The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Steve, you're dealing with some intimacy problems, yeah?

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, I have high blood pressure, and as a result of that, I take certain medications, yeah, and it has sort of an unwanted side effect. Okay? And I think my wife thinks that I don't want to, and it's not that I don't want to. And then I just wonder if I can't perform. And I actually think that that makes it worse.

Oh, certainly, because she would have some anxiety around that. You know, if you have that tension between you, of her doubting, "Do you want me or not?" If that's what's going through her mind?

Yeah. Then what have you tried?

Well, you know, I haven't really tried anything.

Yeah. I don't know what I should try.

Okay, well, has she Googled high blood pressure medication, or does she have the knowledge that that's one of the side effects?

Well, no, I don't really talk about it that much.

Okay, she needs information. If that happened with my husband and I didn't know what was going on, and if he said, "Well, it's some sort of medication," or even if he said, "It's high blood pressure medication," it definitely leaves open a question mark in my mind. Is that all it is, or is it me? Or is there somebody else in his life? Or am I less desirable? Maybe I'm getting older, or, you know, my mind can go wild with self-doubts and concerns. If I know, if, let's say that I go to the appointment with him, and I find out from the doctor that, you know, one of the side effects is this. And I look at the timeline and I say, "Oh, yeah, that's when you started having problems." What does that do for me? If I'm in the position of the wife, right?

I mean, I didn't like talking about it much, and she never goes to the doctor with me.

Okay? But that's information that you could get from your doctor, or you could have her touch base with your... She needs it from a reliable source. And it doesn't mean that all her worries will go away. It just means that at least you've established a very strong possibility, you know, a very strong cause and effect. Have you spoken to the doctor? Is there anything else he can give you in conjunction? I'm not a medical doctor, but in conjunction—

Well, you know, I don't really like talking about it. Seems kind of embarrassing. I don't know.

Okay, it is for most people, I should say. You know, after a while, we lose our embarrassment, and it's something that... I mean, it's difficult to talk about. However, they're doctors. Guess what they study, right?

And my doctor is a female doctor, which kind of actually makes it worse.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. So if you could either practice saying it to your doctor, or you could get a second opinion from a male doctor, or you could just Google it and get information. You could do the Googling and print out a paper that says, "This is the medication I am. Here's my prescription, and I'm embarrassed to talk to my doctor about this. Here's the side effect," and you just circle it. You know, you just give it to your wife, and it's not you at all, honey. Then she needs some evidence that it's not her. Are there some problems between you that she may be thinking, "Oh, maybe it's because he's angry at me because of this," or "There's a long-standing chronic issue we've had." And, you know, is there something else in the background?

Well, I mean, not any more than most people. As far as arguing goes, I think we get along fairly well.

Okay. Well, if she has that awareness that our relationship is pretty good... How long have you guys been married?

About 22 years.

22 years. Okay, I'm smiling because you guys know each other so well, correct? Although I should take that for granted. But so sexually, is it just going a little on automatic? Is that a part of it too?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here? It is The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So sexually, is it just going a little on automatic? Is that a part of it too?

Yeah, I don't know. You just get anxiety.

Tell me about that.

It makes it worse, you know.

Okay, so let's say that the woman had the problem. Let's say that she's gone through menopause and things have changed anatomically, and it's either more painful or it's just harder for her. Would you... let's say that happened to your wife? Would you want her to let you know, or would you want her to just be a little shy about it and not tell you why she was pulling away?

Well, I want her to let me know. It's just easier for a female to go ahead than it is for a guy, because it just doesn't happen. It doesn't happen.

Okay, well, most guys, when they hit their 40s and 50s, guess what happens?

Yeah, exactly. It is normal. It is natural. Almost everybody has it, and almost nobody talks about it. You know, it's just like, I'll use an example for radio. But you know, if you have a little flatulence, a little gas, you know, nobody talks about their gas all the time. Guess what? I had such a hard time. I had some gas; it wouldn't come out. Nobody talks about that, right? And so there are areas we don't talk about. But what a relief it is if you and your wife could open up a conversation on that, because it would reduce your anxiety and reduce her fears. And man, if you could even go... I would want to say to a couples session with a therapist who's very comfortable with the things I can't say on the air, but the anatomical parts... and you guys would both be laughing, you know? It would just be natural when you learn that it's just a natural function of the body. Just like, you know, I'm... I look very young for my age, but when I started to go through menopause, I started to get some... oh, I hate to say this, but a few hairs on my chin that freaked me out. But I'm talking about it openly now, because that's just what happens at that age, right? And almost everybody does that. Now, I've had them taken off, not surgically, but with a laser, and they're gone forever, hopefully. But, you know, I went and I made some changes, and I'm not afraid of talking about it. You want that same liberty, especially with your partner of 22 years.

So partly it's getting information. Partly it's, you know, opening up the conversation with her. Partly it's easing your anxiety, telling yourself it's normal, not a big deal. And if there's medication to talk about it, please give yourself permission to talk to your female doctor. And if you don't feel comfortable, have a second opinion with a male doctor. Just tell her there are some issues you'd prefer talking about with a male doctor. Could she recommend one for you? And you could just talk with that male doctor on those issues. You know, if you feel more at home with that, and you want to normalize it, because you want to get back some of that closeness, that emotional intimacy and that sensual intimacy.

Listen, I want to thank you so much for your call, and I want to recommend my book. It's called The Selfish Path to Romance that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke. You can get it at DrKenner.com. Steve, we talk about intimacy. We talk about opening up the conversation and a lot more. Thank you so much for your call.

Okay, thanks for more.

Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Emotional intimacy is the most fundamental prerequisite for sexual interest in arousal and pleasure in a successful, long-term relationship. Emotional intimacy is a feeling of psychological closeness to your partner and the result of the quality of the whole relationship. Attraction and desire are greatest when you feel visible to your partner. You selfishly value your partner and are selfishly valued in return. You understand the causes of your love. You work toward making yourself lovable. You choose the right partner. You feel understood and valued, and you communicate well. You also feel that your partner is emotionally and openly expressive in ways that create a positive emotional climate.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.