The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Sherry, your husband has some anger problems.

Yes, I mean, he's had it his whole life, and he doesn't know how to control his anger. I know he had that problem whenever he was a little boy too. But, I mean, we can just like, be driving down the road. It seems like everybody is always in his way. And I mean, we own our own business and everything, and he's always in a rush everywhere we go. And it's like everybody's in his way, and everybody needs to get out of his way. We have kids, grown sons that have made bad choices in different areas of their life, and they're causing different problems, and so that causes him to get more frustrated and everything. My husband's had a heart attack in May, and, but I mean, I'm the one that usually the anger usually gets directed my way, and I'm the one that gets all the shock absorbers.

You're the shock absorber.

Yeah.

So I just get tired of it. I mean, I've been married to him for 28 years. I get verbally abused and, you know, I mean, I have been physically abused too, here and there. And I just don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if he needs to be on medication. He doesn't want to go to counseling. He said he didn't, you know, it's not gonna do no good to tell somebody else's problems. And so, I mean, I just don't know. I don't know what to do with him. I mean, he's a great guy, but whenever this anger comes about, you know how frustrating.

How often does it happen? You said, whenever daily, is it weekly, or is it weekly?

We would say weekly.

What's the worst it's gotten with you when you say physical abuse?

Well, he's like, pushed me down. He's taken his fist and hit me in the arm before. In my younger years, he blocked my eye, and it's just, I mean, he says really mean things to me that just kill me, or, you know, or if you come back to this house, there's gonna be a gun waiting for you and, you know, and stuff like that. But it's all whenever he's at that really angry time, you know, of his life, and then it's like, whenever that's passed, then it's like, you know, I feel I'm hurt from what he said to me, but I'm supposed to just get over it, you know? And I mean, that's what he tells me, I was mad. You should understand that, you know, just get over it, okay and go ahead and it's just, I mean, it's hard because, I mean, I'm a girl, and whenever he says mean stuff to me, especially, you know, I got a gun waiting for you and this and that, you know, it's hard to just get over that kind of stuff. And I just don't know what the answer is. I don't know what to do with him. I don't know what the answer is.

He has guns in the house.

Yeah, he uses them.

How many times have you wanted to leave him?

How many times have I wanted to leave him? Yeah, oh, a lot of times. I mean, he, like, right now he's got, we have some property out of town, and he's gone there because of me. He dumped me off at my mom's house yesterday. Because, I mean, sometimes I just can't put up with the way he's acting and so I just don't want to be around him. And so he took off and went out of town for a few days. I mean, it's just, I mean, it's just, I don't know, it's just not, we can't ever discuss anything like in a normal fashion. You know, it's like everything, if you try to discuss a problem or anything. I mean, both of our sons are getting a divorce at the same time, and, I mean, there's all kinds of issues that bring on the anger and stuff, but it's just he doesn't know how to deal with like life situations, I mean, life, and just doesn't know how to deal with it. He deals with it in an irrational way, instead of just sitting down and saying, Okay, we got this problem, this problem. Let's work through it. We don't do that.

Could you do that on your own? Sherry, if you decided to leave him, you would have safety issues to deal with, obviously, because if he's got abandonment issues, if he's got control issues, if he's got maybe I'm not lovable issues, if he, it sounds like he needs to control the boys, and that may right. He needs to be controlled. To control you, he needs and that's a man out of control. That's a man who's insecure. That's a man who does not like his own decision making and doesn't want anyone to call attention to it, which is why he can't use reason with you, because...

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

It's a man who does not like his own decision making and doesn't want anyone to call attention to it, which is why he can't use reason with you, because it will shine a light on his own bad choices. And if his policy is to push away that self-knowledge, to never face it, to never let it get too close to the surface, then when it starts to get a little closer to the surface, like if you bring up someone getting divorced, well that's been in the background of your life for how many years? 28 years, probably. Then it's too close for comfort, and he'll use his coping strategies, which are awful. They're attacking your life; they're threatening your life.

So I would say, get your focus. I wanted to use a word I can't use on radio, but get your focus off of him fundamentally and onto yourself. Whose life is this? My life. It's your life, and the quality of your life, at whatever age, matters. It really matters, and you're wanting your life, but you don't know how to disengage from him. There is a book you can get that's an older book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. I'm not saying he can't be nice at times, but so can the worst criminal. If you've been in an abusive relationship, which is exactly what it is, you can even Google signs of abuse, and you will get, I mean, he's gone way overboard. When I used to work with veterans who had killed people and asked, you know, and you look at their romantic relationship, I would ask questions such as, do you know? Have you ever yelled at each other? Is there any kicking or punching or biting or pushing downstairs or threatening? At one end point, you have threatening a life. That's the most serious, so he's already been there. So you are in an abusive relationship. That means you have to deal with safety issues. That means you need a therapist ASAP, a personal therapist. You can just tell him you're going in, you know, you don't have to. You need to deal with the safety issue so you don't have to go in. I'm going in to see how I can leave you. You can just say, you know, I want some advice on how to manage a few situations or something. You can leave it somewhat vague if you want, right? But I would go to the Academy of CT, Academy of Cognitive Therapy.org, and there you can find a cognitive therapist in your area to deal with this issue. I think it's beyond a marital issue. I think it's an abuse issue. I think that he's not open to reason from what you're telling me, and it's so long that, I mean, the pattern's there. He could change himself, but he's not asking that. So you can figure out how to liberate yourself, and if you've got a lot of skills, or can gain some skills to work and live independently, I think you want to open that up as an option for yourself.

Listen. I want to thank you so much for your call. Your call. Thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I'd like a petite filet mignon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked just lightly seared on either side. Pink in the middle, not a true pink, but not a move either. Something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.

Okay? And that's from Niles Fraser. That's Niles and his picky eating habits.

And think about eating in your life or with your family. You know, eating, the whole focus on food, can become a power struggle. You've got to eat. I told you you've got to eat, or don't eat those chips. I told you not to eat those chips. And you just see the whole family dynamics coming out around the area of food, or sometimes it's for attention getting, you know, Mom, you're eating meat, and they're a vegetarian, but they may not be a vegetarian because they truly believe in it. It may be other issues that are driving them to just get back at mom or to get some attention from mom.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

What if, as is often the case, you learn that you and your partner do not like exactly the same methods or techniques of intimacy? This is a common situation. Consider occasionally stepping out of your comfort zone and trying experimenting with things your partner likes. There is great selfish pleasure in giving pleasure because you treasure your partner. But if you strongly dislike some activity, your partner needs to fully respect your right to say no. Finding different ways to give one another pleasure is an exciting part of your relationship, and when the relationship is trusting and passionate, partners are usually more willing to experiment.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.