The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

The following is an after-hours call we received from a woman who wants to know why her 16-year-old son is boiling with anger, and she wants to know whether it?s a disorder. Now, before you hear this call, you want to know that anger is the emotion that says something is not fair. Pounding your fist: ?Not fair! It?s not fair, Mom!? And intense anger means that something very important is not fair. So listen to his history with his dad, his own concerns about being gay, his treatment by the kids, and what?s going on on the home front, and figure out what he might experience as totally unfair in his life.

I have a 16-year-old son. I always like to have him ask a question. I?m not sure if he?s got the oppositional defiant disorder. It did not start until the last couple of years. He?s angry toward my ex-husband because there were some mistakes made. He did come in too forceful and too strict, and he, you know, they called him some name just thinking that was the way to temper him.

Along with my ex-husband, he left us for someone on the internet. He is just refusing to let go of the anger, even though we have told him we know we?ve made mistakes and so forth. He just keeps going back to the same argument. He talks disrespectfully to me, which is unusual because we are very close. It?s just like he just will not let go of the anger.

I don?t think he has that disorder. I just don?t know if this is normal for a 16-year-old. He was battling thinking he might have been gay. He has a decade of his life, and since he?s not now, the kids at school are still giving him a hard time. So I don?t know if it?s just normal teenage stuff from school and, you know, anger toward my husband and my new husband that we?ve been together for eight years now. I just need to know what I need to do.

You sound like a lovely mother who?s really struggling to figure out: Is my son normal or not? Should I be concerned about this, or is this just a reaction to his dad? Will he get over it? Is it just a phase he?s going through, or does he have some big, heavy label like ODD ? Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

Now, just a few moments on that. That?s a diagnosis that psychiatrists, psychologists, or counselors will give when a kid has very negative, hostile, defiant behavior that lasts for more than six months, and it has to have at least four of the following.

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds ? that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, ?I live in the shadow of my husband?s life,? or ?I feel invisible to my girlfriend.? These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance, by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That?s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

When a kid has very negative, hostile, defiant behavior that lasts for more than six months, and it has to have at least four of the following:

He loses his temper. Now, what kid at the age of 16 doesn?t lose his temper?

Argues with adults. What kid at the age of 16 doesn?t do that?

Actively defies or refuses to comply with adult requests or rules. Now I would ask: Are these rules reasonable or not?

Deliberately annoys people.

Blames others for his or her mistakes.

Gets touchy or is easily annoyed by others.

Is angry and resentful.

Is spiteful and vindictive.

These have to be above and beyond what you would expect for kids normally at this stage ? 16, working to individuate themselves, wanting to be independent from home, from the mom and dad and the family.

Now, even if he got this label from some mental health worker, that does not help you find a solution. That does not help you discover the cause and work with him toward a solution. So that?s what I want to focus on.

He also has individual responsibility. He bears some responsibility for his actions, because he can think about this more and come up with different solutions. But of course, it?s much easier if you?re in with a very good therapist who can give you methods and skills so that you don?t have to go reinventing the wheel. You learn assertiveness skills. You learn how to get all that bottled anger out and out of you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com ? and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

George and Diane disagree on where to spend the holidays. George might give her the silent treatment or act annoyingly in some unrelated way. Diane would know that something is wrong, but she wouldn?t know what it is. This is a passive or passive-aggressive approach to communication. Both a passive and an aggressive communication style undermine any chance of having a good relationship.

But if George has assertiveness skills, he might say, ?Honey, considering all the frustration we go through with our parents on these holiday get-togethers, I wonder why we need to go through the same fiascos again this year. Let?s put our heads together and come up with some alternatives. What do you think about visiting with our parents before the holiday and then going on that vacation in the Bahamas we?ve always dreamed about??

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.