The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com.

So right before the break, we were talking about, actually, a woman called in on the after hours line talking about her 16-year-old son, who?s boiling with anger, and I asked you to think about what seems unfair in his life. His dad was too forceful, too strict.

So imagine us looking at a video of his dad losing his temper, calling him names, and we suspect those names are not ?you great kid having a very bad temper.? Imagine looking at a video. For many of you, you may be thinking, Oh my God, I don?t have to look at a video, Alan, I was there myself. Remember what that felt like? Did you have any recourse to justice? Did Dad ever apologize? Could you let go of that anger, or did you hold on to that anger?

And what would letting go of that anger mean? Would it mean that Dad needs to apologize? Would it be a cheap apology, ?I?m sorry for what I did to you, now get over it,? or would it be a sincere, genuine, remorseful, meaningful apology? ?I can?t believe what I called you over those years. I can?t believe that you put up with me. I understand your anger. I can go into therapy with you. We can work through some of our ugliest moments together. And these were not mistakes I made. I should never have done this. I knew better at the time, son, and I really want to work with you, if you?ll give me that opportunity. It?s a gift for me and hopefully a wonderful gift for you, to be able to say what?s on your mind. I do want to go to a therapist again, though, because I don?t trust myself fully. I could lose it again.?

Now, assuming the biological dad would do this, this would be wonderful. This would be a way for him to deal with his anger. But that?s not normally what happens. Also you remarried when he was eight years old. What if we had a video back at that period, or even flashback even further, Dad, with the video of Dad being on the internet all the time with some faceless woman?

Then Dad, we see the video of Dad packing his bags, Mom bawling her eyes out or screaming, a lot of cross-screaming going on. And then Mom meets a guy. He comes into the house, you?re eight years old, and it?s just, it?s just your whole world. There?s no order to it. It?s just so discombobulated for so long.

Then you?re going through puberty and you wonder, Am I gay or not? Maybe you?re attracted to some guys, or you?ve had some kiddie sex experiences with other guys, or maybe you look effeminate and you don?t know how to cope, you don?t know how to deal, and you?ve got all of these unsolved problems in your head, just swimming around in your head, or drowning around in your head.

And what do you do? There may even be other issues. Well, if that?s the case, then you want a method of thinking. You want a clear method of thinking. But it?s the mom that?s calling in here. So as I said, you could say to your son, these are some solutions. Now, you could say to him,

Hey, I have to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance?that is interesting.

As I said, you could say to your son, these are some solutions. Now you could say to him, Travis, you?ve gone through a lot. I?ve put you through a lot. Dad?s put you through a lot. Take ownership for what you did. When I think back to your childhood, there were not many happy moments at home. Dad and I were either fighting or I was bawling my eyes out. Then I remarried, and that was yet another adjustment. Help me understand what that was like for you.

Now, Travis may be afraid to tell you. He may be afraid that he?ll hurt you and injure you like Dad. So that?s why I always recommend therapy, because you have a moderator there, you have somebody. It?s like a safety zone, a cocoon that you can all go to and let go of things. If he?s willing to go to therapy, you can also say, I know, Travis, that you get angry easily, and your anger may seem out of your control. I don?t know how to help you with that. I wish, as a mom, I could help you, but I don?t know all the skills. I know there are ways to manage anger better, ways that leave you feeling less guilty or less trapped within that angry world. I wonder if you had someone to bare your soul to in private that would help. You could work things out. You could sort things out.

I know you trust?now, if he trusted a counselor at school or a grandmother, or if you said, you know, a coach or someone that would be willing to talk with him, would you consider talking with him? Or would you consider going to see a counselor and being able to talk with that person?

You can also address the issues that affect you. I know, Travis, that you lose it with me at times, and I?d like to understand you better. I ask myself, what?s setting that off? If it?s something I did, honey, please let me know. If you think it?s deeper than that, let?s try to find a better way to let your anger out so that I don?t feel bruised. I don?t feel like I?m in the cross-fire of your anger with someone else.

Now I want to tell you, from being a therapist, from being in therapy for a long time, I?ve heard things such as the following, from kids, from adults, both male and female, things such as, ?You know something, I perfected my anger, and I used it as a tool, as a weapon. I was able to keep people away from me. Afterwards, I felt real bad about it, but I tried not to think about it too much. But inside, underneath all that anger, I felt guilty, I felt sad, I felt vulnerable and hurt and anxious. I didn?t want anybody to get too close to me, so my anger allowed me to put up a wall around me that I thought protected me, but instead it insulated me from getting help. I was only fooling myself. I wish I had gotten help earlier.?

So I hope that helps you. I think it?s a very difficult situation that you?re in. There?s a book Between Parent and Teenager that you can get by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and also actually How to Talk So Teens Will Listen. There?s also one Between Parent and Teenager by Haim Ginott that may help you out.

So for more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Active listening and assertive speaking are skills that are indispensable for good communication, for self-respect and for a loving relationship. You?ll want these skills in all aspects of your life with your partner, including your sexual relationship. Communicating well lets you and your partner know what?s important to the other while avoiding misunderstandings and allowing your lives together to run smoothly. Communicating well helps you learn each other?s vulnerable areas so that you don?t unintentionally hurt one another. It also helps you make plans for your future together: vacations, career plans, buying and maintaining a house, having children or not.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance @amazon.com.