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Loneliness

I'm lonely since I moved to a new area, even though I don't miss my friends.

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here's a question I received about loneliness. Have you ever felt lonely? You just feel like you don't know who to call. You just want to share something good that happened to you, or you may want to share some hard times you're going through. You may just want a shoulder to lean on, and you just don't know who to call. Well, what happens if you move from one country to another and you're feeling very lonely? How do you deal with that? Here's a question from a woman who was born and raised in the Philippines and is living in Norway.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I've been living here in Norway for almost a year now. I was born and raised in the Philippines. I do not miss my country, nor my friends, but I feel really lonely, and I noticed that since I've lived here, I've been very emotional. I don't know what's wrong with me. Sampaguita, the main thing that you want to figure out is what's going through your mind. You have a few clues. One is that you're lonely. Are you longing for friendship? Are you feeling abandoned? Are you feeling that there's nobody to care for you? Know what is going on? Why the loneliness, and why now? And why do you not miss your friends from your country? Did you have some good friendships, or was it out of sight, out of mind? Did you just lose contact, or what's going on there? Because certainly, if you have access to the internet or Skype, or all this wonderful technology, you could certainly connect with someone from home, and that might put a smile on your face.

If you're asking the question, "What's wrong with me?" the first thing I would suggest is to change that question because that question assumes that there is some deep, dark, hidden secret, something that's profoundly wrong with you that you'll never be able to change. So instead, you could ask yourself the question, "What emotions am I feeling?" Am I feeling sad? Well, that deals with the loss. Am I feeling anxious? Maybe I don't know how to make friends. Maybe I've been burnt before. I've been hurt by people, and I'm afraid to reach out again. Maybe I don't know how long I'll be staying in Norway, and so I'm afraid to form a close relationship. And what type of friendship would I want? You know, you look at your emotions, you look at what you're saying to yourself. Sometimes it just identifies what you're looking for.

Oh, my God, I would love a best friend like I had back in the Philippines. Sometimes it identifies that you want a romantic partner. I am so lonely. I miss someone to hug and someone to hug me and kiss me and ask me how the day went at the end of the day, and you can identify what is it precisely that you're missing. So instead of swimming in the emotional muck, you actually identify what you're feeling. And then you can set a goal to repair that, to go after the romantic partner or friendship.

And you can ask yourself the question, "What would need to change to make me feel better here in Norway?" What would need to change? And if it is that you want more friends or a romantic partner, then how do you go about finding them? Where do you search? Well, you need to have a plan. Obviously, if you're at home not doing much, you don't have a plan. That's not going to work. So have a plan. You can join a book club, you can go to an evening course. You can take up a new hobby, maybe join a chorus, or take some painting lessons or join an exercise group. My husband had animals. I don't know if you want that, but he had a puppy dog, a very big puppy dog. And man, when he walked his puppy dog, did he meet a lot of women?

So sometimes, if you're a pet person, having a pet and bringing it out, you're able to meet some people. If you feel like you're lacking in skills, listening skills or communication skills, you could get the "Loneliness Workbook." It's a guide to developing and maintaining lasting connections by Mary Ellen Copeland, and she's got a lot of ideas in that book. I don't agree with everything, but there are wonderful, wonderful ideas that could help you reconnect and find a wonderful partner.

So that's what I recommend. And also, if you're feeling lonely and just sitting around thinking about it, that's a problem too. When you're feeling lonely and moping, feeling sorry for yourself and not taking action, that's painful. In the interim, before you find someone, keep busy. Find a hobby, find some other interests that you have, whether it's reading books, watching movies, but do something to energize your life, to make your life more interesting.

And I hope, using some of these skills, that you can write me back at some point and tell me, "Hey, I've got some buddies. I'm no longer lonely in Norway." For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance" by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

It is essential that partners take the time to show their love for one another as often as is feasible, doing this in both actions and in words. But what if a partner refuses to listen or respond? For example, using the silent treatment, this may be an attempt to control you by deliberately causing you to feel intimidated, helpless, upset, and even desperate. It is a cruel way for a partner to act and must not be tolerated for long. Either both communicate or there's no relationship. The bottom line in communication is that romantic partners need to let each other know in word and deed that they fully value, understand, and accept each other, and that they are all each other needs and wants as lovers.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.