Thinking and feelings - allies not enemies - a short interview with seminar presenter Jean Moroney.
The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and amazon.com.
We don't know if he's having an affair. I mean, he could just be involved with, I don’t know, people who get together to invest in things, and the place that they invest in is filled with potpourri, and that's why his shirt smells so sweet when he comes home.
It's possible, yeah, it's possible,
it's possible, it's possible we can find your husband neck-deep in potpourri, investing things. And
that's from the movie Shall We Dance? And of course, if you know the story, she is so very anxious because she is fighting the idea in her mind. Her feelings are getting in the way of thinking, and she's fighting the idea: is my husband having an affair? And she's looking at other possibilities. By the name of the movie, you can tell that the other possibility is he's out learning how to dance. And with me to discuss thinking and feeling and how feelings can get in the way of thinking, and how feelings are sometimes a wonderful source for discovering your thoughts, is a thinking expert. Her name is Jean Moroney Binswanger. She's got a website, thinkingdirections.com, and she has corporate clients, BB&T, Microsoft, Amazon, dot.com, and she has three degrees. She's got two master's degrees, one in electrical engineering and one in psychology, one from MIT, one from Carnegie Mellon. And she's combined all of her training in engineering and psychology with a passion for helping you tackle difficult thinking. She's got a wealth of information to help you solve problems in your life that put you in knots. And with me today is Jean Moroney. Welcome to the show, Jean.
Thank you for having me, Ellen. Oh, it's
fabulous that you're here. Tell me what happens. I know many times I'll be trying to work on a project, and my thoughts will get in the way, you know. I'll be thinking, Oh, I should do this, but really, I'm—you know, I should work on my radio show, for example. But you know, I'm feeling anxious right now, or I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, or I'm feeling doubt right now. What do you do with feelings?
Well, I think the first thing you need to do is to recognize that feelings are a normal part of the thinking process. Because when you sit down to, say, start working on your radio show, some issues, as you said, maybe doubt, are going to get triggered. And they're going to get triggered because of the content. Everything is connected in your subconscious databanks. So I think the very first thing you need to do is recognize that thinking is not an arid activity. You need a way to deal with these feelings as they come up because they are connected to the ideas that you have.
Okay, so let's take a different example. If I'm studying for a test, and I'm just saying I really want to focus on the material—let's say it's biology, and I'm trying to study the nervous system—and I'm studying and studying, and I find that the feelings are getting in the way, what do I do at that point? I'm thinking, Oh my God, what if I fail? What if I don't pass? What if I forget something? What do I do at that point?
Well, okay, great.
What I think is the best thing to do when you're in the middle of a thinking process and some feelings are getting in the way is to start putting them down on paper in words. Now, this may seem a little surprising to you, because a lot of times people think that what they should do in these cases is just suppress the feeling, oh,
I just want to get them out of the way. I've got a test tomorrow. I can't start writing about my feelings if I have to study the nervous system.
Well, you know, there's a funny thing about this: suppression is not always the most effective way to get things off your mind. Think about it this way. Suppose you're studying for the test, and you tell yourself,
Hey, I got to interrupt this because we have to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.
Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.
Suppression is not always the most effective way to get things off your mind. Think about it this way. Suppose you're studying for the test, and you tell yourself, "Don't worry about your grade." When you tell yourself those words, "Don't worry about the grade," what happens? I worry about the grade, worry about the grade. You actually prompt yourself to remind yourself that that's a concern. So my
subconscious here is saying, worry about the grade, worry about the grade.
You've actually reinforced the worry by talking about it. It's actually much more effective to, first of all, say, Okay, I'm going to take, say, 30 seconds. And believe me, you can actually do a fair amount of thinking on paper in 30 seconds to write down what you're worried about. And if you sat down and wrote on a piece of paper, "I'm worried about the grade because I haven't studied enough," okay, what will happen when you take the time to do that? It's much slower to write that on paper than it is to have it zip through your head. And what happens is, if you were to write that down and it takes you 15 seconds, the absurdity of it all would occur to you. Here I am getting all concerned because I haven't studied enough, and I'm letting my concern get in the way of the grade. Well, that just in and of itself is going to calm you down. You've expressed the worry. You've acknowledged that it's real, and you've also seen that it is somewhat absurd. You've seen the logic of it in a certain way. Okay, you know what I mean.
So if I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying that if I push it away, it's going to keep pressing. It's like a dam ready to break loose in my mind, and it just keeps pressing against me, saying, knock, knock. I'm here. I want you to worry. I want you to worry. I want you to worry. And any time I spend worrying is time wasted. I can't study right. And instead, if I just take 30 seconds to write down, "I'm worried about the grade because I haven't studied enough," then I can say, okay, that's what's going on. Big deal. Now I want to turn my attention to studying.
Right. And a lot of times, I mean, not every time, I don't want to give a false sense of optimism here, but a lot of times, just writing down what you're feeling and why you're feeling it, in effect, gives yourself the acknowledgment, Yes, I'm in this situation. And it's like your subconscious just wanted to get you to pay attention. And when you pay attention and really focus on Yes, that's what's going on here, it calms down and stops bugging you.
Okay, and now let's say that I'm a very good student, and I really shouldn't be stressing over this. So what else do I have to do with my feelings? They have all this, right, right?
So the other thing that sometimes is important here is to reality-check them. The fact that some ideas are occurring to you doesn't mean that they're true; it just means that that's the two and two that’s getting put together from your subconscious databanks. And so one of the things that may happen is that this exact same thought that I just mentioned here, "I'm worried because I haven't studied enough," when you write that down, the other thing that happens is that you see it there in black and white. And if that's true, that's one thing. If that's not true, if, in fact, you've already put in four hours of studying on this or you've been studying regularly, then reading what you wrote down will actually give you a moment's pause. And you'll get some sense, you know, maybe this is not really true, yeah. And this is very important. This reality-checking of feelings that you have is very important for getting them to be in line with the facts. Now, I think you teach a version of reality-checking emotions in your therapy work, right?
And that's a thought record. That's something we can talk about another time. So I'm talking with Jean Moroney Binswanger, who is a fabulous thinking expert. Jean, can you give your website and tell a little bit about what you do in the last seconds?
I'd love to. My website is thinkingdirections.com—that’s the word thinking followed by the word directions with no space in between them. What I do is I have various classes and written materials on thinking tactics. I have a workshop called Thinking Tactics, and I have a pamphlet on thinking on paper, which is part of what I recommend here for testing out the feelings that are getting in the way of thinking.
Tell me if people want to get in touch with you. I know you've helped people. You can tutor them privately. I know you give talks and workshops, and you have a lot of information on your website. You have a pamphlet. You have teleconferences. How can they get in touch with you?
The easiest way to get in touch with me is to subscribe to my free email newsletter, which you can get from subscribe@thinkingdirections.com.
Just send an email there. And I want to thank you so much for being with us today.
Thank you, Ellen.
For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.
Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:
When your loved one is your highest, most selfish, most important social value, you will want to treat him or her accordingly, and your loved one will want to treat you similarly. This means regularly asking yourself, "What can I do to make this relationship thrive?" The actions you take will sustain and enhance your emotions, your love, and your passion. Your love will grow and flourish. In financial matters, partners should encourage one another to balance the short-term and the long-term. Only a small percentage of people engage in long-term financial planning, yet everyone needs to do this, and you should start at least 30 years before retirement. Today, more than ever, couples need to take charge of their own retirement planning.
You can download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.