The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Beverly, how'd you know?
Because I hired a detective.
Yeah, I thought you were having an affair. It's ridiculous.
I know. Okay. Well, you could have told me about it, though, couldn't you?
You just completely left me out. Why didn't you tell me, John? You've got to answer that.
It was ashamed as what?
Of dancing?
No, no, none of what. I need to be happier when we have so much.

And that is from the movie Shall We Dance? It's a fun, fabulous movie, but that emotion of wanting to be happier and feeling guilty, feeling ashamed—is that an earned guilt, or is that an unearned guilt? And that's our topic today, talking about guilt and different types of guilt.

Do you think you're powerless to do anything about your guilt? Are all your feelings of guilt equally valid? We are going to talk about that with Dr. Steve Orma. He's a clinical psychologist and a coach in the San Francisco Bay Area specializing in helping adults overcome anxiety and stress-related issues. Welcome, Dr. Orma, and let's talk about guilt.

Dr. Orma: Let's talk. Okay, lying to a good friend, cheating on a spouse, stealing from your boss, manipulating a sales clerk, not pleasing your parents, your husband, your boss, your wife, not performing perfectly on a test or doing a project to perfection, not winning a game or a competition, getting an A-minus, not an A on a test, and teaching a dance lesson and feeling you didn’t do your best—are those all the same type of guilt?

Dr. Orma: No, I would say that we have two different kinds of guilt in there. We have the earned type of guilt and the unearned type of guilt.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, let's start at the beginning. What is guilt?

Dr. Orma: Well, guilt is an emotion that we feel when we think we've acted against our own moral standards. For example, if we lie to a friend, and lying or being honest to a friend is a moral standard and we lied to them, we're going to feel guilt. Another example would be cheating on a spouse; if it’s important for you to be honorable in your marriage and you cheat, then you're going to feel guilt, and that would be a justified guilt.

Dr. Kenner: But if somebody yelled at me because I'm not wearing a burka, would I feel guilty?

Dr. Orma: I would not feel guilty. Why wouldn’t I feel guilty? I would be laughing because it's ridiculous. The fact that you're not wearing a burka is not violating any moral standard. It’s an optional choice about what you happen to wear, and that's not something that anybody should feel guilty about.

Dr. Kenner: But someone from another country, someone from the Middle East, if they’re not wearing one and they're wearing hot pants or a sexy outfit, and they see their parents, they may feel some guilt.

Dr. Orma: They might, and I would classify that as the unearned type of guilt. What happens there is a mistake in certain standards. In that kind of society, there are standards like, "You have to wear a burka to be moral, to be a good person or a good woman." If you don’t meet that standard, you may feel guilty, but the standard is false.

Dr. Kenner: So the standard is irrational, right?

Dr. Orma: Exactly right.

Dr. Kenner: When we try to meet irrational standards, such as, "I should be able to get an A all the time," even if I'm studying really hard, or, "I need to be perfect all the time," and we don’t meet that standard, we're going to feel guilty often because it's an irrational standard that you can't really meet.

Dr. Orma: Yes, guilt has a positive value and can be a positive emotion in one sense. Obviously, it's a painful emotion, but it gives us information. It's like an alarm. When we feel guilty, it tells us we’ve taken an action that goes against our value system. It gives us a chance to do something about it, assuming it’s the earned type of guilt. For example, if you lied to a friend, you can make amends. You can identify it because you feel guilty, recognize what you did wrong, and then you can apologize to your friend and commit to not lying in the future. This can help dissipate the guilt.

Dr. Kenner: So if you use guilt as a signal to repair the damage done, then that’s good, definitely if you did damage. Now talk a little bit more about unearned guilt. You have four rules for distinguishing the difference between earned guilt, like stealing, robbing, cheating, and unearned guilt, such as feeling you didn’t please your parents in every single way they wanted or not getting that A-plus on the test when you really did your best. So, what are your four rules?

Dr. Orma: Rule number one is that you're only responsible for your own actions, not the actions of others. Many people feel guilt when they believe they should control what others in their lives decide to do. For example, if their spouse starts drinking heavily, they may feel they should control their spouse and prevent them from drinking. They try everything, but the spouse doesn’t stop drinking, and then they feel guilty because they couldn’t stop them. That’s unearned guilt, as you can’t control what others decide to do.

Dr. Kenner: So you're not responsible for that person; they are responsible for themselves. The second rule you have is that you are not responsible for making other people happy. Tell me more about that rule. I don’t have to make my mother happy?

Dr. Orma: No, you don’t. In fact, you can't, because happiness is an individual achievement. A person has to do certain things to become happy, pursuing certain values, and while you may love and want to help them, you can’t make them happy. You may cheer them up in the moment, but that’s different from long-term happiness.

Dr. Kenner: So they need to be responsible for their own happiness. For instance, a mother who says, "You never visit me, and you make me unhappy"—she needs to have her own life. She can't put that burden on her kids. Another rule you have is to make sure your standards are rational versus irrational. Tell me about that.

Dr. Orma: Right. If you have a standard like, "I need straight A's to succeed," it may be an irrational standard if it causes guilt for anything less than perfection. When college students don’t get an A but work hard, they should feel proud instead of guilty. You can ask yourself if your standard is rational; it's a goal but not something to feel guilty about if unmet.

Dr. Kenner: Your fourth rule is that you should not feel guilty for thoughts or images in your mind, even if they seem immoral. Just a moment on that one.

Dr. Orma: This is a common misnomer. Thoughts and images pop into our minds constantly, without control. It’s important to know that having a thought doesn’t mean you need to act on it.

Dr. Kenner: As long as you don’t act on it, right?

Dr. Orma: Exactly.

Dr. Kenner: And how can we reach you?

Dr. Orma: My website, DrOrma.com. That’s D-R-O-R-M-A.com.

Dr. Kenner: Thanks so much, Steve.

Dr. Orma: Thank you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

Wanting appreciation for your qualities and actions, which we call "visibility," is opposite to seeking approval to erase self-doubt. Love is not about filling self-esteem voids but valuing genuine traits. Parents who act irrationally or fail to show love may instill lifelong self-doubt. Poorly treated children may seek validation in partners, which doesn't work; learning to value oneself is crucial, often with professional help.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy the book on Amazon.