The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is a very sad email I received from a father.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, my nine-year-old daughter, Megan, died weeks ago. She was born with a heart defect and had been on and off a transplant list, but she died. I'm having a terrible time with this. She was my whole life, and I loved her dearly. I don't know what to do anymore.

Steve, so why is this more difficult? Well, it's really obvious, Steve, that you have gone through years of trauma, first with her having a heart defect, second with waiting for her on that transplant list and just being so hopeful that something would come about, and it just never happened. And third, that you have lost the love of your life, your daughter. So it is an untimely death. It leaves you powerless. You could not have saved her, but I'm sure you have a lot of unanswered questions and you miss the rhythm of your life with her. The one thing you will always have that no person in the world can take away from you, Steve, is the uniqueness of the special bond that you and Megan had together. Her smiles, her laughs, her giggles, the warm moments with her, the teaching moments, the sadness you might have had with her, and all of the pleasure you had with her, you will have those memories from a lifetime.

Now, does that make the grief any less? No, it doesn't. What you need right now, the number one thing, is to respect yourself, to pay attention to yourself. If you need time to grieve, and you don't want a lot of people in your life, go for it. If you want the emotional support, be very selective of the people you choose in your life. You want them to not say, "Oh, you can get over it. You know, it's time to move on." You don't want that, obviously, and you don't want people to look at you pitifully. You want to be able to have people that you feel at home with, and there are so many reactions when we say grief. People respond very differently, even within the same family. One person just is very tough and holds in all the emotions. Another person can't release the emotions at the slightest provocation.

Be easy on yourself. It's an enormous loss, and you're going to have emotions, internally or externally, everywhere, from sadness, loneliness, anger. Anger may be at the system. Guilt. Why didn't I do enough? Maybe survivor's guilt. You know, she should have lived, and I should have gone. Parents often feel that in these horrific situations. But my main point is you want to have a lot of empathy for yourself, and you want to take care of your everyday needs. And when I'm saying that, I mean physically monitor your sleep, make sure you're not sleeping too much or not sleeping at all.

Of course, you might have difficulty sleeping, and maybe your doctor temporarily could give you a sleep aid to help you through that, or you could look up online sleep hygiene for some tips to sleep. And if you can't sleep, don't beat up on yourself, but you do want to try to get that ability to recoup. You want to eat properly, and you may not be able to focus. You may experience some flashbacks or maybe some intrusive thoughts. You might hear Megan's voice. That's all normal. You might even think you see her because you've been doing that for nine years. So you turn around a corner in your home and you expect to see your daughter, and she's not there, and you feel the horrific pang of grief.

That is what grief work is. In fact, that's what it's called. It's called grief work because your mind needs to recognize across a range of experiences and over time. That means over birthdays, over holidays such as Christmas, holidays, Easter, and other holidays, July 4, that she's no longer in your life. And that is painful. It will be very difficult with other people too. Hopefully, you have some people that feel at home with you and are very supportive.

But it's painful if you're with another couple whose kids, nine-year-old kids, are doing quite fine, thank you, and they're playing with their dads. Be prepared. And I'm sure you've already felt this, that it's a bittersweet feeling that you love to see their love, of course, and you feel angry and hurt and jealous that you don't have that. Milestones will be painful: graduations and weddings. You know you can expect to miss out on not having Megan in your life. If friends might pull away a little bit, if their kids are in the nine-year-old range or in any range, they might feel awkward, and they may not know how to handle being close with you, knowing you've had such a horrific loss.

Those friends that rise above that, or if you can help those friends connect again, go for it, because they need some help too. They don't quite know how to handle the situation. The biggest, deepest problem that can happen is you might be afraid to love again. You never want that to happen. You might say to yourself, "I'll never let myself get that close to someone again like I did with Megan, because the loss is so great, I can never go through this pain again." You want to be able to challenge those thoughts. Granted, you might not be able to do that initially, but eventually, you might want to be able to say something along the lines of, "This is the most painful experience I've ever gone through, and it's a tribute to my love for Megan. Had I not loved her as deeply as I do and did, I would not experience this intensity of a loss. I will always have my loving memories of her and knowing that I have the capacity for love. I want to be able to cherish that. Megan would want that for me."

I want to know I'm going through a transition period now. However, I also want to be able to look on the other side and start planting the seed that I want some purpose in my life, whether it's a career, a hobby, friends, good relationships, or all of the above in different degrees that I want to build. What I heard after 9/11, you want to build a parallel life for yourself. Now that's nothing mystical. That just means you want to be able to grieve and parallel to your grief. You want to start focusing on what brings you joy in life.

Megan would cheer you on. If she loved you as much as you love her, she would cheer you on. And she would say, "Dad, yes, continue reading, or continue with your hobbies, or make those for keep those friends, or look for some romance." And you want to be able to do that, and just recognize that people grieve very differently. So never make anyone make you feel badly for that.

So listen, I wish you the best with that. It's one of the most excruciating pains that a person can ever go through, the loss of a child that you adore. And just to know that there are support groups you might already be in personal counseling, pick your support groups well and really try to build up a support network for yourself, where you can cherish yourself and your memories of Megan, while you also build a new purpose in your life.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

NAD, here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path of Romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke. Most couples make precious little time for romantic moments. Making a relationship work and keeping the romance alive takes motivation, time, planning, and communication. Even small misunderstandings can destroy a romantic moment, and accumulated, festering misunderstandings can destroy your romance. When you are juggling dual careers, work schedules, kids, paying bills, in-law visits, checking email, doing laundry and dishes, and getting daily exercise, how do you find the spare time for romance?

Notice a problem with the way this last sentence was phrased: "spare time." What ranking was romance assigned? Where did it come in terms of priorities? It is true that active, productive people have to make time for sex, but intimacy shouldn't be relegated to the category of a spare time activity. You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.