The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Tammy, you have a coworker who harasses you.

Yes, I do.

What's going on?

It just recently started. Everything was fine. This person was not bothering me, and now it seems like every time they get a chance, they're just kind of like nitpicking at me. I really don't know how to react because I never had a problem with this person before.

So how long have you worked? Is it a guy or a gal?

It's a guy.

And how old is he?

I'm not quite sure, probably in his 30s.

Okay, and you're how old?

I'm about to be 38.

Okay, so a younger kid?

I'm calling him a kid, yeah.

And you've worked with him for how long?

Not really long because he hasn't been there that long. I'm gonna say maybe six months at the most.

Okay? And you guys got along okay beforehand?

Yes, yes, we did. But, I mean, I've seen him do this with other people, so I don't know. In a way, since I'm older, I'm thinking maybe I'm the new target, or, you know, that kind of thing. I'm getting that kind of feeling, but I just feel like I'm having to be on the defense all the time, and I shouldn't be because I don't owe anyone an explanation of what I'm doing, you know, while I'm on my job and how I do it, because I've been doing it for a number of years.

So can you give me just a shortened example of something he does that gets under your skin?

Well, every time that he comes around and I'm doing my job—not every time, but most of the time—he'll just be like, you know, “Oh, we need to get this together. We need to get this right.” Kind of like he's joking, yeah, but he doesn't do it for my coworker. So, you know, then I'm on the defense. At first, I was like, “Oh, he's just kidding,” and so I just kind of laughed it off. But now it's more often, and I find myself, you know, like, “Hey, you know, I've been doing this a long time, you know, check my resume.” And then I'm like, wait a minute. Why am I doing that? He's not my boss.

Right, right. And it's just starting to bother me, and I don't know how to handle it properly. You know how to what to do?

Okay, so there's one key skill that I love to use in a situation like this, and Tammy, that's that if someone comes to me and says, “I don't know exactly what is the task that you might be doing” that he comes over and says, “Hey, we need to get this right.” What?

Well, I mean, what I do is I'm a cook, and he'll just come in and say, “Hey, hey, you know, we need to get this right.” He's not even a cook. It's myself and another lady in the kitchen.

Yeah, he does not do it. So you're a cook in a restaurant or in another establishment?

Well, it's another establishment, but, I mean, it might as well be a restaurant. It's cooking.

Okay, I got it.

Okay. So if he comes over and says, “Hey, we need to get this right,” your first attitude was to just think, “Oh, he's busting, he's kidding,” and you let it roll off of you. And he kept needling you, and it's demeaning what he's saying. Because when someone says, “Oh, we need to get this right,” who is the “we” you need to get this right? So it's critical.

It definitely is critical.

So one of the things you do is you step outside of the situation. If someone said to me, “Ellen, you're not cutting the onions right,” there are two things that are happening in that sentence.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

Ellen, you're not cutting the onions right. There are two things that are happening in that sentence. One of the things is whether or not I'm cutting the onions right. That's the content. Those are the words he's using. Can you hear that? The second thing is the manner of delivery. He could say to me, “Ellen, you're not cutting the onions right. Let me show you how to do it.” He could say, “Ellen, you're not cutting the onions right. Let me show you how to do it.” Can you hear there's a different manner of delivery?

Yeah, and so I take my focus completely off the onions—the content. And the skill is called a content-to-method shift. His method of delivery has captured my attention much more than cutting the onions. And so instead of saying, “I've been doing this all my life, check my resume. I'm best in onions. I got best in onions in the kitchen when I was a kid,” right? Instead of getting caught up in the content of onion cutting, I'm going to go to, “You know, I notice you phrased it in a way you just said to me, ‘Oh, we need to get this right. Help me understand where that's coming from.’” So I shift the focus away from onions.

You know, I notice your tone of voice, and I notice your kind of your arms are crossed, and you're looking down at me. Tell me what's up. Let me help me understand you better. What's going on?

So can you see that I'm shifting away from onions, and I'm calling him on his method of delivery?

Okay? Now that you can practice that, because that's not that easy. If you give me another example with him, you can be him for a second. I can show you how it works.

Well, you know, like I said, it's just, and if I try to respond, you know, then you get some attitude. So therefore, I don't want to follow through because I don't want to become an argument. You know what I mean? You know, it’s silly to me.

Okay, are you picking on me about something that you know I’m sitting over here doing what I’m supposed to be doing?

Well, that's exactly what you can say to him. That is the content-to-method shift that you just used.

I really? Yes, you know, this is silly. Notice your tone of voice was natural. You weren't biting the bait. This is silly. Why are you mentioning this? Why do I feel picked on? You can say, “I feel picked on. Help me understand you better. Help me, you know. Why are you doing this?” And if you say it with—can you hear the kind of smile in my voice?—I’m not letting myself get rattled by him. I'm just going to say, “Oh, guess he's doing something. He's doing his thing again.”

So another thing you can do is pretend that you're in a sitcom and you need some color in the sitcom, and that he provides a lot of color. So it’s going to—a lot of people will tune in to watch the dynamics between you and him, and that sometimes puts a smile on your face, and it diffuses that edginess in it for yourself, and you treat him differently.

So thank you so much for the—thank you, Tammy. Have some fun practicing that.

Okay, okay, you're welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

So what this is about, Mom? No, all right.

Sure doesn’t help remind me what a great lady she was. When you've been married for 35 years, you never thought there'd be anybody else, and one day you hear yourself say, “I love you” to another woman. Maybe, Dan, you'll understand what I'm going through.

It's probably natural to feel that way.

My God, I understand exactly what you're going through.

You don't. No, you don't. You don't understand at all.

Dan, that was a time back when my first marriage was breaking up. I was talking to Mom. I said, “All right, Mom, give me one good reason for me to ever let myself fall in love again.” She said, “Because I said so, and I'm your mother.”

And that's very cute. That's from “Frasier” talking to his dad. And boy, there's a lot of emotion in that. You know, when you meet someone new after you've been in love with someone and you lose them, they die, they've passed away, and how do you give yourself permission to love again? How do you give yourself permission to not feel like you're betraying your first partner, your first wife or husband, and move on in life without—and while still keeping the memories of your—in Martin's cases, his wife alive, keeping them very warm.

I think of my mother-in-law, and I keep her memory in my mind—not all the time, obviously—but it's a warm memory. There are times when I'll see something, some flowers, and I'll say, “Oh, Mom would love that.” And it's not painfully sad anymore; it's warm. But initially, of course, it's sad.

So Martin needs to give himself permission to move on. And I think “Frasier” is really cute when he said that, Mom said, “Because I said so.”

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

There are a few assertiveness tips that may help you express yourself more effectively.

One, limit your complaint to the most pressing issue. Deal with one issue at a time, using examples as needed and make it the most important one. Overwhelming your partner with a litany of complaints will shut down the conversation abruptly. No one can manage even three issues at once.

Two, do not be afraid to express strong emotion, provided this is not done with malice or with “you” language. “You always,” “You never,” but with frankness. For example, “I'm furious. Now, I'll be back in half an hour to talk about what happened.” Your partner needs to know the intensity with which some conflict is affecting you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.