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Sexually Mismatched

Newly married couple is romantically mismatched.

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Dear Dr. Kenner, my husband and I have been married for a year and have been together almost two years. We are both about 50 years old, and I love him dearly. Our problem: my sex drive is way up there. His is not, and he has some age-related problems. Our lovemaking has become a "wham bam, thank you ma'am" thing. He is satisfied, and he doesn't seem to care at all if I'm not. How can I talk to him about this without hurting his feelings?

Katie, well, Katie, I think you talk to him all the time, because we don't just communicate with words. We communicate with those micro-expressions, those momentary looks that we shoot one another, or the dissatisfaction, or the "no, it's okay," you know that tone of voice when you're telling someone it's okay and they know it's not okay. So your choice is either to have what's called masked communication. It's the elephant in the room that nobody ever talks about, but it's there, or unmasked communication—open communication. And open communication can be done in a few different ways. It can be done very crudely, "now I want to tell you a thing or two," or it can be done in a wimpy manner, "do you mind? I'm just wondering. If you have a moment, I'd really like to talk." You know, that doesn't work either. Or it can be done in a self-confident manner: "Honey, I'd love to talk to you about something that I think is a bit difficult for both of us to talk about, and my guess is we're both very aware of it." So it's acknowledging one another. It's acknowledging your hubby's autonomy. And then you can talk about the discrepancy in sex.

So first, the first thing I want to talk about with this is your mindset. If you think, "he never listens to me, he doesn't care about me, it's wham bam, thank you ma'am, he walks away, and then I'm left high and dry, and it's never going to change," and "I was already 50, and that's it," then that mindset, if you bring that into any conversation, you're going to feel resentful, you're going to feel on edge, and he's going to feel that, and you're off and running in the wrong direction. So it's much better to have the mindset of, "I know we can solve this together. I love him dearly." You already said that. "I love him dearly and we're both in our 50s, so sex may be a little trickier at this age, and let's see if we can hear each other and figure out what's going on." So you start by holding the context with him of everything that's good in the relationship. You don't have to do it in, you know, "I like this about you, and I like this, and that and the other," but "our sex is no good." You don't want to do it that way. Instead, you do it in the manner of, "you know, I've had such a good time. I had so many laughs with you yesterday. We had a really good time." You mentioned something that just reminds both of you, with a light brushstroke, that you both love each other, that there's a connection there. Now you're prepared to talk about this.

So you want to first listen to him. "How is sex for you?" And he might say, "You know, it's very good. I have no problems." Or he might say, "I know it's good, and I know that, but I always feel guilty afterwards, because I know it's not good for you." You know, he may open up right away. He may surprise you. So the first thing that you can do that puts you in a more powerful position, Katie, is,

"Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

You know, he may open up right away. He may surprise you. So the first thing that you can do that puts you in a more powerful position, Katie, is to really draw him out. Listen to him without putting in your two cents, if you can do that. Or he might say, "You know, it's much harder for me. I'm in my 50s now, and things have to move a little bit quicker for me," or something else may show up. I don't know what he will say.

Then the next thing is, you want to be able to address the discrepancy. Let's say that he doesn't say any of those things, and you need to bring it up, so you want to do it in a way that's, if I can say this, playful, meaning you don't want to make this a heavy "let's talk about our relationship, let's talk about our sexual relationship. You're not the man I thought you were." You don't want to do it that way. You want to just talk about a discrepancy. You know, "I noticed that I have a little more interest than you do." Notice, I don't say, "I have a huge interest, and you have none." You know, "I have a little more interest than you do," and "let's figure out what's going on, and let's kind of come up with a couple styles, something that works for both of us," because in terms of pleasure, I mean, people can always feel good with themselves, and so you're not at a loss in that sense.

So you talk with him about setting up a couple style, and you can just say, "What feels good for you? This is what feels good for me." So then you can put your two cents in: "This is what feels good. This doesn't. I would love to experiment with this," and you can experiment very gently. I know someone who just recently went to a doctor for sexuality, sexual-related issues, to get Viagra, Cialis, or whatnot. And the doctor recommended a book, an illustrated book that is supposed to be like a manual of sex, but is a beautifully illustrated one. And gosh darn it, I wish I had the name of it; I would give it to you right now. But, you know, you want to be able to talk with him and find out what's bothering him. And there is a book, "Men: A Lifetime of Sex" by Men's Health, and it talks about the changes in the 50s when you're 50 years old for men and for women too, and how to cope with them.

So you want to experiment gently, open up the conversation, and make it fun. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts,

go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

What do you do when differences cannot be resolved, when your partner is consistently irrational and it is not a momentary anomaly? Seriously consider divorce on moral grounds. You have a moral obligation to yourself and to your children to leave. Take some time to plan a safe exit strategy. Seek professional guidance from a psychologist, if necessary. If your abusive partner threatens to leave, don't stop him. He will feel in control, and it will make your separation safer. You never have to be stuck with an irrational partner. You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy "The Selfish Path to Romance" at amazon.com.