my life, they would say you're leading the perfect life honey, you know, you have no right to complain. You've got two lovely boys, you're you've been married, you're in a nice stable marriage, your husband's great. What the heck is wrong with you? Whenever you're faced with a major contradiction like that my life is perfect. And yet, I don't love my wife. My husband is perfect. And yet, I have no desire to be with him sexually. I love my two kids, my two year old and my seven year old and yet, I'm always snapping at them. I'm always yelling at them. What do you do in such a situation? Well, the first thing I would do . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is - the selfish path to romance. A serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance. That is interesting.
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I've always snapping at them. I'm always yelling at them. What do you do in such a situation? Well, the first thing I would do is just get a general checkup with your medical doctor because you do want to rule out thyroid problems. I've seen dramatic cases, very few of them. Most people's problems are psychological, where someone's come into my office, and they've got major depression, really, really sad. But really, when they get there, they go to the medical doctor, they get the thyroid medication fixed, they've got low thyroid, and they come back and they say, You know what, I'm feeling so much better. Sometimes it is just a biological problem that you need. There are things that mimic depression. So just rule that out. Now, I've, I've worked with many people who are in the situation that you're in where they feel like everything's going right. But they're doing that from an external perspective from people looking in on their lives. And there are many good things internally to have the your husband is not an alcoholic. Let's say you're a gambler, and your kids are decent kids, then they're not crazy kids. But you you need to know how to introspect, that's the key skill. You need to know how to ask yourself questions and to know that sight. Psychological problems are causal, that there could be many things if you're feeling sad, maybe you feel lonely and isolated as a housewife. Or maybe you saw a movie with couples embracing and you say, Oh, my husband and I don't do that anymore. Sex has become routine. It's it comes in between diapering that are potty training the two year old and then getting the seven year old off to school. Well, during that period of your life, it is very stressful and it's normal for sex to take a backseat very often. It's a skill to learn how to make sex on a realistic basis, maybe not once every night but once every week, and to also make it personal for you figure out what you love and communicate that to your husband and if it's only a backrub if it's only helping you out with the dishes that may feel sexy when he helps you out. You know he's he's there for you. If you're feeling like this, not an equal division of labor, get Help if you're wanting to not be a stay at home mom, if you're questioning that, look at that closely. The most depressed I ever was in my life was when I tried to be a housewife. That was what I dreamed of becoming since playing with Barbie dolls. And I really wanted more in life and my husband was wonderfully supportive, and I went back to school. So I'm not sure what the issue is. The big thing is despite asking yourself questions, understand that you can understand your own emotions. There's a wonderful book mind over mood on my website, doctor kenner.com that could help you out. And there's a parenting book how to talk so kids will listen and listen. So kids will talk and siblings without rivalry on my website, Doctor kenner.com Dr. Ke nn er.com.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner

Call me with your questions on any problems that you would want to ask a counselor or a therapist. Maybe confiding in a parent, you feel like the parent may spill the beans to their friends or to your friends or to dad or someone that you don't want to know about it or a sibling, maybe spilling the beans to a best friend and you say promise to keep it private. And the best friend doesn't do that. That's what counselors and therapists have for we're there as an opportunity for you to process your own thoughts for you to do your own thinking and to resolve the problems in your life that leave you with negative emotions, guilt, anger, frustration, maybe just a sense of imploding on yourself, you just feel real sad and lonely. People don't seek a therapist because their life is perfect because they're happy because everything's going smoothly and they just feel warm and cushy inside and they don't seek a therapist for that is the problems that really tie you in knots. And there are many that you can resolve on your own. But when you get to those that you can not resolve on your own. That's when therapy pays off. Assuming that you get a nice rational therapist, a decent therapist because therapists do vary all over the board. I recommend cognitive therapy this website Academy of ct.org or you can go to my website, Doctor kenner.com Dr. K e n n e r.com and link to their website to find a therapist in your neck of the woods. That's a that's cognitively trained and again, you always want the chemistry to be there with a therapist.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

What do you do when your partner resists your efforts to resolve conflicts? And what do you do when your differences cannot be resolved? There are two types of resistance reasonable and unreasonable. Unreasonable resistance involves manufacturing ploys to avoid thinking or evading the subject. Right, you're wrong period. For example, Judy tells Lance that she does not want him to go hiking. If Lance responds to Judy's resistance by telling her No way. Am I going to any stupid beach resort like you want? The possibility of conflict resolution has been sabotaged. And if you respond with a knee jerk reaction becoming angry your partner's initial resistance, you undercut chances for good conflict resolution and compromise.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com