The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. So here is a question from Megan, and see what your response is to this, dear Dr. Kenner. I separated from my husband last year, and I have the stress of divorce. My young children miss their dad during the week, and I feel overwhelmed. I don't love my husband, and I can't imagine living with him again. In the midst of this, I'm looking for a new partner. I fell in love with Ben, a man who is 23 years older than me. We get on very well, and we have feelings for each other, but we don't know if we can cope with the age gap. What do you think? If we really love each other, is it realistic that this relationship can last, or is it better to keep looking?

Megan, okay, so one tip-off is the one of the things you're asking me: Is it better to keep looking? So you're dealing with your own ambivalence, and you want to explore that. So I'm going to put that on hold for a second. We will talk about the age gap in a moment. But regardless of Ben's age, you are not in a position to make a clear-headed decision about a committed relationship. And you know that when stress—divorce is one of the biggest stressors ever. And if you are going through a divorce, not just a divorce with you and your ex separating, but a divorce with young kids, that is very, very stressful, and you need attention to be given. You need your mind to be able to focus on how to navigate that well, because if people don't navigate that well, they may have very unhappy kids, and you could set up lifelong patterns that make your life bumpy and your kids' life bumpy, and your relationship with them not so good.

So when you're going through a divorce, they considered, when I say "they," professionals in this area, of which I am one, consider this a business. Divorce is like setting up a temporary business. That's how much work it entails. So don't think that it can be quick and easy. Managing your kids through a divorce is very, very difficult. So you don't want to make any permanent decisions about this man who's 23 years older than you until you have more bandwidth, more mental space to think about new relationships and all the challenges of a 23-year age difference.

So I'm going to do a mini aside here. I recommend a book. I highly recommend this: Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce. It's an older book by Florence Bienenfeld, and it is wonderful. It really helps you navigate that aspect of a divorce and make your life a tad easier.

Okay, so now Megan, let's turn to the age gap. Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So now, Megan, let's turn to the age gap. Let's just take a look at the age. You know, you can visualize this. Let yourself imagine it. You're 37 years old, and Ben is 23 years older. That makes him 60. Now fast forward 10 years: you're 47, and he's 70. What will that be like? Will he have any age-related health issues? How will he look? You know, what will his skin look like? Are you okay with that? You know, if he's 70, let's fast forward 10 more years, and we're only talking 30 years here. You're 57, and he's 80. Now there are health differences in normal aging. Are you okay with potentially becoming his caretaker? You have young kids. They won't be that young then, you know; they'll be young adults then. But still, are you okay with this?

And then the next question to ask yourself: you're still in the process of divorcing, and so you want to ask yourself, is this just a rebound relationship? And you're bringing up the idea that maybe I should continue searching for a partner. So you want to really take a look at that. Maybe I should continue searching, because that is your ambivalence, and you want to privately explore what in you thinks you should look for a new partner. What are your own personal reasons? And the other side of that is, what is your attraction to Ben? Or if I put it in first person, what is my attraction to Ben? And be very honest with yourself. Nobody else is listening. You can do that. So is it more like, is he a parental figure? Or maybe he's more settled and he's a great contrast to your soon-to-be ex-husband. Maybe he's more financially stable; maybe he has more time for you.

Now, you need to look at another aspect. What about the generational differences? Now, what are they? Well, you may like different music, or there are different fads. Maybe you went through the punk era, and he went through the—I don't know, the bobby socks; women were wearing bobby socks in the 1950s or something. So you will have different historical events that you'll remember. He may remember, like I do, when President Kennedy was shot, or when the first man stood on the moon. You're not going to remember that if you're a lot younger. Whose friends do you hang around with? His older age group, or your friends? So there are lots of things to think about.

Another area is criticism from outside people. You know, you get that raised eyebrow, or the snarky remarks behind your back, or those looks. You know, what will your parents say? Your friends? Your siblings? Your kids' teachers? What might his kids, who might be your age, say? Ken, are you prepared to deal with their criticism now? Mind you, you're going through a divorce. You got young kids; this is a lot. And do you want more kids? And do your lifestyles mesh together? There are tons of questions to ask, and if you have just known him just a short while, you get to know a person in layers over many years. You need to know their history now. You don't have to wait many years, obviously, before you marry someone, but you want to get the essence of a person before you settle in.

So the alternative is you can continue looking, but first focus on yours and your kids' stability, mental stability, and happiness, because that is a sure thing that will impact your happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Now here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Here are some tips for handling unreasonable resistance. Be persistent. Go into detective mode to identify the real issue. Draw your partner out so that you both can explore his or her reasoning. Help me better understand why you disagree so strongly. I'm wondering if something more important is causing your anger. Use such comments or gentle questions. Invite your partner to talk and encourage your partner to be more specific and introspective. If your partner continues to be evasive, persist in addressing the topic and your partner's evasive tactics. You might say, I noticed that you just changed the subject again. What's really bothering you? Continue until you conclude that it's truly hopeless. If this happens repeatedly, reconsider the relationship. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy it at Amazon.com.